Shadows

Do you ever wonder if something might be wrong with you.... I was a psych major and like to think myself remarkably intuitive when it comes to other people and I know I'm a million light years better at self awareness than I used to be but sometimes I still wonder if I'm completely diluted and there really is something massively wrong with me. Or rather there was something massively wrong and now that I'm starting to get better I can actually see or  or its been wrong all along and I'm just now noticing???

People with depression find all sorts of creative ways to self medicate. Some do it with food (popular option in Ami World I might add), some shop or gamble, or do drugs, or any number of similarly creative options. I took advantage of my abilities with people and went for "codependent". I think. I see that now. I'd kill to read my psychologists notes from when I was a kid.

I think part of it was survival. Mom got sick. Dad was working and dealing with a sick wife and was not exactly a model husband at the time so I got stuck with a whole lot of growing up in record breaking time. Its not fair or right but its life and it happened and I found out early just how strong I was. And in some ways I'm grateful.

The hard times teach you a lot so be grateful for the lesson. And try to work through it fast and learn whatever it is you need to learn as quickly as possible so you don't have to go through the lesson AGAIN. At least that probably the single biggest lesson the hard times have taught me. Learn fast or do it again. The suckiness sucks but its there to teach you so if you want it to go away figure it the frick out.

And I recognize that I have this tendency (to go the codependent route) now so I try to avoid it in big way. But sometimes I worry that I've completely failed at it. Mostly b/c I find myself in situations that I look and go, oh I can see why she's here, and her, and here, but why am I here? Which leads us to wonder if we're just massively arrogant and self diluted.

And yet, some of it makes sense. More like, if you consider the past, the present makes more sense and its more that I'm coming out of it than that I'm still in it and thats why I see it for what it is.

Maybe.

I'm just afraid that maybe I don't see it and so I'm really in it. But I don't think I am. B/c denial is the first sign right?

And now I'm talking in circles.

I look back now and I realize how amazingly blind I was in certain areas. But this was a whole new ball game and I'd never seen this one before. And yet, I feel to the core of my soul that it was the right choice to make. I knew it then and I know it now. I was lead to make that choice. It was the right one. And so these things are crappy and they suck. But I think I'm here in part b/c I'm the friend, the one who jumps down the hole with you b/c they've been down there before and they know the way out.

And so at times its frustrating that things aren't better than they are, or that they're not instantly fixed. But I have to remember that I didn't get this way in a day. And we're talking about reprogramming decades of bad patterning. But the heart is good. The desires are pure, the love is there and in all the right places.

So no, I don't think this is the codependent thing. I think its started to head there once or twice but through divine intervention has mostly stopped.

I think with time, and love and perseverance and a whole lot of divine guidance it really will be okay. I think what I see are shadows of old bad patterns. Some tried to trap me, some have in the past. But mostly their shadows. Tendencies handed down.