*bounces*
I am SOOO excitedddd! I'm like a little kid at christmas and I'm so wired with my excitement its 3 am and I can't sleep at all and I'm okay with that.
In 12 hours my plane takes off and I get to go play with jewelry, kid free, for two SOLID days!!!
I will miss my baby and my hubby but I'm so excited and happy for this R&R I just can't be sad right now.
*Does a happy dance*
Okay, that is all. I don't know what my internet access will be like in Galena but I'll try to keep you posted!
I am Ami and this is my little corner of the interweb to pollute as I see fit. Sometimes I'll be boring, sometimes I might even be funny. I can guarantee I'll be random, verbose, occasionally deep, and I'll definitely over share. This is probably the closest a person can get to seeing the actual contents of the inside of my head. Stay if you enjoy my ranting, go if you don't. Either one is okay because here, I write for me.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Who am I? 2
I want to spend some time examining some of the different anecdotes that illustrate principles that I try to live my life by.
I don't want to be the old man in the flood.
The Story:
There a big flood and the old man is sitting in his rocking chair on the front porch and the flood water is lapping the bottom of the porch and the rescue workers come by in a boat and say "Come with us you have to evacuate." And the old man says, "I'm not leaving. I have faith. The Lord will save me."
A while later, the water is now up to the roof of the porch where the old man is now sitting and another boat comes and asks him to leave. And once again he refuses, "I have faith. The Lord will save me."
Finally the old man is perched on top of his chimney and a helicopter comes and says "Come on you HAVE TO GO." And the old man refuses "No! I have faith! The Lord will save me!"
And then the old man drowns and he gets to heaven and asks, "God! I had faith! Why didn't you save me?!" To which the Lord replies:
"I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What more did you want?!"
Which is a humorous way of saying just how important it is to realize help and salvation when the Lord sends it. He may not send it in the way that you want or they way that you think the help should come or be done. But He will send it and you need to be humble enough that you're willing to see things as they are and do what He would have you do.
That the goal anyways. I'm still learning. I still have times when I want the Lord to save me the way I want to be saved. But I hope I can catch on before I drown.
----
Now I know the following will surprise people who have only met me recently but I used to be a door mat. I had like no spine. If you hit me I'd probably apologize for running into your fist. And then I had one of my favorite people in the whole wide world tell me something:
There are people in this world who go around handing out steaming buckets of shit to other people. And they want you to gratefully take that steaming bucket of shit from them, thank them and dump it all over yourself.
Any time some one tries to make you feel inferior that is a bucket of shit and you don't have to take it.
And it has taken some doing for me to learn to recognize the buckets quickly. Some are cleverly disguised as high grade manure and some even come with a bow or from people who claim to love you or that you love. But they're still shit buckets. And once you recognize them as such you do not have to take it.
Its empowering. And its liberating. And life just feels a whole helluva lot better when you get good and fast at recognizing those buckets for what they are and rejecting them with as much vigor as if someone did actually try to walk up and dump manure on you.
And the reason it feels so right and so good and you only get better at it is because you have a divine right to protect your own life. And that includes the quality of your life. God wants you to have joy. No where in scripture does He say "lay down and take it". NO!
Nephi LEFT!! For those unfamiliar with the Book of Mormon the story starts with a family who flees Jerusalem at the time of the prophet Jeremiah, just before the city was destroyed and the inhabitants carried away captive to Babylon. The family of Lehi was lead by the Lord, to the coast where they built boats and sailed across the ocean to the Americas where they settled. Of Lehi's children the two oldest (Laman and Lemuel) were wicked and the younger sons were righteous and lead by the 4th brother Nephi.
After the death of Lehi the whole thing comes to a head and Nephi is warned in a vision that if he stays there his brothers will kill him and his family. And so Nephi takes his family and departs into the wilderness. He didn't stay there to die. He took his family and left. And it was the right thing to do. And more than that he made swords and shields and weapons and taught his people how to use them so that they could defend themselves.
If it becomes clear in a situation that a person is not going to stop trying to shovel shit all over me and they won't stop, my choice is to leave. Thats how I turn my cheek. And if they follow I have a right to defend my life.
Since I discovered this principle my life has been immeasurably more joyful. I grow in happiness, confidence and spine with every passing day. I am my own little fire ball now. And I LOVE IT.
And with most people, they usually back down once you point it out. "Wow that was rude!" has an amazing effect. You identified that there was a shit bucket present and refused to accept it. Do it with a smile and they're usually left sputtering an apology.
Try it. Its fun. What shit buckets are people handing out? Are you trying to give any to other people?
I don't want to be the old man in the flood.
The Story:
There a big flood and the old man is sitting in his rocking chair on the front porch and the flood water is lapping the bottom of the porch and the rescue workers come by in a boat and say "Come with us you have to evacuate." And the old man says, "I'm not leaving. I have faith. The Lord will save me."
A while later, the water is now up to the roof of the porch where the old man is now sitting and another boat comes and asks him to leave. And once again he refuses, "I have faith. The Lord will save me."
Finally the old man is perched on top of his chimney and a helicopter comes and says "Come on you HAVE TO GO." And the old man refuses "No! I have faith! The Lord will save me!"
And then the old man drowns and he gets to heaven and asks, "God! I had faith! Why didn't you save me?!" To which the Lord replies:
"I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What more did you want?!"
Which is a humorous way of saying just how important it is to realize help and salvation when the Lord sends it. He may not send it in the way that you want or they way that you think the help should come or be done. But He will send it and you need to be humble enough that you're willing to see things as they are and do what He would have you do.
That the goal anyways. I'm still learning. I still have times when I want the Lord to save me the way I want to be saved. But I hope I can catch on before I drown.
----
Now I know the following will surprise people who have only met me recently but I used to be a door mat. I had like no spine. If you hit me I'd probably apologize for running into your fist. And then I had one of my favorite people in the whole wide world tell me something:
There are people in this world who go around handing out steaming buckets of shit to other people. And they want you to gratefully take that steaming bucket of shit from them, thank them and dump it all over yourself.
Any time some one tries to make you feel inferior that is a bucket of shit and you don't have to take it.
And it has taken some doing for me to learn to recognize the buckets quickly. Some are cleverly disguised as high grade manure and some even come with a bow or from people who claim to love you or that you love. But they're still shit buckets. And once you recognize them as such you do not have to take it.
Its empowering. And its liberating. And life just feels a whole helluva lot better when you get good and fast at recognizing those buckets for what they are and rejecting them with as much vigor as if someone did actually try to walk up and dump manure on you.
And the reason it feels so right and so good and you only get better at it is because you have a divine right to protect your own life. And that includes the quality of your life. God wants you to have joy. No where in scripture does He say "lay down and take it". NO!
Nephi LEFT!! For those unfamiliar with the Book of Mormon the story starts with a family who flees Jerusalem at the time of the prophet Jeremiah, just before the city was destroyed and the inhabitants carried away captive to Babylon. The family of Lehi was lead by the Lord, to the coast where they built boats and sailed across the ocean to the Americas where they settled. Of Lehi's children the two oldest (Laman and Lemuel) were wicked and the younger sons were righteous and lead by the 4th brother Nephi.
After the death of Lehi the whole thing comes to a head and Nephi is warned in a vision that if he stays there his brothers will kill him and his family. And so Nephi takes his family and departs into the wilderness. He didn't stay there to die. He took his family and left. And it was the right thing to do. And more than that he made swords and shields and weapons and taught his people how to use them so that they could defend themselves.
If it becomes clear in a situation that a person is not going to stop trying to shovel shit all over me and they won't stop, my choice is to leave. Thats how I turn my cheek. And if they follow I have a right to defend my life.
Since I discovered this principle my life has been immeasurably more joyful. I grow in happiness, confidence and spine with every passing day. I am my own little fire ball now. And I LOVE IT.
And with most people, they usually back down once you point it out. "Wow that was rude!" has an amazing effect. You identified that there was a shit bucket present and refused to accept it. Do it with a smile and they're usually left sputtering an apology.
Try it. Its fun. What shit buckets are people handing out? Are you trying to give any to other people?
Any extra prayers would be nice
So I couldn't sleep last night because I was so angry.
And I couldn't figure out exactly what it was that was making me so intensely angry. And so I did a lot of thinking and praying and writing and was able to determine exactly what it was that was making me so nutty. And its something that has been going on and on in a cycle for a long while now and I've discovered that my patience for that cycle is simply gone.
And so I had a talk with the person this concerns this evening and explained my concerns and the fact that after this length of time I can no longer be patient with the present pattern. And that while this person does not have to change, I have made it clear what it is I require from the beginning and this had been previously agreed upon by both parties whole heartedly.
And unless things can conform to the agreement then the relationship cannot continue as I cannot handle the stress of it. It makes me too unhappy.
So they don't have to change but if they chose not to then my decision is to leave. I hope that things work out. Cuz things will massively suck if they don't.
I don't necessarily like this path but I do feel peaceful about it.
Some prayers would be nice.
And I couldn't figure out exactly what it was that was making me so intensely angry. And so I did a lot of thinking and praying and writing and was able to determine exactly what it was that was making me so nutty. And its something that has been going on and on in a cycle for a long while now and I've discovered that my patience for that cycle is simply gone.
And so I had a talk with the person this concerns this evening and explained my concerns and the fact that after this length of time I can no longer be patient with the present pattern. And that while this person does not have to change, I have made it clear what it is I require from the beginning and this had been previously agreed upon by both parties whole heartedly.
And unless things can conform to the agreement then the relationship cannot continue as I cannot handle the stress of it. It makes me too unhappy.
So they don't have to change but if they chose not to then my decision is to leave. I hope that things work out. Cuz things will massively suck if they don't.
I don't necessarily like this path but I do feel peaceful about it.
Some prayers would be nice.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Who Am I?
This post is liable to be the start of a whole new series. Because I'm of course egotistical enough to think that "Who am I?" is a very complicated question. I'm heading this direction mostly because I have had occasion recently to look back at who I have been and be shocked and amazed and how much I've changed. I'm a very, very, very different person than I was 10 years ago. And I think in most ways the change has been good. But in some ways I need to stop and reevaluate who it is that I think that I am because now, apparently, some of my assumptions about myself are false.
So a while back Blogger added a new feature to my little dashboard called "Stats"that I have found endlessly fascinating. I can see how many hits my blog has had and when. I can see what posts are the most popular. I can see how people find my blog, what country they're from and what browser they're using. And I've been absolutely floored at the number of page hits I get.
I mean I'm definitely not getting anything huge but its still A LOT more than I thought I was getting (or would EVER get for that matter). And I've had some people follow me publicly that I don't even know. Ditto for my Twitter feed (which is @fleipaper btw). And this plus the strange levels of affection I receive from my crew on Evony has lead me to the VERY strange conclusion that people seem to actually like listening to me talk.
Because part of why I like to blog and twitter is it gives me the chance to run my mouth with out inflicting my talking on anybody. If somebody actually reads what I have to say then its totally self inflicted and I'm not forcing my blathering on some person. Because prior to now with real people I'd feel obligated to stop talking when they show signs of rigor mortis or the like but with this I can talk as much as my little heart desires and if they don't like it they don't have to read it. I think its just FANTASTIC.
And they are! Reading it! At least some of the time. Which means they actually want to hear me talk.
How weird is that??!
I say this is strange because for most of my grade school years I was that kid. The obnoxious one that ALWAYS had her hand in the air (I have impulse control issues) and I know for a fact that for long periods I think most of my classmates were thinking "For the love of all that is HOLY SHUT UP" and I"m moderately confidant that at least a few of my teachers thought the same thing.
I got this message through my thick head some where in middle school and thus began the years of challenge to find a balance. I discovered I had to be doing at least two things at once b/c either I would totally wander off and day dream and miss the whole lesson. Or I'd want to comment on everything. So I needed something to keep my hands busy so the brain could focus on the lesson with out feeling the need to talk and discuss it. In school I spent A LOT of quality time doodling. I learned how to finger spell in sign language so I could spell along with the lecture. I took up calligraphy. In college and church I'd even crochet and cross stitch my way through things.
College was a lot better mostly because the pace was faster. I wouldn't have time to get bored. That was the big problem in grade school. I was BORED. The teacher asked a question and refused to move on until somebody gave the answer. And for some completely retarded reason my fellow class mates decided knowing the answer was not cool and would therefore NOT speak.
So the teacher would stand there and stare until somebody would raise their hands. And ya know what? For me it was a agonizing battle - do I do the unpopular thing and annoy my fellow students and the teacher (who wanted to hear from someone OTHER than me) and give the answer so that we can move on so that I'm not bored or do I just sit there and try to sing songs in my head until somebody else gives in and I can finally learn something else?
I usually tried to limit myself to some arbitrary number - like I'm allowed to answer no more than 2 questions in class today and then space them out so as to help alleviate the pain. Honors classes helped with this A LOT but still college was SO much better because they'd usually move so fast I'm taking notes for all I'm worth and I don't have time to get bored. And they usually don't ask stupid questions either.
I did have the problem in class if I read the book in advance, which I tried to do to keep up but then it would create this problem of, I'd keep up a running commentary under my breath on what I'd like to say if I could raise my hand.
Yes I am a freak of nature and I have Issues. We know.
Usually it worked just fine unless the prof had dang good hearing because I have to sit front and center because I am half deaf. And then some professors would find it more than slightly annoying and I'd really have to watch myself. Or just not read the book in advance so I wasn't anticipating the direction of the conversation and making the connections under my breath.
Which of course created the problem of getting behind. Because I swear I'm either ON the ball or horribly behind. There is no in between. My house is that way too. Either the room is perfect or the room is a disaster area. I don't quite know how that happens but it does.
But I digress because the point here is that for most of my life people were asking where the "OFF" button was to my motor mouth and then I started to have a very peculiar experience in college. When I'd make a comment in a group of people.... they would smile. And laugh. And later even, sometimes, thank me for my thoughts. This was a strange experience.
And now there are people who tell me that they like my blog. And they're rather emphatic about it. I have a guy friend online who describes listening to me rant as "relaxing" and enjoys it. And I wonder what it is exactly that people like so much. Usually when asked I get the response "I like the way you talk."
Which is just perplexing because growing up I got told repeatedly that I "talk funny". And I have no idea what it was I said or how I said it that was so "funny" but I got that all through out my youth. That or they'd declare my an arrogant beotch. That happened more in middle school and early high school.
Which lead to me making jokes about my being fat or dumb because if I made fun of me first then they would laugh and I wouldn't get called a fat arrogant bitch. Which happened. More than once.
The problem was that after several years of being told that, and calling myself that. I started to believe it. I had roughly the self esteem of a gnat and some remarkable door mat like personality characteristics and a nice dose of codependency too.
I really truly believed that I was dumb, or maybe even average intelligence and I just worked hard. I wasn't any smarter than anybody else. I've now determined that is a complete crock of manure. I would say I'm statistically significantly more intelligent than the average population. At least one standard deviation above the norm. I'm not sure if I'd credit myself with more than that but I'm there for sure.
And don't you dare accuse me of being arrogant. I'm still not saying I'm better than anybody. I am saying that I can learn faster than some people. And I don't think that makes me the bees knees or anything its just being aware of my abilities so that I know how best to use them. And also in being aware of how I differ from other people I have better expectations of what other people can and cannot realistically do.
Also, while I might weigh more than I want to, I do think I look good. I like that I have curves. No matter how much weight I lose I will still be SERIOUSLY curvy. And I like it.
Momma got some junk in the trunk. And she likes it.
I now actually like the shape of my own hind quarters. Do you have any idea how MASSIVE a mental shift that is for me? I used to LITERALLY burst into tears after looking in the mirror. I also think I'm pretty. I never used to think that. I think I'm getting more attractive as I get older. That or I've always been attractive and I'm just now seeing it.
No I don't think I'm all that and a bag of chips. But I do think I've got some good things going for me. Which is a huge, massive, giant change from my teen and young adult years where I was sure I was so ugly I should probably go around with a bag over my head and no man could possibly ever want me or find me attractive because I was so grotesquely fat and I was going to die alone.
No there was no drama there either.
I can go out in public with no make up on and see a mirror and not wince. I do still really want my make up if I'm meeting some one new (the whole "first impressions are most important" thing) or actually if I'm feeling sad or insecure and I need to hide that for some reason. Its like my war paint. With it I can face anything. With out it, we're good for daily living. lol. Used to be I religiously applied it every morning. Not anymore.
And since I think this is approaching novel length now I'll stop for now.
So a while back Blogger added a new feature to my little dashboard called "Stats"that I have found endlessly fascinating. I can see how many hits my blog has had and when. I can see what posts are the most popular. I can see how people find my blog, what country they're from and what browser they're using. And I've been absolutely floored at the number of page hits I get.
I mean I'm definitely not getting anything huge but its still A LOT more than I thought I was getting (or would EVER get for that matter). And I've had some people follow me publicly that I don't even know. Ditto for my Twitter feed (which is @fleipaper btw). And this plus the strange levels of affection I receive from my crew on Evony has lead me to the VERY strange conclusion that people seem to actually like listening to me talk.
Because part of why I like to blog and twitter is it gives me the chance to run my mouth with out inflicting my talking on anybody. If somebody actually reads what I have to say then its totally self inflicted and I'm not forcing my blathering on some person. Because prior to now with real people I'd feel obligated to stop talking when they show signs of rigor mortis or the like but with this I can talk as much as my little heart desires and if they don't like it they don't have to read it. I think its just FANTASTIC.
And they are! Reading it! At least some of the time. Which means they actually want to hear me talk.
How weird is that??!
I say this is strange because for most of my grade school years I was that kid. The obnoxious one that ALWAYS had her hand in the air (I have impulse control issues) and I know for a fact that for long periods I think most of my classmates were thinking "For the love of all that is HOLY SHUT UP" and I"m moderately confidant that at least a few of my teachers thought the same thing.
I got this message through my thick head some where in middle school and thus began the years of challenge to find a balance. I discovered I had to be doing at least two things at once b/c either I would totally wander off and day dream and miss the whole lesson. Or I'd want to comment on everything. So I needed something to keep my hands busy so the brain could focus on the lesson with out feeling the need to talk and discuss it. In school I spent A LOT of quality time doodling. I learned how to finger spell in sign language so I could spell along with the lecture. I took up calligraphy. In college and church I'd even crochet and cross stitch my way through things.
College was a lot better mostly because the pace was faster. I wouldn't have time to get bored. That was the big problem in grade school. I was BORED. The teacher asked a question and refused to move on until somebody gave the answer. And for some completely retarded reason my fellow class mates decided knowing the answer was not cool and would therefore NOT speak.
So the teacher would stand there and stare until somebody would raise their hands. And ya know what? For me it was a agonizing battle - do I do the unpopular thing and annoy my fellow students and the teacher (who wanted to hear from someone OTHER than me) and give the answer so that we can move on so that I'm not bored or do I just sit there and try to sing songs in my head until somebody else gives in and I can finally learn something else?
I usually tried to limit myself to some arbitrary number - like I'm allowed to answer no more than 2 questions in class today and then space them out so as to help alleviate the pain. Honors classes helped with this A LOT but still college was SO much better because they'd usually move so fast I'm taking notes for all I'm worth and I don't have time to get bored. And they usually don't ask stupid questions either.
I did have the problem in class if I read the book in advance, which I tried to do to keep up but then it would create this problem of, I'd keep up a running commentary under my breath on what I'd like to say if I could raise my hand.
Yes I am a freak of nature and I have Issues. We know.
Usually it worked just fine unless the prof had dang good hearing because I have to sit front and center because I am half deaf. And then some professors would find it more than slightly annoying and I'd really have to watch myself. Or just not read the book in advance so I wasn't anticipating the direction of the conversation and making the connections under my breath.
Which of course created the problem of getting behind. Because I swear I'm either ON the ball or horribly behind. There is no in between. My house is that way too. Either the room is perfect or the room is a disaster area. I don't quite know how that happens but it does.
But I digress because the point here is that for most of my life people were asking where the "OFF" button was to my motor mouth and then I started to have a very peculiar experience in college. When I'd make a comment in a group of people.... they would smile. And laugh. And later even, sometimes, thank me for my thoughts. This was a strange experience.
And now there are people who tell me that they like my blog. And they're rather emphatic about it. I have a guy friend online who describes listening to me rant as "relaxing" and enjoys it. And I wonder what it is exactly that people like so much. Usually when asked I get the response "I like the way you talk."
Which is just perplexing because growing up I got told repeatedly that I "talk funny". And I have no idea what it was I said or how I said it that was so "funny" but I got that all through out my youth. That or they'd declare my an arrogant beotch. That happened more in middle school and early high school.
Which lead to me making jokes about my being fat or dumb because if I made fun of me first then they would laugh and I wouldn't get called a fat arrogant bitch. Which happened. More than once.
The problem was that after several years of being told that, and calling myself that. I started to believe it. I had roughly the self esteem of a gnat and some remarkable door mat like personality characteristics and a nice dose of codependency too.
I really truly believed that I was dumb, or maybe even average intelligence and I just worked hard. I wasn't any smarter than anybody else. I've now determined that is a complete crock of manure. I would say I'm statistically significantly more intelligent than the average population. At least one standard deviation above the norm. I'm not sure if I'd credit myself with more than that but I'm there for sure.
And don't you dare accuse me of being arrogant. I'm still not saying I'm better than anybody. I am saying that I can learn faster than some people. And I don't think that makes me the bees knees or anything its just being aware of my abilities so that I know how best to use them. And also in being aware of how I differ from other people I have better expectations of what other people can and cannot realistically do.
Also, while I might weigh more than I want to, I do think I look good. I like that I have curves. No matter how much weight I lose I will still be SERIOUSLY curvy. And I like it.
Momma got some junk in the trunk. And she likes it.
I now actually like the shape of my own hind quarters. Do you have any idea how MASSIVE a mental shift that is for me? I used to LITERALLY burst into tears after looking in the mirror. I also think I'm pretty. I never used to think that. I think I'm getting more attractive as I get older. That or I've always been attractive and I'm just now seeing it.
No I don't think I'm all that and a bag of chips. But I do think I've got some good things going for me. Which is a huge, massive, giant change from my teen and young adult years where I was sure I was so ugly I should probably go around with a bag over my head and no man could possibly ever want me or find me attractive because I was so grotesquely fat and I was going to die alone.
No there was no drama there either.
I can go out in public with no make up on and see a mirror and not wince. I do still really want my make up if I'm meeting some one new (the whole "first impressions are most important" thing) or actually if I'm feeling sad or insecure and I need to hide that for some reason. Its like my war paint. With it I can face anything. With out it, we're good for daily living. lol. Used to be I religiously applied it every morning. Not anymore.
And since I think this is approaching novel length now I'll stop for now.
Random Post #357e Paragraphs 2-789
So many random ends I want to cover tonight....
1. The purpose of the on ramp on the freeway is so that you can accelerate to freeway speeds (ie be doing AT LEAST the speed limit) before you enter the freeway. Thats right folks, the on ramp is not to just be casually cruised up so you can think about trying to maybe jump into that big scary freeway. You should achieve freeway speeds before you're half way thru the ramp so that you can then look to your left, pick a spot in the traffic for you to merge into and adjust your speed so that you can hit it perfectly.
Is it the most fuel economical thing in the world? Nope. But its a heckuva lot cheaper than an accident. WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE STILL DOING 40 WHEN YOU GET TO THE END OF THE ON RAMP. And whats worse is when I'm stuck behind you, while you commit this gross stupidity. Because by NOT achieving freeway speeds before merging into traffic you impede the flow of traffic and are highly likely to cause an accident.
Did you know that while accidents that involve speeders are more likely to result in a fatality, slow drivers actually cause 70% more accidents?? If you're not prepared to do what is necessary to merge on to a freeway safely - STAY ON THE SURFACE STREETS.
Thank you.
2. So Heavenly Father does hear prayers and He did put the perfect person for me to talk to in my path today so I was able to vent and get it all out and have her understand and not freak out and she was completely empathetic which is so what I needed. Did it fix my problem? No. Do I feel a million percent better? Oh yeah.
Also I did get an answer, of sorts, to my concerns while I was listening to the Relief Society General broadcast (I'll explain in a min) and that was "Forget yourself and get to work". And that was SOOO not the answer I wanted. Will it help? I'm sure it will. Is it what I'm supposed to do? Yes. Should I stop with the pity parties and get over myself and suck it up? Yes. Do I wanna??? NOOOOOOO. Was that what I wanted to hear??? Oh heck no. Was that what I needed to hear? Unfortunately the answer to this is probably yes. *ugh* I just wanted Him to magically fix it! Ya know??
And here I am again going "Okay Heavenly Father, your power, and my plan! Lets go!!" And He just laughs at me. And it NEVER works the way I want it to or think its going to.
I just wanna take one more moment to pout and be petulant and then I'll grow up and go lose myself in service and feel better.
*pouts*
*is petulant*
*sigh* Okay. Moving on.
Mormon Moment: The Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the worlds oldest and largest women's organization. Created to give service and to uplift and support women the world over its just plain AWESOME. And once a year we have a big broadcast. They get all the big wigs in Salt Lake City and they have a little 1-2 hour series of talks and AMAZING music and they show it around the world by TV, satellite, internet, radio, probably carrier pigeon if they have to. And its awesome. And you listen and are inspired, and frantically scratch out notes of things you want to remember, and walk out of there feeling like a million bucks. I <3 the RS Broadcast.
3. In other news we finally managed to finish all 3 bracelets and set up the display board for the class they want me to teach on jewelry making at church. I think its going to be a ton of fun and I'm particularly proud of the bracelets. Because we've got quite the age range going - we're going to invite all the women from age 12 up to this activity. So I need something that is going to appeal to quite the spectrum. So I think I have something my Mom would love, one that I am thrilled with, and one that I think the younger set is gonna like. So I think we're covered.
Also we managed to keep all 3 in budget. Go me.
4. We fly out in T minus 4 days and counting. :D :D :D Is it weird that I'm more concerned about what jewelry I'm going to wear to this conference than anything else?? lol
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Dooce
So I'm a little slow b/c apparently there's this blogger with a site by the name of Dooce and she's apparently like the most popular blogger in the whole friggin' world and been on the news and a dozen different shows and magazines etc.
And um.... prior to yesterday I'd never, ever heard of her. Because I live under a rock. Duh.
But point is, I checked out her site and after laughing myself silly at some of her posts I looked up her book (she's got two) and read the little exerpts on Amazon.
Apparently her story in a nutshell is she started blogging back when blogging was new, and made headlines by being fired for ranting about her boss on her blog. She then got married, got pregnant, had massive issues with post partum depression and blogged all about that too.
Now let me say that anybody who goes through post partum depression (PPD) has my deepest sympathy and love. But I find myself extremely disturbed at one thought. She's a person who suffers from chronic depression. She has to take her little pill everyday to make sure she's in control of her emotions - something I completely understand because apparently my brain was miswired in exactly the same way for the last decade. But um, she went off her meds so that she could get pregnant and have a baby.
And in so doing, not at all surprisingly wound up with mad, crazy depression and anxiety. Which was pretty much one of my personal nightmares. I've actually known people who wound up with good old fashion post partum psychosis their PPD was so bad. And I was scared sh*tless that thats exactly what would happen to me. I mean deep, bone chilling fear.
Which is why I did a lot of homework on antidepressants and pregnancy. I talked to SEVERAL physicians. I looked up the research. I have a frigging degree in psych. And I personally made the decision to stay on my meds through out the entire process.
Granted my psych med of choice is Zoloft which is the one you want to take if you want to try to have a healthy baby and not go nuts from your depression so yay for me I didn't even have to adjust my meds. And I do not know if she has tried Zoloft and it didn't work for her and the only psych meds that work for her are the ones that will make your kid grow antlers or something.
But my gut reaction to seeing those words in print was "ZOMG WHYYYYYY????" I'm just like gasping that someone would go through my personal nightmare if they didn't have to. Because I have a VERY healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy and minimal depression issues (Although I admittedly gained like 40 pounds after I had the kid b/c I self medicated with brownies a fair bit but thats another discussion) by conceiving and carrying to term, and breast feeding there after all while taking my little happy pills.
And so, I'm glad she overcame this huge challenge. I'm awed that she's got the courage to share it with others and spread hope and light and humor through a crappy situation. But I honestly think that if I couldn't take psych meds and have a healthy baby I'd probably adopt rather than try to go off my meds when I need them. And I wonder if she could possibly have avoided the whole mess by just taking Zoloft....
I really don't mean to judge and be harsh but its so just shock and awe for me and I want people to know there is another option. Its possible to have a healthy baby and your happy pills too. But should you chose the other path, you should probably go chat with Dooce because she is a survivor.
And um.... prior to yesterday I'd never, ever heard of her. Because I live under a rock. Duh.
But point is, I checked out her site and after laughing myself silly at some of her posts I looked up her book (she's got two) and read the little exerpts on Amazon.
Apparently her story in a nutshell is she started blogging back when blogging was new, and made headlines by being fired for ranting about her boss on her blog. She then got married, got pregnant, had massive issues with post partum depression and blogged all about that too.
Now let me say that anybody who goes through post partum depression (PPD) has my deepest sympathy and love. But I find myself extremely disturbed at one thought. She's a person who suffers from chronic depression. She has to take her little pill everyday to make sure she's in control of her emotions - something I completely understand because apparently my brain was miswired in exactly the same way for the last decade. But um, she went off her meds so that she could get pregnant and have a baby.
And in so doing, not at all surprisingly wound up with mad, crazy depression and anxiety. Which was pretty much one of my personal nightmares. I've actually known people who wound up with good old fashion post partum psychosis their PPD was so bad. And I was scared sh*tless that thats exactly what would happen to me. I mean deep, bone chilling fear.
Which is why I did a lot of homework on antidepressants and pregnancy. I talked to SEVERAL physicians. I looked up the research. I have a frigging degree in psych. And I personally made the decision to stay on my meds through out the entire process.
Granted my psych med of choice is Zoloft which is the one you want to take if you want to try to have a healthy baby and not go nuts from your depression so yay for me I didn't even have to adjust my meds. And I do not know if she has tried Zoloft and it didn't work for her and the only psych meds that work for her are the ones that will make your kid grow antlers or something.
But my gut reaction to seeing those words in print was "ZOMG WHYYYYYY????" I'm just like gasping that someone would go through my personal nightmare if they didn't have to. Because I have a VERY healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy and minimal depression issues (Although I admittedly gained like 40 pounds after I had the kid b/c I self medicated with brownies a fair bit but thats another discussion) by conceiving and carrying to term, and breast feeding there after all while taking my little happy pills.
And so, I'm glad she overcame this huge challenge. I'm awed that she's got the courage to share it with others and spread hope and light and humor through a crappy situation. But I honestly think that if I couldn't take psych meds and have a healthy baby I'd probably adopt rather than try to go off my meds when I need them. And I wonder if she could possibly have avoided the whole mess by just taking Zoloft....
I really don't mean to judge and be harsh but its so just shock and awe for me and I want people to know there is another option. Its possible to have a healthy baby and your happy pills too. But should you chose the other path, you should probably go chat with Dooce because she is a survivor.
Talking in circles about nothing
I've got a problem. And this is going to sound like the most bass-ackwards statement you've ever heard but I think this may be the first time I've ever had a problem that I can't talk to anybody about. I mean I'm really seriously racking my brains here and I don't know who to discuss this with.
I might be a freak but I've always kind of, compartmentalized my friendships. Not really intentionally it just works out that way. So if I'm having an issue related to someone in group A, then I can discuss it with a person from group B who can offer me objective advice and I don't have to worry about it getting back to the person from group A b/c the two groups have absolutely NO contact and I'm not wanting to gossip I just need to consult with somebody. And this has served me well prior to now.
The one person I can discuss anything with is the person with whom I'm having the problem. I can't blog about it because of privacy and loyalty issues. I can't figure out how to talk around it so that I can talk through it. None of my non Mormon friends will understand what my issue is and none of my mormon friends would be comfortable discussing it. There is one person I can think of who will understand the issue and be okay discussing it but I know what they're going to say already and thats not what I want or need to hear just yet. And I can think of 2 others with whom I might be able to have this chat if I can get over my personal embarrassment of discussing the topic with them at all. I mean they'd probably be uncomfortable too but they love me enough they'd hear me out. Probably. Maybe.
I don't know. Maybe I'll figure it out. But right now I can't think clearly enough to think through it and I can't figure out who to use as my sounding board. I've tried just journalling it out but thats not working. I've chased that tiger around and around in my head and I'm sick of it.
I guess I should just pray harder. But I'm so tense and wrapped up in this I can't feel anything spiritually to get any answers back. And mostly what I really want to do is self medicate with chocolate and we're trying very hard to avoid the baked goods because we've done so good with the weight loss lately. But I'm stressed and a little freaked and right now I want an f-ing cake and a whole frigging pan of brownies. And maybe some ice cream.
I may also have issues with food.
I might be a freak but I've always kind of, compartmentalized my friendships. Not really intentionally it just works out that way. So if I'm having an issue related to someone in group A, then I can discuss it with a person from group B who can offer me objective advice and I don't have to worry about it getting back to the person from group A b/c the two groups have absolutely NO contact and I'm not wanting to gossip I just need to consult with somebody. And this has served me well prior to now.
The one person I can discuss anything with is the person with whom I'm having the problem. I can't blog about it because of privacy and loyalty issues. I can't figure out how to talk around it so that I can talk through it. None of my non Mormon friends will understand what my issue is and none of my mormon friends would be comfortable discussing it. There is one person I can think of who will understand the issue and be okay discussing it but I know what they're going to say already and thats not what I want or need to hear just yet. And I can think of 2 others with whom I might be able to have this chat if I can get over my personal embarrassment of discussing the topic with them at all. I mean they'd probably be uncomfortable too but they love me enough they'd hear me out. Probably. Maybe.
I don't know. Maybe I'll figure it out. But right now I can't think clearly enough to think through it and I can't figure out who to use as my sounding board. I've tried just journalling it out but thats not working. I've chased that tiger around and around in my head and I'm sick of it.
I guess I should just pray harder. But I'm so tense and wrapped up in this I can't feel anything spiritually to get any answers back. And mostly what I really want to do is self medicate with chocolate and we're trying very hard to avoid the baked goods because we've done so good with the weight loss lately. But I'm stressed and a little freaked and right now I want an f-ing cake and a whole frigging pan of brownies. And maybe some ice cream.
I may also have issues with food.
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