Sunday, September 30, 2012

Random Hopefulness and a little Gritching

My brain is running in so many different directions right now I'm not even sure where to start.

In some ways things are looking good. I mean GOOD. Like haven't looked this positive and like I'm standing on the cusp of supreme awesomeness in I'm not sure how long. I've got a lot of hope right now and it feels so good.

But on the other hand I'm really, intensely annoyed b/c this week I fell at the park while I was there with my son and I rolled my left ankle. Prior to Thursday that ankle was known as "The Good Ankle" b/c I rolled the other one ("The Bad Ankle") while I was in college, and b/c I was stupid and Macho I walked on the dang thing for a whole day until I wimped out and went to a doctor and caused all sorts of extra damage that way and it took FOREVER to heal.

So on the one hand, I'm grateful I learned from this because I have treated this injury properly from the first moment and I'm delighted to say that I amazed and how much better this one is doing than my other one did at the same number of days post injury. I can already weight bear on it for short periods with out wanting to scream. It took me over a week to be able to do that with the Bad one. The bruising is wayyyyy more spectacular on this one. But I think thats because I wrapped it right away so there was less swelling for the bruising to get through to get to the surface and be visible, and the other one, by the time the bruising got thru all that swelling it had healed....

But point is that I'm annoyed b/c its dissing my yoga and my work out routine. And I didn't realize how much I'd come to depend on that routine in such a short period of time. I mean really. Because of that routine I was feeling very zen and doing GREAT with my eating. I was tracking like 95% of the time. It was awesome.

And now I'm not working out (even missed some before I hurt my ankle b/c of trip prep and then travel and then trip recovery time) and now I am desperately craving baked goods. And so I'm trying journaling as a method of stress reduction that doesn't result in me breaking out in fat, hence this blog post.

I'm hopeful because the Hub is FINALLY making progress. He has a Serious video game habit. I've seen this card before on the web:

And half the women are going "EXACTLY!" and the other half are going "Sounds AWESOME TO ME!!" b/c they're gamer chicks. And well I have this to say to the gamer chicks: Yeah it sounds great until you're doing married single parenting or trying to run an entire household SOLO or having to keep the kitchen clean alllllllll by yourself even tho there are 3 people generating dirty dishes because you're the only one who can tear themselves away from a game long enough to give two shits that the dishes are dirty and going to kill you all in your beds b/c they've been left so long they've developed a malignant sentient intelligence.

And I was tired of his video game habit about .... 5 minutes after we got married. Well, more like with in a few months I discovered that it was a Problem and not just a minor annoyance. (I don't handle being ignored well). 

And there have been efforts in the past to "cut back". He stopped with the console gaming and gave up his WOW subscription. But the PC gaming stayed. And the ever present iPod Touch that was never further than arms length. But at least those were easier to crow bar him away from - I have an extremely limited tolerance for something that requires 30 minutes of work to get to a "Save" point. Children don't care if you've saved. They need you NOW. So those concessions were made - stick to games that were easier to break way from, but the games stayed. 

And the time stayed. Massive amounts of time. Even working full time, Massive Amounts Of Time. 

But long story short, its finally starting to cost him. Its cost me for years, but it didn't cost him anything (or he wouldn't admit that it did anyways) so he didn't change it. But his stress related illnesses have piled up to a point that require a serious change in behavior, and in order to create time for stress reducing habits the video game addiction has to be cut back. Because while the video game addiction might seem to reduce stress (it lets you go to your Nothing Box) it doesn't actually accomplish anything, and when you come back up the stress is still there only now its worse b/c you've procrastinated so now you need more video games to continue avoiding the problem. 

Its just like my stress eating (I get stressed so I eat, which makes me fatter, so I get more stressed, so I eat more) only different. 

Maybe its something about turning 30. All of the sudden the crap you got away with at 20 starts turning on you and you have to deal with your problems or die. 

And he is. And he's making AMAZING progress and its just so delightful. It really is. I'm almost afraid to relax and get used to it for fear it turn out to be a dream and get taken away. 

And so I'm excited and hopeful for REAL change. 

And the jewelry thing feels like its on the cusp of making REAL progress. The enameled leaves are turning out beautifully and I think they will sell well. And I have a batch of them all prepped and ready for enameling as soon as I can hobble over to the table and keep my leg down for long enough to do that with out paying for it later (keeping it ELEVATED helps). And I made some contacts at the Vintaj workshop that I'm really, really excited about. 

And I'm also feeling inspired that there are several other things I need to do after I get those things moving and I just wanna jump on it and do everything all at once and be wonder woman. But this stupid body is getting really obnoxious. I can't push it like I used to. I have to respect its limits and go for the slow and steady pace bit. Even if I don't want to. And this injury really isn't helping anything. But seriously if I do push it, I pay for it after. I get a migraine that wipes me out for a whole day. I have to keep the stress with in set limits or I accomplish NOTHING. Its SO annoying. 

Its like "You can go 35 mph all day every day for a whole week or you can do 90 mph for one day and then break down and sit on the side of the road for a day and a half after, your choice". And so even though 35 feels so abominably slow compared to what I want to do - b/c the mind is sparking and jumping and dancing around, the body just plods along and threatens to blow a gasket if you stress it out at all. 

If this is aging - it SUCKS. I'm not old enough for this crap. 

But I can see what it will be when it all comes together. When I FINALLY make REAL progress on all of my plots and plans and it will be AMAZING and awesome and full of the Win. And so I plod along. And hope that my stupid ankle heals sooner rather than later. I can already stand on it. Next I need to be able to bend it in all directions with out pain, once I can manage that I add some resistance, then more resistance, then finally toe raises etc. I'm gonna do my own PT this time. I've done this before with the other one and the doc went over all of it with me so I think I should be able to manage it. If I do everything I can and I still have a problem then we'll go to the professionals but if I can save money and be my own torture chamber concierge then we'll go with it. One step at a time. 

And in the mean time I'm gonna make lots, and lots, and lots of lists..... 

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