This Pregnancy is Kicking my Butt

Fair warning I'm going to whine here but I need to get it out so don't mind me while I'm purging and just carry on with your lives.

So I'm 22 weeks along now and just yesterday was commenting on how glad I was that I was starting to finally feel mostly human. Ha... hahah.... ha.

Which is of course why I woke up this morning with a migraine after not being able to sleep for most of last night. And of course the meds I can take while pregnant for this migraine cost wayyyy too much money to not work at all. Oh so annoying.

And I just feel like such a wimp b/c at first I was like "Oh I just have to make it to 12 weeks and then I'll feel better". And then 12 weeks came and went and nope I didn't feel better. In fact I felt so much worse I finally had to wimp out and go on anti-nausea meds. (For the record: Caleb made me this sick. He just didn't make me this sick for this LONG).

So then I told myself if I could just hold on until 16 weeks, surely I would feel better then. And at 16 weeks I developed a heart arrhythmia that sent me to the ER and then to a cardiologist. Thankfully its one of the ones thats more annoying than dangerous but if I get dehydrated and it happens I could pass out. If you thought I was diligent about my water drinking before, you haven't seen me since the doc dropped that one on me!

So they put me on meds for the heart thing after putting me on one of those 24 hour heart monitors (anyone who ever has to put up with one of those has my deepest sympathies. It is NOT pleasant for those of us with sensitive skin. That tape was EVIL). And after a few weeks on meds I did in fact start to feel better, which was lovely.

So now that we've passed the 20 week mark, which was of course my next magic line, that once crossed would leave me feeling just peachy, which is proof that my mental faculties have been diminished by this pregnancy b/c otherwise I would have learned my lesson after the first 2 times and laughed at myself for daring to think I'd ever REALLY feel better this time around - now.... now I'm having migraines.

They'd been doing much better, until the last few weeks. And now I'm having migraines that last for days and days and the meds I can take do NOTHING for them. Mercifully they're not the worst head aches I've ever had, but its just so harsh that once you've slept as much as you can, so you can't sleep at all anymore, then you get BORED. And the pain isn't TOO bad as long as you stay laying down, perfectly still in a darkened room and avoid light and noise. But then you wish you could die of boredom so you get the lights as low as you can on your phone and reread novels off your kindle until the pain from the light is worse from the boredom and then you turn it off and wait for the pain to die back down and sit there and hate the whole world. And then I miss my son b/c of course being stuck in here in the dark I'm not out there playing with him and reading stories and getting cuddles.

And even on good days I wish I had more energy. Desperately so. B/c after being so wretchedly sick for 4 months my poor house and yard are in desperate need of attention and Adam is finally starting to do better (he's been sick w/ various issues as well) but domestic stuff isn't his strong suit and the yard especially needs to be unburied before we get fined by the city for the stupid weeds in the front yard.

And so normally the best way for me to get more energy is to work out right? But right now no matter how careful I am not to over do it (b/c "pregnancy is not the time to start a strenuous new work out routine"), instead of energizing me like it usually does, it completely wipes me out the next day, and possibly the day after that as well. My Mom tells me not to push it. She says my body and especially my heart are over taxed as it is "So be careful and rest if your body says to rest!"

But thats just so farking frustrating. And I'm trying so hard not to compare myself to all the other pregnant women I know. B/c you shouldn't compare your biggest weaknesses to their biggest strengths and I know that. But seriously?? I know women that have more kids than me, still keep a spotless house, go to work and/or school full time and cook and clean and all of that while pregnant and my poor family has been living on sandwiches and fast food for months because I'm too sick to cook at all. And I just feel like a complete failure.

I mean I know women who are pregnant that have it so much worse than me. I'm not in the hospital. I didn't get so sick I had to have IV meds, I was able to control my puking with just the regular pill. I'm not on bed rest and thus far every test has come back clear and all the indicators say I have a healthy baby girl *knock on wood*. And let me tell you this child is crazy energetic. I can't believe something that only weighs a pound can kick that hard already (mercifully it doesn't hurt yet). I never even have to do kick counts b/c at her most mellow she still kicks me once or twice in a 5 minute period and the rest of the time you'd swear she was doing Zumba or some other enthusiastic Latin dance craze. I am so lucky and blessed that way.

Its just hard to feel like a failure. And I hate to ask for help b/c I know other people are so busy and I keep feeling like maybe if I could just push a little harder I could do this. And I'm not sure how much they could do anyways b/c so much is sorting and crap that I really need to do.

So the good news is that I have a follow up with my neurologist for the migraines in 2 weeks anyways so I'm going to call and beg him to do the nerve block injections then b/c thats safer for the baby than any meds they could give me that would work better for the head aches.

And in the mean time just ignore me. Its a bad day and my head hurts and I just feel like a complete failure and I miss my Mommy terribly right now and I just needed to whine. But I can't even call anybody b/c talking on the phone would hurt my head. Hows that for harsh?

Guess what!

In case you don't follow me on FB: I'm pregnant!!

I just did a big long post on my family blog with lots of ultrasound pictures and videos if you wanna watch: http://fleipaper.blogspot.com/2013/02/we-are-pregnant.html

The Power of Negative Self Talk

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while, and I usually sit and hammer out a post all in one go as part of a therapeutic purging but this one I think might take time. We'll see.

I want to talk about the incredible power that your self talk has over your self image. Because I don't think I can understate the incredible difference that this has made in my life. And its still new for me but I want to share because it has been such a change for good, that I can't not share what I've learned with those I love. Ya know?

Some definitions before we start so we're all on the same page. Self talk is the things you say to or about yourself and how you say them. You can say them out loud or in your head, it doesn't matter, they have power either way. These things can be good or bad. And sometimes its not immediately obvious which category they fall under b/c as a society we tend to be fond of self deprecating humor, but that too is often dangerous. I'll talk more on this in a bit.

Self Image is how you see yourself. This includes both your mental image of yourself and what you see when you look in the mirror (which is not usually what is really there but can be strongly altered by the filter of your self image). Some one who is depressed is liable to have a very negative self image and what they see when they look in the mirror might be very accurate on the negative end of the spectrum but they can't see any of the good that others see. Other mental illness such as eating disorders can warp your perspective so badly that while they might look like a holocaust survivor to anyone else, but when they look in the mirror all they can see is a fat person. Literally. Some one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder would look in the same mirror and see only good things (possibly far more good things than are actually there) and none of the bad.

I think one of the healthier goals you can have in life is to have a fairly accurate and overall positive self image.

I'm also going to pull the terms Pride and Self Esteem and in my usage they're not going to be the same thing. Self Esteem is positive self pride - for example - when you are rightly glad and proud of yourself for the good things that you have done and for the accurate evaluation of your own strengths. Its a good thing to have good self esteem. You want to have positive self worth.

Pride in my usage is akin to arrogance and over statement of your own achievements. You fail to recognize the support that others give you in your tasks. Everything you do is good and perfect and wonderful and you did it all by yourself and others should kiss your grits.

Negative Self Esteem is what happens when you feel worthless because you fail to recognize the good and give credit to yourself.

And now I'm going to share w/ you an image that I slaved over in photoshop that, sadly, came as something of a revelation to me in my early 20s. Because somehow I got it into my head as a teenager that there were only two options:

If you said good things about yourself, then you were arrogant and stuck up. And I had been horribly bullied by arrogant, stuck up girls so I desperately didn't want to be like them so I avoided saying anything nice about myself at all costs.

This was bad (also wrong).

The reality is that its a spectrum. There are 3 options and not just two. And like most things, swinging too far in either direction is a bad thing but theres a happy place somewhere in the middle that you want to aim for where life is good. With out further ado here it is:

Aren't you amazed at how beautifully colored and detailed that chart is? I know its amazing. lol. But ya know what? It works great to illustrate my point. Its a spectrum and I've discovered that not only can you say nice things to yourself and about yourself with out becoming one of "Those" people, you SHOULD say nice things to and about yourself because its healthy and does good things for you.

Ya know for years in Psych I read about and was taught about the power of positive and negative self talk. And somehow I just didn't think that really applied to me. Yes, in this one area I had rocks in my head but the good news is that I have learned.

I used to have horrible self esteem and an even worse self image. Looking in the mirror used to reduce me to tears. Literally. When I looked in the mirror all I could see was someone grotesquely obese (regardless of my actual size at the time) and borderline deformed in the face. I couldn't see a single positive thing and all I could see were all the horrible imperfections and it seemed the longer I stared at them the more pronounced the deformation.

And the things I said to myself and about myself were even worse. It started when I was in middle school and people called me an arrogant bitch because I was intelligent and wouldn't let people copy off my papers (because I felt it was morally wrong and I didn't want to be a sinner).

People said I talked funny. (The clearest I could get anybody to elaborate on what it was I was doing wrong, so I could try to fix it, was that it was my vocabulary and I had no idea how to fix that.) But I learned quickly that if I made fun of myself first - that self deprecating humor I mentioned earlier - then it diffused the situation and they laughed with me instead of at me. It was survival in the horrible school I was in (I was living in the ghetto and my name was "Hey White Girl" for a few years). And like many survival skills for horrible situations - they might save your life then but applied to normal life, are terribly unhealthy.

Then we moved and I hit puberty and now because I had boobs and hips when none of my peers did, they called me fat and I learned to apply self deprecating humor to that as well.


I have a pet theory that this is why so many fat comics commit suicide. Because they too learned that if they made fun of their weight before others did that they could avoid being laughed AT and instead be laughed WITH. But they, like me, didn't realize the terrible price of that humor...


The problem, that I didn't realize at the time, is that long term - I believed it. I started to believe I really was stupid and fat. It happened so slowly I didn't notice but it did happen.

By the time I was in high school, I was seriously considering an eating disorder as a viable weight loss option because I was so unhappy with how I looked. Even when I lost weight and was dang near perfect in my proportions (in hindsight) I still thought I was fat. I compared myself to the other girls and because I wasn't perfect, I was worthless.

And that is more or less how I thought until college. And there a few wonderful roommates and companions on my mission taught me the revolutionary new thoughts that "Chubby girls get married too" and "Anybody who doesn't want you because of how you look, isn't the kind of person you want to be with anyways" and "Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you're worthless".

Those might sound like "Duh" statements to you, (and I sincerely hope thats the case) but sadly, for me they were revolutionary.

And then I met Adam. And for what he has taught me in this area I will forever be thankful. Because prior to getting married to him I avoided all negative self talk in his presence (okay maybe more like 90% of the time I managed to keep it hidden) b/c I loved the way he saw me and I didn't want to point out all the things wrong w/ me in case I managed to convince him of them and he'd lose interest...

So when we got married and he started hearing more of it (harder to hide things from people you live with) his response was thusly: "Hey!! Nobody gets to talk smack about my wife! Not even my wife!"  lol. It made me smile and it seemed to truly, deeply bother him when ever I did it so I made a conscious effort to avoid negative self talk aloud in his presence.

And sometimes the difference was subtle. Instead of going "Omg, I am so stupid!" (which would get me in trouble lol), I could say "Oh man, I had a stupid!" (Which he also objected to initially and I pointed out, that no I'm not stupid in general, but in this one decision was a poor choice etc etc).

Doesn't sound like much of a difference but I started to notice a change in the feeling. When I would call myself stupid, it didn't feel nice. It was a pang in my chest. But when I would say "Oh man, I can't believe I had that stupid moment", I didn't get that bad feeling. I like avoiding bad feelings so I kept it up. I even started to watch how I worded things in my own head.

Then I realized I was going to be having children and that I desperately didn't want them to learn my bad self image habits from me (because "Do what I say and not what I do" has never yet proven to be an effective parenting technique). And, this sounds silly, but I learned I couldn't look at myself in the mirror with out a barrage of negative thoughts. So I avoided it. Unless I'm doing my hair or make up, or just checking to make sure I look okay before walking out the door, I didn't look in the mirror.

It was kind of a "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and since staring at myself in the mirror naked lead to involuntary negative thoughts (not that I made a habit out of that or anything, just more, I catch sight of myself after say a shower and go "OMG!" and then stare for a few minutes at what I felt was a train wreck and poke and prod and jiggle and catologue all the parts I hated... you wanna talk about powerful negative reinforcement....). But so because I couldn't look with out bad thoughts, I made sure I avoided looking.

And I did this for probably a year or so. I'm not sure exactly. I still find its not advisable for me to stare. Its much healthier for me to only check out my weight loss progress in the mirror with clothing ON. And to make sure to ridgidly control my thoughts. "Yes this does not look how I would like it to look, BUT it does look better than it did before and that is positive". I also make sure I include at least one positive for every negative to try to keep balance.

And something miraculous started to happen. After I'd do my make up and look in the mirror, instead of wincing and going "Well thats as good as its going to get", I'd actually look in the mirror, wince free and think "I actually look pretty decent!" I even got so far as thinking I looked pretty.

Then another little miracle happened. I posted a bunch of headshots to FB for opinions from friends (I needed a new profile pic for work) and an old friend of mine who is gifted with photoshop took one and played around with it. She sent me a copy and apologized and hoped I didn't mind.

And no, no I didn't mind one little bit.

In fact I stared at this image for weeks afterwards (which sounds incredibly vain now that I write it but I swear its not) just because I was so shocked that that girl in the picture was ME and she was beautiful. I had never put myself and the word beautiful together in a sentence. I was pretty, maybe, with make up. But I'd never be so arrogant as to call myself beautiful. But that was the only word I felt was accurate for that picture. I think it helps A LOT that the pencil-sketch like quality of the picture means you only see the features themselves and not any imperfections in the skin or circles under the eyes. You just see the features that are very pleasant.

But either way it was the start of a recognition of the revolution that had happened with out my hardly even noticing. I discovered that I actually liked myself, that I could look in a mirror and LIKE what I saw there and that while I don't look like I want to look like, in terms of "I'd like to be skinnier because I want to be healthy", I don't hate or punish myself for not looking like I should.

And I credit it to my positive self talk. Its important people. Don't ever, ever call yourself dumb or stupid or ugly. Never. Not even for a joke. You might have made a stupid decision or made an ugly face but you yourself are not stupid or fat or ugly.

So please, start today. Resolve to never, ever say bad things about yourself. Not even in your own head. It hurts. Even if it seems silly or frivolous, I thought Adam was full of it and I only stopped abusing myself to keep the peace in our house but I cannot understate the powerful positive impact this has made in my life.

Self abuse robbed me of the energy I need to accomplish things, don't let it steal your joy and your energy. You can have positive self esteem with out being prideful. Be accurate and fair to yourself. I am not fat. I have weight I would like to lose so that I can be healthier. I am not stupid tho I occasionally make stupid decisions but I can learn from those and not do them again.

(For the record, this took a couple weeks to write).

I feel better now

I just wanted to apologize to anybody who actually read my last post. I blame the hor-moan-ies. (No pun intended, Im trying to capture the pronunciation from My Big Fat Greek Wedding).

The good news is sometimes you just have to hit bottom, have a pity party and cry for a bit to get your husbands attention. LOL

After a long talk w/ the Hub, we then both jumped in and did some cleaning including moving the filing cabinet to its new home (where it is INFINITELY more functional and accessible) and then my Wonderful and Amazing Husband took it upon himself to do some cleaning in the kitchen/dining room AND catch up on the bulk of the filing backlog in that room.

Its a frickin miracle. He cleared over half the floor AND counter space. You can see my kitchen counters, floors and kitchen table ALL at the same time!! Really!

So that has helped me to feel infinitely better about life and I even managed to get ALL THREE COATS of acrylic varnish sealer stuff on the book cases and shelves so they are all set out to dry and cure up and then we'll be able to throw the bookcases together FINALLY which will empty out that back bedroom nicely in time for my folks to come stay for Christmas.

Life is definitely looking up.

Its a miracle.

I'm in a bad mood

Do you ever just hate your house and think there is no way in hell you are ever going to get this disgusting pit of filth clean?

Cuz that's where I am at right now. I am never going to manage to get this god awful hell hole clean. I'm entirely ready to just pile everything up in the yard, light a match and just start over. I think I will manage to reach my goal weight before I manage to conquer this mess.

I don't even want to try any more because in order to actually fix it I will have to do major gut and purge work and while I do that my back will be turned on the rest of the filth that will breed with abandon while I'm not looking. And gut and purge work always generates terrifying mess while its in process anyways and I think if this gets much worse we won't actually be able to move and the health department may actually shut us down.

And I have to conquer it bc my parents are coming for Christmas and there's no where for them to stay atm bc we have succeeded in covering every effing flat surface (save most of the floor but gimme one more week there...) with crap, crap and more crap.

And it just makes me angry and I want to throw things and smash things and I'm not usually the destructive type but right now I feel like I'm up against Goliath alone and with my hubby and kid and 3 cats are workin their hardest to generate as much filth as possible to undermine the ground I'm standing on.

And for some reason I'd really rather read a book or sleep right now than deal with my life.

I wish I could have my mommy here to help me dig my way out of this pit bc she loves me and really wouldn't judge me like I deserve to be judged for lettin my house get this bad. Anybody else would judge me and they'd be right to do so.

Times like now I envy my sister her anxiety disorder. She freaks out/stresses out like this and she had to clean everything. I get stressed and just want to curl up in my little stress ball fetal position and hide. Either way I would feel like shit but at least I could feel like shit in a clean house and that seems to bring her some measure of comfort instead of me just adding to my problems.

The Problem With Fiction

See this is why my reading new fiction is dangerous. I almost never have this problem with non fic no matter how fascinating it is. But when it comes to good fiction... I lack... Middle gears. Even if I do manage I tell myself to go to bed, and put the book down, my brain still won't let me sleep. I have.to. Know. What happens NEXT. I'm like one of those animals with lock jaw that latches on to something and can't let go for love or money.

If I didn't have plans I can't easily weasel out of tomorrow I'd just say screw it and stay up all night but I need sleep and so I'm layin here, futilely trying to sleep and failing miserably.

And this is why I reread old books. They're safer that way. I can actually put them down (usually, provided its not the good part) when I need to and get my brain back from them. I don't latch on like a limpet. I can moderate. But tonight it was this or cake and I had 52.8 running through my head so I chose this.

Maybe telling you about it will sufficiently exorcise my demons and I will sleep. Also I'm typing this via the blogger mobile app on my phone an not proof reading so we apologize in advance.

Oh the Profanity

WOW.

So I made the mistake of indulging in some morbid curiosity and did some math this afternoon. I've been doing Weight Watchers for a little over a year now and I wonder how much weight I'd actually lost, not counting the weight I've gained back occasionally when I have a stupid and stop tracking for a while.

Because I mean I know reached 25 lbs below my starting weight at one point but I've gained some back. It was my fault. I stopped tracking and started doing emotional eating and thats like taking an alcoholic to a bar. I swear I'll be okay, it will just be one drink and then 8 pounds later I go, "Oh CRAP!" and start getting serious again. I tell myself its okay, I just need to forgive myself and move on. At least I'm lighter than I was before, yada yada yada.

But I'm really kind of annoyed with myself at the moment because I have gained and lost the same 8 pounds THREE TIMES NOW. And its all my fault. Weight Watchers is a totally livable program. I can absolutely do this. The problem is that I get lazy or stressed or whatever and I stop tracking my points. I tell myself its okay, I know what I'm doing now. I'll keep track in my head. Its just for today. Then today turns into a week, and a week turns into 3 weeks and then I finally break down and face the scale and its bad.

I, Ami, am addicted to food and I cannot control my eating with out help. Seriously.

So even though I hit 25 lbs below my starting weight, I'm sitting at more like 18 pounds below starting at the moment.

And I was curious - how much weight have I lost total? Not including the gain backs? So I looked it up  on my weight trackers. I figured it would probably be in the mid 30 pound range, right? Sounds reasonable. Not too bad.

Oh no. 52.8 pounds. Thats right. You read that right. In the last 14 months I have lost a total of fifty-two-point-fricking-eight POUNDS. And what do I have to show for it??! 18 pounds and some change.

Thats it.

Oh. my. God.

I would be well over a third of the way to goal weight. Almost half way to my goal weight if I hadn't taken those little binge holidays. OVER A THIRD OF THE WAY.

I have worked my butt off to lose over 52.8 pounds and I only have 18.6 pounds to show for it because I lack the consistency and dedication and HUMILITY to admit I cannot control myself and I have to track my points because with out accountability I will screw up. Hell you'd think I would have got the message when I was staring down the barrel at 300 pounds and decided to start doing Weight Watchers because clearly I don't know how to feed myself with out gaining weight! But no, I clearly lack real conversion to that principle because otherwise I'd have 52.8 pounds to show for it and not 18 pounds.

So that means while I lost 52.8 pounds, I've gained 34.2 of it BACK. And I didn't do it all at once. I'd lose 10 pounds gain back 2. Lose 6 pounds, gain back 1. Lose 9.5 pounds, gain back .5. Lose 3 pounds and gain back 6.

52.8 pounds!!!!

REALLY. I could be THAT MUCH LIGHTER RIGHT NOW. I could have FIVE of those lovely 10 pounds lost ribbons on my board in the kitchen instead of the 2 I do have. OMG.

I'm in shock. Can you tell?! I'm good old fashioned flabbergasted!! HOLEY-CHIT MAN!!

52.8 pounds!!! 52.8 POUNDS! FIFTY-two-point-eight POUNDS!!! O. M. G.