Sunday, April 8, 2012

Lessons I Still Need To Learn

I have issues advocating for myself. I mean, I'm a million percent better than I used to be and yet I still suck at it. And its weird because I have zero issues advocating for other people. I'm smart, I'm focused, I'm clear headed but when it comes to myself I am permanently that nerdy kid I was in school that stands there slack jawed in the face of the bully's attack and only comes up with the perfect retort hours later.

Or rather now I can stand up for myself but only when it doesn't really matter. I can smart off a retort w/ the best of them, but when its something important or really personal I still choke.

And I hate it and it makes me crazy and while I've made great progress I still have miles to go. And its so infuriating b/c mentally I know better. I know I don't deserve xyz, I know its wrong, I know I have a right to stand up for myself. If anybody tried this w/ somebody I cared about I'd take them off at the knees and not think twice about it. But when its me I'm just like, "durrrrrr...."

Really, really vexing and I'm not really sure how to get over it. B/c its not like it happens as much anymore now that I'm an adult so I don't exactly have a lot of opportunities for practice and also its uncomfortable so therefore I avoid it if at all possible, even if I don't admit to myself thats what I'm doing... So vexing.

Also I'm trying to find the balance between being positive with myself and being honest/realistic. B/c I've learned the hard way that negative self talk is bad. I mean really, really bad. I'd read for years in psych texts etc that its a bad thing but well I always blew that off and figured it didn't really make that big a difference. And believe you me - I was so good at negative self talk my mother once told me when I screwed something up, "I don't even have to yell at you b/c I know nothing I can say will compare to what you say to yourself".

But my sweet husband really changed all that. Anytime he'd hear me say something negative about myself he'd say, "Hey! Nobody talks smack about my wife!!" and I'd laugh and try not to do it. And after a couple years of that the difference is just amazing. I mean, I really can't understate what a positive thing this has been for my self esteem and my self image. I actually like what I see when I look in the mirror now. That act used to reduce me to tears. No, I don't look perfect, and I've got things I'd like to fix but I can see the good things for what they are now - as good things. The bad is in its proper perspective.

And yet... I have things I need to work on. My house is a permanent pit of filth. I have a whole stack of projects in a permanent state of "not done yet". I have things I have told people that I would get done that are not getting done. And I hate that. And so I need to figure out whats up and how to fix it etc. But my gut reaction is to berate myself. I want to say horrible things. And I'm not sure how to see a realistic view of whats going on b/c what I want to say is that I'm clearly a disgustingly lazy person who spends too damn much time on the internet.

And while there may well be more than a grain of truth there I also don't want to say that to myself. Or at least I want to make sure thats not the only thing going on. I want to also give myself some credit and point out that I potty trained my kid this week. So I didn't get my dining room remodel done, or a million other things but by golly my kid can poop in the potty now and for me in my life, thats huge.

But excuses are like butt holes - everybody has them and they all stink and I've got excuses for why my house is a mess but other people have wayyyyy crazier lives than mine (my sister for example) and she maintains a beautifully organized, practically spotless house. And I just think that it has to be possible. Other people do it all the time. If I could just get it done then I could maintain it and that would be easier and it would free me up for x, y and z. And yet I just don't know what my issue is that this is my goliath....

So how to honestly evaluate a situation, give myself credit, but not make excuses, be honest but not cruel to myself... I'll let you know when I figure it out.

No comments:

Post a Comment