Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Oh Bugger.

Well it finally happened. The recession found us.

As of June 30th Adam's position as a rehabilitation specialist has been eliminated. The slight upside is that they have offered him a step down position as a Case Manager II. Its the same money but its the crappy hours, high stress position that nearly drove him over the edge and that we were so grateful when he got the RS position. Oh and if he doesn't take the CM position they will consider it to be a "voluntary resignation" aka - no severance, unemployment etc.

And the odds of him finding another job in Arizona? Approximately zilch. So basically take this job and pray you don't slit your wrists between now and graduate school or quit and don't get jack.

I love a rock and a hard place.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I need to vent

Today we returned from Houston to Phoenix. And I was very excited to do this because Mr. Caleb has been getting just a little bit spoiled (ie now if his feet touch the floor and he doesn't want them to instead of minor whining its a category 4 MELT DOWN) and I want to be able to hand him to his Daddy and have him be HIS PROBLEM. (IMO - 2 parents is an evolutionary survival tactic designed to cut down on the number of animals that eat their young).

Well Mr. Caleb felt the need to wake up at 6:30 am for the third day in a row. So while I was finishing my packing and Grandma was getting ready for work Mr. Caleb screamed his little head off b/c he wasn't being held and given that he wouldn't eat or drink I decided his throat was hurting him again so I went to dose him with tylenol and horror of horrors discovered I was now OUT of tylenol. You'd think a half bottle would be good for a 2 week trip but I wasn't counting on him catching his cousin's cold. So now we're running late because I have to run into Walgreens to get tylenol so the kiddo will stop screaming and eat. And thanks to the big recall theres no dye free stuff available, just the store brand (we like the dye free b/c the regular stuff stains everything red).

So I finally get to the airport and apparently Hobby, unlike Bush or Sky Harbor doesn't have a bunch of little dudes happy to shlep your luggage for a tip. So I wound up tying my suit cases together (b/c the little clip things are long dead) and pushing my stroller with one hand and pulling the suit cases with the other. Getting them untied took some doing and the line was a MILE long.

We finally get through the mile long line and of course one bag is over the 50 lb weight limit so I did a quick switch with my toiletry bag (that apparently weighs 6 pounds) and voila we're good to go. I get in the TSA line...

Dumb Shmuck #1: Starts to tell me I can't have my bottle of water that I use to make formula. (Usually they see the kid and don't argue with me). I explain that it is "Nursery Water" so yes in fact I can have it thank you.

Dumb Shmuck #2 & 3 (it appeared to be a supervisor/trainee situation): Of course insist on dismantling my entire diaper bag, testing the water and formula for explosives which is standard but THEN they insisted on OPENING my FACTORY SEALED jars of baby food to test them too. I have flown with baby food a half dozen times now and they have NEVER made me open the baby food. I'm like are you fricking kidding me??? But whatever they do their thing and we go.

Miraculously there were MULTIPLE handicap stalls in the bathroom and they were even open and available so I was able to get right in there stroller and all for my preflight preparations. I managed to finish feeding the kiddo (the tylenol was now working so he was a happy child) his bottle and breakfast just in time for boarding.

The flight went miraculously well. Caleb was shockingly good and I was very grateful for all the super nice crew and other passengers who helped me out from time to time. We get to Phoenix, get our bags, pay a very nice man to help us get them to the curb where Adam was picking us up on his lunch break. I get home and discover.... one of the jars of baby food has exploded all over the inside of my diaper bag. This led to profanity and my sweet husband did the initial clean out and I got it finished after he went back to work.

Also my husband did a MILLION times better home alone on this trip than he did last time. Last time he had a bipolar moment and got super depressed and stopped going to work, got sick (which happens when you don't eat or drink) etc. This time he only missed on day of work (travel fatigue plus Emily's cold) and otherwise did fairly well. He did get the litter box clean and he even ran the dish washer a couple times.

BUT the one thing that I had begged him was that I wouldn't need to come home and bust out a shovel. Because I had done lots of hard work before I left to try to prep the house because Caleb's birthday party is this Saturday and I've only got 2 days to get ready now so I tried to do lots before I left.

What I found when I got home is the picture that goes to the dictionary definition of needing to bust out the shovel. I cried. I fed the baby lunch and put him down for a nap. And took one myself going "maybe I'm just too tired and its not really so bad and it will look better when I wake up".

Nope. It was worse. I cried again. Caleb got up. He was initially delighted to be at home and kept getting excited and laughing his butt off at various things. And then he decided to discover the CRABBY and be horrible. So we attempted to dose him with tylenol again. This time with the red goo. He of course took this opportunity to spit it at me and bat it away getting red goo all over me, him, and the sofa. This lead to more tears and profanity.

The husband is in there cleaning the kitchen now b/c his life depends on it....

Really long, really crappy day.

Monday, May 17, 2010

65 Useless Things to Know About Me.

B/c I was in one of those moods. I originally posted this to Facebook where I got it from a friend's page.
Feel free to copy and tag. If I tag you its probably cuz I think you'd enjoy reading this. Its not an obligation to fill it out yourself. ;)  

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair  

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? I don't own a hoodie.... I realize there are people who would harm me for this but when I was younger they would frizz my hair putting them on which I didn't like and now I live in Phoenix and am a hot body so I almost never wear a jacket so I have no need to buy one.  

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Definitely. I think he's pretty cute.  

4. Do you plan outfits? Sometimes. Usually only for big events or if I'm in one of those moods.  

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Tired, little worried. Fighting the desire to watch more DVR when I should go to bed. But should also clean various things first.  

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red? Caleb's new stacking cup toy.  

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I had the most bizarre dream where my husband and I tracked down my seriously freaky bf from high school for reasons I can't remember now and I wound up sitting at a table with my husband on the one side and the ex on the other. AWKWARD.  

8. Did you meet anybody new today? The server at dinner.  

9. What are you craving right now? I want more chocolate. But I've already had plenty. But I WANT IT.  

10. Do you floss? If I've got those cool flosser things handy definitely. Otherwise I get in spurts where I'm real dedicated or I forget for weeks on end. Its bad I know. At home we make sure to keep the flossers handy.  

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Stir fried cabbage and sausage. Yummy.  

12. Are you emotional? Extremely. I think I've given up all delusion of ever being otherwise and actually have decided that for the most part its a good thing and I work hard not to do things to deaden my sensitivity.  

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? I can't swear to it. But I've been bored enough before as a kid I just might have. I don't recall what the highest number is for sure though.  

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I use lips and tongue but not teeth. That hurts.  

15. Do you like your hair? Most of the time I do. Sometimes I flat out love it. Sometimes I think I'm going to shave my head.  

16. Do you like yourself? Yes. Thats a big achievement b/c it wasn't always that way.  

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Sure. I like to eat w/ interesting people, even if we don't agree they're bound to make me think.  

18. What are you listening to right now? The rain.  

19. Are your parents strict? On the important things. I think they were pretty good at picking their battles.  

20. Would you go sky diving? For fun? No, b/c I've yet to come up with a good excuse in the event of my accidental death resulting there from that I could give to God why risking my life for a thrill was a fair trade. (I know death is extremely rare but with my luck it would happen to me).  

21. Do you like cottage cheese? Sure.  

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? A couple of 'em.  

23. Do you rent movies often? Netflix is my friend.  

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? My wedding ring for sure.  

25. How many countries have you visited? 3  

26. Have you made a prank phone call? Does leaving a message of me screaming while my friend laughed hysterically while she was giving me a bikini wax on the voicemail of a mutual friend count?  

27. Ever been on a train? Yup. I liked it. I'm glad we're finally catching on to the grooviness here in the US. But I think we should build REAL bullet trains. Not whimpy wanna bes.  

28. Brown or white eggs? I don't give a frick. My grandparents had chickens when I was little and I've eaten every color egg they come in. Doesn't make a lick of difference.  

29.Do you have a cell-phone? Oooh yes.  

30. Do you use chap stick? I'm an addict yes.  

31. Do you own a gun? I need to. Bothers me that I don't have one handy when I want it. I grew up with them every where because Dad used to be a cop and I'm an excellent shot so its something I am comfortable with and feel more secure having around.  

32. Can you use chop sticks? Yes. But I'm lazy so I like my american shove (aka fork).  

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? My Family.  

34. Are you too forgiving? I have been in the past. Now.... I think I'm a bit better.  

35. Ever been in love? Still am.  

36. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? He'll be at work.  

37. Ever have cream puffs? Oh yeah. Tasty.  

38. Last time you cried? I laughed so hard I cried on Sunday. Does that count?  

39. What was the last question you asked? I asked my Hubby if his cell phone was plugged in to charge with the ringer turned on.  

40. Favorite time of the year? Spring. I love the flowers.  

41. Do you have any tattoos? No thank you. I'm yet to see anything so pretty I was willing to be stabbed with needles thousands of times to make it a part of my body that would eventually fade, blur and look like crap.  

42. Are you sarcastic? No. Never. Definitely not.  

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? The movie? No.  

44. Ever walked into a wall? Can't remember for sure just now but it sounds like something I would do.  

45. Favorite color? Aqua or Cobalt Blue and Royal Purple  

46. Have you ever slapped someone? :D Oh yeah.  

47. Is your hair curly? Yes! Don't ask me when it decided to grow curly b/c it used to be stick straight but holy frick if it ain't curly now!  

48. What was the last CD you bought? I think it was a Rascal Flatts CD I got at a used book store... I don't often buy CDs. Thats why God made iTunes.  

49. Do looks matter? Yes and No. In the eternal scheme of things? Not one bit. But I do think taking care of yourself and practicing good hygiene and grooming is important and can definitely help make a positive first impression.  

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Depends on how you define "forgive". In the religious "I need to forgive everybody so God will forgive me" sense, and so I don't have to carry the weight of that anger? Hopefully yes. Take him back? Probably not.  

51. Is your phone bill sky high? Nope.  

52. Do you like your life right now? Most of the time yes. I have the cutest baby boy ever and a husband I love so much I can't see straight. :)  

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No. I can't sleep through talking.  

54. Can you handle the truth? Yes. Even if I don't really want to.  

55. Do you have good vision? Up close (like 2-3 inches) I have EXCELLENT, better than normal vision. Further than that? Blinder than a bat.  

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people I don't think I really hate anybody. But I think I can probably summon up an intense distaste for a few people yes.  

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Pretty regular. I'm a chatty person.  

58. The last person you held hands with? My Momma. :)  

59. What are you wearing? Capris and a t-shirt.  

60. What is your favorite animal? Thats an extremely difficult question b/c I LOVE animals. I think I'm gonna go generic and say Dogs and Cats.  

61. Where was your Profile picture taken at? Rice University (on facebook that is).  

62. Can you hula hoop? Kinda sorta. I was never very good at it.  

63. Do you have a job? I am a Mom.  

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? Some jewelry with a gift card my Mom gave me for Mother's Day.  

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yup. A couple times.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Worried Part 2

I was totally okay with taking this trip until this weekend. When we were planning it I asked my husband, deadly serious if he was okay and he thought about it for a bit and promised me that yes he would be okay and then this weekend he decided to act like a lonely lost puppy and all sad and depressed and pathetic and he has officially freaked me the heck out. I am exhausted but I'm scared which apparently means I shouldn't sleep because I'm 'tarded that way.

I was totally cool until this weekend and now I'm freaked and I wanna go beat him over the head for making me worry after he promised he would be okay.


So tonight I'm worried. Tomorrow I do the last of the laundry and pack my bags, and the next day.... Caleb and I get on a plane and fly out to Houston. One week later Adam will join us for the weekend and then 3 days after he gets back, Caleb and I will fly back. So really Adam will only be here alone for 10 days-ish. But I'm scared. The last time Adam was alone he got really depressed, didn't eat, didn't sleep and shockingly enough got sick and I got to have the long distance panic attack of my life when he went a day and a half with out answering any of my calls and his work called me looking for him because he hadn't shown up in 2 days. I then got to spend hours on the phone trying to get a hold of somebody who could go over to my house and find out if my husband was dead or alive.

Needless to say I will f-ing kill him if he does that again. And yes he's in a much better place this time than he was last time, but it still scares me. I just wish I could see the future and know that it would be okay. And its too late to get a landline phone set up and I just realized we only have one functional phone charger and two phones.... frick. Okay will need to fix that manana, which is stupid to do b/c I want a new phone in a couple months I just need to find out if I can get the iPhone on Sprint later this summer or not BUT I gotta have my phone so there we go.

So i'm up late... worrying...

On the upside I've been more productive lately  cleaning and doing stuff....

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Part of My Problem

So we've been over analyzing (b/c thats what we do) my sleep problem. Because basically I can be really super ultra tired but if I lay down I just start freaking out. And I think a big part of that is I'm having mojo problems during daylight hours (reasons behind this are still a matter of debate) and I have a royal fricking ton of stuff todo and I don't do it b/c I'm lazy or something. So then it gets to be bed time and I'm tired and I lay down and then I start freaking about all the things I didn't get done that I was supposed to get done and resolving to do better tomorrow (which we say every single night and don't actually do) or actually getting my butt back out of bed to go do the things I've procrastinated doing all day thereby assuaging my guilt enough that I can finally go to sleep. And yes I've tried being logical with myself and discussing how I'm not going to have any energy to do jack tomorrow because I've stayed up all night AGAIn and I'm going to wind up right back where I am but it doesn't help.

The only way I was able to get to bed at a reasonable hour earlier this week was because I was A. Exhausted and B. I laid there and focused on my yoga meditation/breathing (part of which is clearing your mind and focusing on relaxing your muscles) for however the frick long it was until I finally passed out. And let me tell you meditating that long was no mean feat.

I also had the realization earlier today while talking with my husband that I am SOOOO my mother. My mom gets TWITCHY when the house gets dirty/cluttered. My sister and I used to jump in and clean it top to bottom with out necessarily being told to do this (as teenagers no less) because it was a survival tactic! If the house got dirty Momma was NO FUN to be around so it was just a much better/smarter option to fix the problem before her twitchiness got turned on YOU.

Well, um, I'm apparently the same way. My husband said I was mostly okay when I was pregnant as long as the house was clean. But if the house started getting dirty he'd rather face Godzilla on PMS than deal with me (I'm paraphrasing). And even now I really do start having some serious issues when the house is dirty and if the house is clean I just feel SO much better about life.

Now you could have a chicken and egg conversation about - am I doing better b/c the house is clean or is the house clean because I'm doing better (or reverse that to is the house dirty b/c I'm doing worse)? I think its probably a bit of both and the dirty house feeds the not-doing-well-ness.

But either way the point is that the house tends to be an excellent barometer of my mental health and by that standard I'm improving but things were pretty hairy for a bit there. I don't know exactly why for all of it. I mean I can name a few reasons my stress shot through the roof but ... either way I've got the mountains again. I almost had it beat and now its back. I hate the crap avalanche. I was so close to having it conquered and I failed. Big time.

I've started making some small progress. The kitchen has been mostly under control this week. I even cooked dinner one night. I did SOME small amounts of actual physical exercise and I got the floors clean (in the living room and kitchen anyways). I've even got the sink and shower in the bathroom cleaned.

But really there needs to be some SERIOUS deep cleaning. I need to wash my walls in a couple places. the whole house needs to be mopped and vacuumed. The cabinets in the kitchen and the refrigerator doors need to be cleaned. I seriously need to de-crap the living room and dining room. And FINALLY need to conquer the stupid office. *sigh* I REALLY, really need to go through the mail, organize the files, paperwork and finances. BADLY. And preferably before they shut our water off or something b/c I lost the bill in my mountain of mail.

And I'm a crappy friend. I have at least 3 people I think about regularly and think how I need to and want to call them. And I don't because there's always something. Its too late or too early or I'm busy.