Saturday, May 1, 2010

Part of My Problem

So we've been over analyzing (b/c thats what we do) my sleep problem. Because basically I can be really super ultra tired but if I lay down I just start freaking out. And I think a big part of that is I'm having mojo problems during daylight hours (reasons behind this are still a matter of debate) and I have a royal fricking ton of stuff todo and I don't do it b/c I'm lazy or something. So then it gets to be bed time and I'm tired and I lay down and then I start freaking about all the things I didn't get done that I was supposed to get done and resolving to do better tomorrow (which we say every single night and don't actually do) or actually getting my butt back out of bed to go do the things I've procrastinated doing all day thereby assuaging my guilt enough that I can finally go to sleep. And yes I've tried being logical with myself and discussing how I'm not going to have any energy to do jack tomorrow because I've stayed up all night AGAIn and I'm going to wind up right back where I am but it doesn't help.

The only way I was able to get to bed at a reasonable hour earlier this week was because I was A. Exhausted and B. I laid there and focused on my yoga meditation/breathing (part of which is clearing your mind and focusing on relaxing your muscles) for however the frick long it was until I finally passed out. And let me tell you meditating that long was no mean feat.

I also had the realization earlier today while talking with my husband that I am SOOOO my mother. My mom gets TWITCHY when the house gets dirty/cluttered. My sister and I used to jump in and clean it top to bottom with out necessarily being told to do this (as teenagers no less) because it was a survival tactic! If the house got dirty Momma was NO FUN to be around so it was just a much better/smarter option to fix the problem before her twitchiness got turned on YOU.

Well, um, I'm apparently the same way. My husband said I was mostly okay when I was pregnant as long as the house was clean. But if the house started getting dirty he'd rather face Godzilla on PMS than deal with me (I'm paraphrasing). And even now I really do start having some serious issues when the house is dirty and if the house is clean I just feel SO much better about life.

Now you could have a chicken and egg conversation about - am I doing better b/c the house is clean or is the house clean because I'm doing better (or reverse that to is the house dirty b/c I'm doing worse)? I think its probably a bit of both and the dirty house feeds the not-doing-well-ness.

But either way the point is that the house tends to be an excellent barometer of my mental health and by that standard I'm improving but things were pretty hairy for a bit there. I don't know exactly why for all of it. I mean I can name a few reasons my stress shot through the roof but ... either way I've got the mountains again. I almost had it beat and now its back. I hate the crap avalanche. I was so close to having it conquered and I failed. Big time.

I've started making some small progress. The kitchen has been mostly under control this week. I even cooked dinner one night. I did SOME small amounts of actual physical exercise and I got the floors clean (in the living room and kitchen anyways). I've even got the sink and shower in the bathroom cleaned.

But really there needs to be some SERIOUS deep cleaning. I need to wash my walls in a couple places. the whole house needs to be mopped and vacuumed. The cabinets in the kitchen and the refrigerator doors need to be cleaned. I seriously need to de-crap the living room and dining room. And FINALLY need to conquer the stupid office. *sigh* I REALLY, really need to go through the mail, organize the files, paperwork and finances. BADLY. And preferably before they shut our water off or something b/c I lost the bill in my mountain of mail.

And I'm a crappy friend. I have at least 3 people I think about regularly and think how I need to and want to call them. And I don't because there's always something. Its too late or too early or I'm busy.

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