Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Definition of Insanity

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the quote (don't ask me who said it):

"The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over, expecting different results".

This is one of the things that annoys me the most about people. The ones who when given the answer to whatever problem they're whining about now continue to beat their head against the same wall that gave them the head ache in the first place. Cuz honey, if xyz didn't get you where you wanna go the last 5,000 times you tried it why on earth don't you CHANGE SOMETHING to something that say... I dunno... actually works.

Another one of those nasty, uncomfortable quotes is: "The thing that bugs you the most about others is most often the thing that bugs others the most about you".

And so in the interest of full disclosure, and trying to do as the bible directs and remove the beam from my own eye before I go picking motes (splinters) out of other peoples eyes I'll tell you where I do well at this, and where I FAIL at this.

Where I succeed in the changing of my own behavior is mostly likely to be in my relationships. How I related to others and how I relate to myself. I used to hate myself and I used to tolerate abuse from others, and my communication skill SUCKED. I'm much, MUCH better about this now. I actually like myself, and my relationships are MUCH healthier and I don't tolerate abuse (99% of the time).

I'm not perfect, and it took me YEARS to get this far, but by golly I have kicked some butt!

I FAIL at this concept when it comes to my eating. I've realized that what I really want is for the way that I have always eaten, that I'm comfortable with, and have always done to magically change. I want it to magically change from a way to gain weight (which it is, my current pants size being the case and point) to a way to lose weight.

Because I can diet. I can even stick to that diet for 6 months or more and I can drop a bunch of weight. But in the end, I got back to my old eating habits and those old eating habits are what got me into this boat.

I always before blamed my weight problem on my metabolism. I just have chitty metabolism and thats why I'm so heavy. There's no way for me to eat enough to be full and not gain weight.

And then I tried the Skinny Chicks program and discovered I can eat a healthy balanced meal, and be full, and still lose weight. And I did and I was doing great. But as good as it was it was still uncomfortable because it was different. Because I couldn't have all the baked goods I wanted whenever I wanted them.  Because I wanted to continue eating the same way I always have and have that magically work out for me.

And its stupid, illogical and insane. And I know that. What I need to do is create a permanent change in my eating habits. If I continue to diet and then go back to eating like I always have, I will simply continue to yo-yo my weight up and down like Oprah.

I make conciliatory gestures. I work out more and get active, in lieu of actually changing my eating. Its like my eating is the abusive boy friend I just can't break up with. I'd kill a man who tried to harm my body like this eating is harming me.

And thats part of the problem is that - aside from some joint pain - I'm shockingly healthy. My blood work is all good, my blood pressure looks great. I can conceive and carry to term a healthy baby boy. I even have positive self esteem. I can't hate myself for being fat anymore. Its more important for me to be happy.

And so I'm left to try to motivate myself with the "good reasons". Because I want to be healthy. Because I want to live a long and happy life (you'll notice there are not a lot of fat old people. B/c being fat is a good way to die young).

I think my biggest motivation right now is that I need to teach Caleb by example how to eat right. Because my Mom taught me how to eat right. She told me all the science and begged, pleaded and cajoled me to eat right. But she didn't show me how. And I'm not saying its all her fault, I'm a big girl and I take responsibility for my own problem, but I've got almost 30 years built into this bad habit and its only gonna get harder to break as time goes on.

And I don't want Caleb to have to fight this battle if there's anything I can do about it.

So I know the how. I know the why. What I need is momentum. I need to actually kick my own butt in gear and start working towards this and I'm not sure how to start.

On my mission we taught people you not only had to make a goal, you had to have a plan of action, and accountability otherwise all you're doing is wishing. Thats probably the answer.

I should start praying for the desire to change (because I really, really don't want to) - and ultimately thats the problem here - I don't wanna. I need to want it. So I'll pray for the desire to change and then I think I'm going to start by simply making sure I eat a protein and carb combo every 4 hours. I'll work on improving the quality of what I'm eating over time but I think the every 4 hours is the biggest change and whats gonna take the most effort and make the biggest difference so we'll start there.

Now I need some accountability. I think I will make like a calendar and check off every time I eat? Or maybe I can set up my phone to give me an alarm? I'll have to think a bit more about this part.

Lastly I think I'd best start this on like Friday when I can afford to go grocery shopping. Eating this much takes some planning and I'm gonna need to buy some more food....

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