5 more days until Purées

Just 5 more days of this hell, y’all. Purées includes beautiful things like hummus and even soft scrambled eggs. You have no idea how exciting that is. I’m having to force myself to eat right now bc I am so tired of protein supplements at this point I would rather just go hungry.

In other news as of Tuesday, in the 3 weeks since I started the Pre Op Diet I have lost:

 1" off my hips

 1.75" off my waist

1.25" off my thigh

2.5" off my upper stomach

.75" off my chest

1.5" off my arm

.75" off my calf

That upper stomach and arm loss is nothing short of amazing bc that is the two most stubborn fat spots on my body and I swear they never move, so that I’ve lost the most there is incredible and wonderful. 

I want to tell you my pain is better but I would be lying. My incisions are healing beautifully and starting to itch obnoxiously which is a good sign in terms of healing but annoying. 

I cannot overstate my gratitude for some of the sisters from my church. Today one came and not only took my big kids to school for me, she took my beautiful baby that I cannot lift to put in her crib to her house to play all day so I could just rest. And then a second sister came over while the kids were gone and did the dishes, vacuumed, picked up and did a whole load of laundry and even folded and put it away. The company was lovely and the help was simply amazing. I am so blessed and I feel so loved. 

But for real, y’all, gaze upon the gloriousness that awaits my tastebuds next week: 

One Week Post Op

I don’t have time for the full post I had wanted and planned for today. My Grandfather entered hospice this morning and the conflicting grief and relief (I have desperately hated watching him suffer) are frequently overwhelming. 

I’m still alive. My pain levels are still much higher than I anticipated but they are improving. Current plan Bc I’m almost out of pain meds (they refilled me.... with a very tiny refill....) is to only take them at night so I can get to sleep. 

Right now I desperately hate my diet. I hate alternative protein. I would kill to just eat meat and eggs like God intended. Hell I would delight in beans and legumes. I like beans and legumes. Hell if I could marinate and grill it I would eat tofu right now. I just want something that TASTES RIGHT. I’m so desperate on more than one occasion I’ve taken a tiny to small bite of something, chewed it to bits and then spit it out in the trash can just so I can have a taste of something that doesn’t suck. 

I have also reaffirmed my hatred of “sugar free” products. They taste weird to out and out bad. Once in a great while you can find something (Diet Coke being the glaring exception to this rule) that doesn’t suck but generally my policy is I would rather have a far smaller serving of real sugar and stick to dark chocolate (less sugar!) than have all I want of the fake sugar crap. I’m definitely losing tolerance for things that taste nasty and would rather just starve than eat that crap. But I have to heal so I’m making myself choke down the bare minimums. 

I can no longer join my family at meal times where there’s something I desperately want on the menu. I used to just sip broth or whatever but I can’t eat w them bc I can’t explain to my 5 year old why I’m crying over her pizza. 

This is temporary. This too shall pass. But damn and wow it’s passing like a kidney stone. 

In good news my incision sites are healing very well. They told me 3-5 holes and he did it in 3. My surgeon is an artist. The biggest incision he put perfectly inline with the lines in my belly button so when it heals you won’t even be able to see it. The nausea is gone. The heartburn is gone. And the abdominal pain is improving. Slowly but it is. 

And in better news - it’s working. I measured tonight. I’ll give the full thing tomorrow but usually it takes me months to lose inches. 3 weeks and I have one or more inches gone in every single location I measure. 

This hell sucks. But it’s temporary and unlike every other crash diet on the planet I actually have extremely good odds of this not coming back. Ever. So keep going. The only way out is through. 

Oh and the other fun bonus- for 10 more days I get to keep stabbing myself with one of these every night. It’s a blood thinner to keep me from clotting while I heal. You’d think they were being ultra cautious bc they’re dealing with fluffy people or something. 

Kinda fun- after I give the shot, I push the plunger one more time and this like extra layer to the barrel you couldn’t even tell was there pops out to cover the needle so it’s safe to throw away! Spiffy!

 

Post Op: Day 4

Today it feels like I’m finally making some progress. I only had to take my anti nausea meds first thing this morning and then I didn’t touch them again for the rest of the day which is amazing. I am still incredibly dependent on my pain meds. But I spent like 10 consecutive hours sitting up on the sofa, obviously interspersed with walking around and eating or what have you. But yesterday sitting up for 2 straight hours was brutal, and I had to go lie down afterwards. I’m not saying it felt good or was super fun today but I did it. And I folded 4 baskets of laundry (that were brought to me) while I was at it so I almost felt like a productive and contributing citizen once again.

We will see how I feel tomorrow about everything I did today. I’ve had to be very dedicated to my pain meds. The “every 4-6 hours” has been like “oh thank god just 10 more mins and I can have more”. It’s just Tylenol 3 but it’s my friend.

I also made some progress on increasing my caloric intake up closer to what it’s supposed to be. This afternoons experiment involved adding some of the Unjury Unflavored Protein Powder to some tomato soup to see if I could sneak some extra protein in there..... the results were.... mixed.

1. Unflavored does not mean flavorless, it’s odd and hard to describe but my original plan was add 1 scoop of protein (worth like 20g) to my 4oz serving of tomato soup. That’s where we ran into problem:

2. That is one big butt scoop! Like wowza that’s a lot of powder! Geez! I don’t have small hands people.

It was like almost 50/50 soup and powder and the powder initially lumped up and wouldn’t mix smooth no matter how much I whisked it (and yes I checked the temperature was well below the 140 mark the instructions are emphatic I must stay below), and with that off flavor I was not sure I was going to manage to get that down. But I added another 1/4 cup of soup and then went to town w the seasonings making my classic Campbell’s tomato into a tomato basil bisque type experience. It mostly hid the flavor in the end. I at least managed to eat it. 

You might be able to hide a whole scoop in the entire can of condensed plus can of milk maybe but if I try that again I’ll defin cut the powder way, way back and go from there. 

Post Op: Day 3

I feel like I was beautifully prepared for the sleeve portion of my surgery and completely unprepared for the hernia repair. Also the first couple days I had this lovely little On-Q pain ball thing - basically it’s full of local anesthetic and had a couple little catheters going into my guts numbing things continously for the first couple days post op. Well my lovely ball ran dry and the catheters had to be removed (amazingly that part didn’t hurt at all) but now I definitely have more deep gut pain than I did before. So yay it worked, boo it’s all gone. Lol

My nausea is less today for which I’m grateful. Let me introduce you to the bane of my existence at the moment:

You see that wee little medicine cup there? 30ml or approx 1 oz. I drink one of those every 15 mins when I’m awake to stay hydrated. I really miss just being able to chug my ice water with a straw, thankyouverymuch. But nope. That’s it. And I’m not allowed to drink water like 30 mins before or after a meal. So when I tried some protein powder “chicken soup” mix thing today, I couldn’t rinse that taste out of my mouth between spoonfuls. Ugh. When I ate all I could stand (about 3 out of 8 oz) I actually went and rinsed my mouth out with water and spat in the sink just for some relief. 

It’s going to be an interesting couple weeks working my way up to the recommended intake for this stage of the diet. I’ll heal faster and better with more protein in my diet which is about my only motivation right now. Never thought I’d want to keep just sipping water but I’m kinda scared of food right now. I hate the sipping but the pain is such that I’m scared to do anything more than sip bc it will hurt. Badly. 

Tho I almost cried tonight when the rest of my family had pizza and I made the mistake of coming out of my room just in time to get hit with the smell and see that amazing melted cheese and it was only the promise that one bite would send me back to the hospital right now that kept me from “just a taste”. 

This cute little goober likes to sneak away from Papa and Grandma and come visit Mommy in her bed. I mostly curl into the fetal position to protect my tummy from her climbing but she’s learned she can climb my head and shoulders without too much protest (I couldn’t lift to get her off of my right now if I wanted to) so tonight she wrapped herself around my head and sang for a bit: 

Post Op - 2 Days Later

Note: I’m still on drugs so there’s little to no proof reading atm. Sorry. 

Hey y’all! Sorry I haven’t posted sooner/more. I’m okay just kinda got my butt kicked. Apparently most people with the sleeve are home the next day and need very little pain meds. But I also had a hiatus hernia repair done while they were in there. What’s that you say? Well we found it when we did the pre op scope to see if there were any surprises. Ya know how your esophagus passes through your diaphragm (that big muscle that moves up and down to make you breathe)? It’s supposed to be a pretty small passage way. Well apparently having babies really did make me puke my guts up bc mine was “really, just extremely large” and they were emphatic that it had to be surgically fixed and soon even if I decided against the sleeve I would still have to have surgery to fix that. And if you google a sleeve is supposed to take just 90 mins to perform but a hiatus hernia repair is more like 2-3 hours and apparently most people stay in the hospital more like 3 days after that one. 

So Bc of the hernia repair I’ve had significantly more pain than I was anticipating. It’s not like my poor diaphragm ever gets a break from the constant labor of making me breathe so it hasn’t been super pleased with me. And it frequently hurts to swallow like down in my chest where the hernia repair is, it’s like no I do not want to stretch and allow this sip of water through. I’m still mad at you. 

Nausea isn’t too terrible today. Had to work pretty dang hard that first day to keep from puking and tearing up my freshly repaired hernia. But I tell you the threat of having to have this fixed, again has worked wonders for my ability to breathe through the nausea. 

So I’m home where sleeping through the night with out being woken every other hour to check vitals and draw blood or whatever the hell they want to do me now all night long is just lovely. My biggest problem is my adorable 21 month old who doesn’t understand why I’m not picking her up or why I won’t let her bounce, climb or sit on my belly. Good news is she decided to love me and find me acceptable anyways. 

I’m hoping that if I continue to be good and play nice my body will forgive me soon. Right now it’s been clear liquids yesterday and today. I’m drinking from a little 30ml medicine up. Supposed to drink one of those every 15 mins when I’m awake. And it takes some doing to keep all that down so I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to manage thick liquids starting tomorrow. Think I’m going to have to work my way up to it for sure.  

Pre Op Liquid Diet: Day 14

I did it. 14 days of protein shakes and no real food. I survived. I kicked it’s butt. Mostly. I am incredibly grateful that that part is over. LOL

Tomorrow is The Day!!! I’m almost all prepped and ready. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep tonight but the odds aren’t great. Lol Either way I’ll definitely sleep tomorrow! The drugs’ll make sure of that. If I can, I’ll post. If I’m too drugged, I won’t!

See ya on the flip side, y’all!

If you wanna know what exhausted, hopeful determination looks like, this is it:

Pre Op Liquid Diet: Day 13

I’m at the point in my pre op prep where my quality of life is being significantly impaired. And it’s not just that I had to stare down my entire family eating delicious hot, fresh garlic bread (the rest of the big Sunday dinner looked great too but I woulda killed for that garlic bread tonight), it’s not the 5 millionth shake (which btw do not contain nearly enough fiber). No, right now its the fact I’m not allowed to have Advil or Melatonin the week before surgery and there is definitely a reason why I take those pills.

One of the “upsides” to rapidly regaining weight after having my 2nd kid (I’m the only pregnant woman I know who has to work to not lose weight the entire pregnancy) due to extenuating circumstances is that it makes the ways it impacts your life really obvious. And the first and biggest thing that being extra fluffy does is make everything hurt. Your back, hips, knees and ankles are Not Happy. And I usually buy their forgiveness on the bad days with Advil so that I can sleep. I cannot do this right now. Bc NSAIDs increase bleeding during surgery. And not having them stinks. A lot. And bc melatonin is on the list of natural supplements that you have to stop pre op as well bc they can interact with drugs in the OR, I can’t even try just knocking myself out and sleeping through the pain. Which is to say I want a medal for getting me and 3 kids to church this morning on about 2.5 hours of sleep.

Whine whine moan whine carry on. Yes I would like cheese to go with my whine and okay I’m done.

JUST ONE MORE DAY, Y’ALL!!! One more!! We can do one!

I’m not excited about the pain of surgery but I am so excited to finally get this done. It almost doesn’t feel real that the day is almost really here but I’m amazingly ecstatic about it! Lol

On Congressmen, Religious Beliefs and Priorities Of

I need to express my thoughts. I’ve seen a number of posts now on FB by people freaking out that some individuals were sworn into Congress using the Quran instead of the Bible (side note: one was sworn in on a law book which amused me to no small end) and the question that really set me off the most, I think, was one asking, “Do you really believe they have America’s best interest at heart?”

And I’m going to refrain from sharing my initial reply as it was both profane and inflammatory which is not conducive to the rest of my thoughts and start with: Yes. Because them saying they are Muslim no more makes them evil than you saying you’re Christian makes you Christlike. Lest we ever forget that both the KKK and Westboro Baptist both claim to be Christian organizations. But they are generally considered extremists and “not real Christians” by mainstream Christianity. Well, guess what? That’s how ISIS and the Taliban are viewed by most Muslims!

I feel for the Muslims when yet another news report about the extremists hits the TV like I feel for me when one of the “Mormon Separatists” groups hits the news. It’s this *facepalm and cringe*, “No, we are not related or remotely like those crazy psychos. So please, don’t lump us together”.

It reminds me of when JFK was elected and there were people freaking out because he was Catholic *Gasp & clutch pearls!* So clearly he was secretly an agent of the Vatican and would take orders from the pope and not put the American people first! Sound familiar?

That was 1960. This is 2019. We have to be better. Learn from it. Don’t repeat it.

One of the core tenents of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as stated in the Articles of Faith (a document written by Joseph Smith for a newspaper article that asked what it was those “Mormons” believed) - Verse 11 states: “We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may”.

I believe this and I will fight for this. For the respect and dignity of those good people in this world who worship whatever higher power they chose, or not as may be the case. Because I have not forgotten that once my people were not allowed this privilege. That once my people had an extermination order issued against them by the state of Missouri. That it was legal and encouraged to hunt down and kill members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because of fear and bigotry. And we begged the President of the United States, Martin Van Buren, for relief and he did nothing. That because of this fear and this bigotry and misinformation, in the dead of winter, my people had to stage a mass exodus and leave their homes and flee a thousand miles across the plains to a desert on the coast of a dead salt lake to find sanctuary. I have not forgotten the thousands whose lives were lost on that trek.

“Farewell Nauvoo” by Glenn Hopkinson

So yes, I can believe that a good person who reads a different book of scripture and worships a different God can have American’s best interest at heart.

Pre Op Liquid Diet: Day 12

I’m on to them, y’all. They claim the pre op liquid diet is to shrink your liver so surgery is faster and easier and you have practice not eating when it comes time that eating a single bite could put you in the hospital. And yeah those are both partially true. The full truth tho is that they’re torturing you with a special hell known as nothing but protein shakes so that when you get a look at the comparatively lax post op liquid diet, it looks so gloriously varied and there’s just so many beautiful options, that it looks simply glorious and I bet their compliance rate goes through the roof. Bc let me tell y’all that the first time I got a look at this list of options*:

There was a whole lot of “please gag me with a spoon”. Now I’m like omg excited about puréed and strained soups which are usually my least favorite kind! Fat free canned cream of whatever soup- something I’ve never eaten straight before! Now I’m excited! Then I was like-  That’s not something you eat straight, that’s an ingredient to a good casserole! Lol 

Also post op they encourage us to make the protein shakes more flavorful. We can’t add fruit but we can purée with ice and add things like powdered peanut butter, sugar free syrups, cocoa powder or pumpkin pie spice! 

And all these things I would have once turned my nose up at now all look and sounds gloriously amazing!! Like I can’t wait to have surgery so I can have all these amazing options!! LOL It’s wrong y’all. This is what 12 days of this diet have done to my mind! 

I went to one of my family’s favorite bbq joints today and didn’t eat a single bite of anything. I kinda want a medal. Lol 

2 more days. Just 2!! We can do this. 10 more shakes! I’m gonna make it! The end is near! But in a good way! Lol 

*please note that’s not the full diet description that’s just 1 screen of 9 from that portion of the nutritionists presentation. 

Pre Op Liquid Diet: Day 10

Only 4 days left on this round of liquid diet!! I am so sick of drinking these shakes that that number is really, very exciting!

Today to try to get my calorie count up where it should be I drank like 2 more shakes. And part of me is like going I should be “Yay Food” but it’s more like “Omg more of this crap?!” I really want more flavors but the issue I’m having right now is I wasn’t desperate enough to try the funky flavors before bc as I’ve mentioned I only drink these things usually a couple times a week and now that I am I can’t find them in the stores. Sams used to have a huge display with like 5-6 different flavors just of the Premiere shakes but they did away with it for the holidays and stripped it back to just chocolate and vanilla. In the last week I’ve searched Sams, Walmart and Costco to no avail. I’ll try Target next it’s just that there’s limits to the toddler’s patience. So far I’ve been avoiding powders bc I hate gritty, chalky more than words can tell but I may get that desperate and very soon.

I really can’t over state how much I don’t really like these things. I mean the “good ones” I still drink using a straw that I put at the back of my mouth and then chug it as fast as possible so I don’t have to really taste it. I am genuinely concerned about post op when I’m supposed to drink these things for 2 weeks but I won’t be allowed to use a straw, so I have to sip it and let it coat my whole tongue. And it’s going to take time bc my stomach will be a 150ml (approx 5oz) pouch and the shakes are more like 11oz. So that’s many sessions of sipping just to get down a single shake. I’m like can I add more protein powder to make it more concentrated so I don’t have to eat as much of this stuff?? I mean sure I could just starve and lose even more but I really do like my organs, muscles and hair etc so I’m not in a big hurry to have my body eat those instead of my fat.

I’m hopeful it will be okay for 2 reasons: 1. Post op lots of people’s tastes buds are different so maybe I won’t care! And 2. I ordered the starter kit from Unjury last night. It’s a medical grade protein my surgeon’s dietician highly recommends and it claims to be the best tasting protein. They have 2 prepared options and then a bunch of powders. Everything from strawberry to chicken soup. And let me tell you the savory options sound amazing. I’m so tired of sweet. So so tired. But so the kit has 2 of everything to taste and then I know what to order more of. Worst case scenario I got to have a bunch of variety which sounds glorious about now and best case, it really is better and I find something that’s actually Good and not just “good”. So *fingerscrossed*, y’all.

Today’s Protein Shake: 
This is another chocolate option. I keep debating whether yesterday’s Premiere option or this one is my favorite chocolate so far and I can’t decide. The biggest difference is that one is 30g of protein and this one is only 20. Either way they sell both in the big cases at Costco and Sams!

UPDATE: Oh and by the way I busted out the tape measure last night and I’m 1.25 inches down off my hips, waist, and upper tummy! (It wasn’t just in my head!) 

Pre Op Liquid Diet: Day 9

Only SIX days left of Liquid Diet Round 1! WHOOP!

Today we dealt with Pre Op Labs. My paperwork says 7-10 days before surgery I have to call the hospital and set up with them to go do my pre op labs. Well Day 10 was a Saturday, and then New Year's happen so today, Day 7 was The Day. So I called first thing this morning and they went "You wanna come in today or tomorrow?" This afternoon was clear so we made the voyage down there. 1 hour and 40 mins to pee in a cup, draw 4 vials of blood (these people have consistently good vampires for which I am grateful), do an EKG and get all my history and meds etc with an EXTREMELY crabby toddler along for the ride (there were fishies in registration and life was good, upstairs there were no fishies and life was not okay, even the phone and M&Ms would not make it okay. Apparently the girl likes her fish). Pro tip that will make your next EKG go nice and fast (as they should be) - make sure the individual leads are firmly plugged into the machine..... Word.

Also I sat down and started going through my mountain of paperwork I have accumulated from the doctor. And apparently I've been starving myself slightly more than necessary. I had it in my head that it was 500-700 calories a day. Apparently its actually 700-900 calories. Whoopsies. Had the rest of it right at least. In good news I haven't felt weak or shaky and no headaches in spite of my under-eating this week.  I'm handling the taste of the shakes a little better today which is nice since I now have to make sure I drink 1-2 more of those a day than I was before. *sigh*

In my defense when I did my Pre Op Consult with the RN at the docs office and we went through that mountain of paperwork AGAIN, she said that if I was drinking the Premier shakes mostly I would mostly need like 3 of them instead of 5. She went so far as to say I could drink a half a one as a snack if I was starving. So I just went with it. I drank 3 shakes a day and if I was hungry I went with one of the 100 calorie alternate brand shakes to get me through to bed time. Having done the math myself just now at 160 calories each I HAVE to drink at least 4.3 of these things a day just to hit 700 so we're just gonna bless her heart on her math skills.

I am not a liquid diet person. I know there are people that drink protein shakes like ALL THE TIME. I am NOT those people. I do keep some in the fridge b/c I'm a single mother of 3 and sometimes when I'm running, I feed the kids and forget to feed me (at least I remembered the children, right??). And all the fast things are sky high in carbs and/or fat. And skipping meals gives me migraines so if I have to grab something and go the shake is the better choice usually. But thats a couple times a week max. Not 4-5 times a day. And I LOVE vegetables. And fruit. I really do. And I miss them so bad right now. Bad.

Surgery is ONE week from today, y'all!

Today’s Shake:
This shake has been my go to in the fridge for the last year shake. It has the most protein of any of the shakes I drink and the flavor is pretty decent. AND I can get it in the jumbo cases for cheap all the time at both Costco and Sam's Club.

Pre Op Liquid Diet: Day 8

I apologize for not posting on Day 7 but it was New Years Eve. Also I was in a rotten mood about my eating. Day 6 I was thinking this diet wasn’t that bad now I had gotten used to it. Day 7 I hate it with a passion and would give all the things to eat some freaking vegetables. I mean pickles have almost no calories. Why can’t I have a damn pickle?!? *sigh*

Bc will power is a muscle that gets stronger when you exercise it and I’d rather exercise it now when screwing up means almost nothing vs sending me back to the hospital post op. Yes I am here to shrink my liver, but I am also here to practice before the big day. It’s sucks but if I had an alternative with an acceptable outcome I would be doing that and not this. So.

Day 8: I watched my family eat one of my all time favorite comfort foods. Onion dip and ruffles potato chips. I never make that unless I have a crowd to feed it to bc it it’s one of those rare foods that just short circuits my brain and I have extreme difficulty making myself eat a reasonable portion size of it. It’s one of the ultimate “just one more bite” foods for me. It was almost painful to not eat any of that. Not a single bite. But I did it. Even when my toddler was doing her best to literally shove food into my mouth, I just fed her and not me. Kid is a helluva food pusher. Lol But she’s 21 months and deep in the “Monkey See Monkey Do” phase and Mommy feeds her all the time so....

Today I had a hard time bc for some reason no matter which flavor I drank the chemical aftertastes of the shakes just seemed overwhelming and I had a hard time making myself consume the minimum calories. Had to remind myself my self control will get short circuited by my biology if I start actually starving myself instead of just severely restricting. Got my 3rd shake of the day down.

Back Story: Part 1
So how do you get to the point where you’re willing to pay someone to mutilate your guts and permanently screw with your digestive system? Well the first time I lost 55lbs I was 16 years old. I did it in like 3.5 months doing the Atkins thing. I even cheated on the weekends. But the weight fell off. Over the next year and a half I gained about 20 of it back. Then I started college, had a ridiculous series of injuries and a few other medical problems that led to me taking steroids for like a year and a half and the end result was all the weight I lost back plus another 25-30 pounds. And that’s basically the story of weight loss life. I have found a dozen ways to lose weight that work well for me. At least for a while. They all become less effective the longer I’m on them as my body ramps up the fight. All told I’ve lost 70 lbs, 60, 50, 40 twice, 30 a couple more times and 10-20 another close to a dozen times. Every single time the end result long term no matter how I fight it or what I do, the second I stop beating it off with a stick, even if I’m careful, it all comes back and it brings friends it met on vacation and I wind up 10-15 lbs heavier than when I started.

I’ve been flat out terrified the last 5 years or so to even try to diet bc I couldn’t afford to get any larger. I was way past the thresholds I had set as my “this far and no further” lines. Then I read this article on Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/fat-officially-incurable-according-to-science/ and I was mad. Then furious. Then depressed. Disbelieving. You name it. But I started reading the source articles. That was really depressing bc they’re annoyingly legitimate. But it started me seriously pondering surgery for the first time.

I’ll write more back story later. It’s past my bedtime. Y’all have a good night.

Update! I forgot today’s shake!
Actually I drank this yesterday. This is the best vanilla shake I’ve found so far: (read:the only one I can drink more than once). And it’s pretty decent. Reminds me of the old Slim Fast Protein Vanilla shakes I drank back in college in the early ‘00s.  It’s pretty tasty but currently hard to find in large containers.