Thursday, April 18, 2013

This Pregnancy is Kicking my Butt

Fair warning I'm going to whine here but I need to get it out so don't mind me while I'm purging and just carry on with your lives.

So I'm 22 weeks along now and just yesterday was commenting on how glad I was that I was starting to finally feel mostly human. Ha... hahah.... ha.

Which is of course why I woke up this morning with a migraine after not being able to sleep for most of last night. And of course the meds I can take while pregnant for this migraine cost wayyyy too much money to not work at all. Oh so annoying.

And I just feel like such a wimp b/c at first I was like "Oh I just have to make it to 12 weeks and then I'll feel better". And then 12 weeks came and went and nope I didn't feel better. In fact I felt so much worse I finally had to wimp out and go on anti-nausea meds. (For the record: Caleb made me this sick. He just didn't make me this sick for this LONG).

So then I told myself if I could just hold on until 16 weeks, surely I would feel better then. And at 16 weeks I developed a heart arrhythmia that sent me to the ER and then to a cardiologist. Thankfully its one of the ones thats more annoying than dangerous but if I get dehydrated and it happens I could pass out. If you thought I was diligent about my water drinking before, you haven't seen me since the doc dropped that one on me!

So they put me on meds for the heart thing after putting me on one of those 24 hour heart monitors (anyone who ever has to put up with one of those has my deepest sympathies. It is NOT pleasant for those of us with sensitive skin. That tape was EVIL). And after a few weeks on meds I did in fact start to feel better, which was lovely.

So now that we've passed the 20 week mark, which was of course my next magic line, that once crossed would leave me feeling just peachy, which is proof that my mental faculties have been diminished by this pregnancy b/c otherwise I would have learned my lesson after the first 2 times and laughed at myself for daring to think I'd ever REALLY feel better this time around - now.... now I'm having migraines.

They'd been doing much better, until the last few weeks. And now I'm having migraines that last for days and days and the meds I can take do NOTHING for them. Mercifully they're not the worst head aches I've ever had, but its just so harsh that once you've slept as much as you can, so you can't sleep at all anymore, then you get BORED. And the pain isn't TOO bad as long as you stay laying down, perfectly still in a darkened room and avoid light and noise. But then you wish you could die of boredom so you get the lights as low as you can on your phone and reread novels off your kindle until the pain from the light is worse from the boredom and then you turn it off and wait for the pain to die back down and sit there and hate the whole world. And then I miss my son b/c of course being stuck in here in the dark I'm not out there playing with him and reading stories and getting cuddles.

And even on good days I wish I had more energy. Desperately so. B/c after being so wretchedly sick for 4 months my poor house and yard are in desperate need of attention and Adam is finally starting to do better (he's been sick w/ various issues as well) but domestic stuff isn't his strong suit and the yard especially needs to be unburied before we get fined by the city for the stupid weeds in the front yard.

And so normally the best way for me to get more energy is to work out right? But right now no matter how careful I am not to over do it (b/c "pregnancy is not the time to start a strenuous new work out routine"), instead of energizing me like it usually does, it completely wipes me out the next day, and possibly the day after that as well. My Mom tells me not to push it. She says my body and especially my heart are over taxed as it is "So be careful and rest if your body says to rest!"

But thats just so farking frustrating. And I'm trying so hard not to compare myself to all the other pregnant women I know. B/c you shouldn't compare your biggest weaknesses to their biggest strengths and I know that. But seriously?? I know women that have more kids than me, still keep a spotless house, go to work and/or school full time and cook and clean and all of that while pregnant and my poor family has been living on sandwiches and fast food for months because I'm too sick to cook at all. And I just feel like a complete failure.

I mean I know women who are pregnant that have it so much worse than me. I'm not in the hospital. I didn't get so sick I had to have IV meds, I was able to control my puking with just the regular pill. I'm not on bed rest and thus far every test has come back clear and all the indicators say I have a healthy baby girl *knock on wood*. And let me tell you this child is crazy energetic. I can't believe something that only weighs a pound can kick that hard already (mercifully it doesn't hurt yet). I never even have to do kick counts b/c at her most mellow she still kicks me once or twice in a 5 minute period and the rest of the time you'd swear she was doing Zumba or some other enthusiastic Latin dance craze. I am so lucky and blessed that way.

Its just hard to feel like a failure. And I hate to ask for help b/c I know other people are so busy and I keep feeling like maybe if I could just push a little harder I could do this. And I'm not sure how much they could do anyways b/c so much is sorting and crap that I really need to do.

So the good news is that I have a follow up with my neurologist for the migraines in 2 weeks anyways so I'm going to call and beg him to do the nerve block injections then b/c thats safer for the baby than any meds they could give me that would work better for the head aches.

And in the mean time just ignore me. Its a bad day and my head hurts and I just feel like a complete failure and I miss my Mommy terribly right now and I just needed to whine. But I can't even call anybody b/c talking on the phone would hurt my head. Hows that for harsh?

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