Friday, October 8, 2010


I'm not often a very angry person. Or at least I try not to be. I'm generally of the opinion that anger is a very expensive emotion. It robs you of energy that could often be more productively applied else where. Also anger is what I call a "secondary emotion". You don't just feel angry. You feel angry because you feel something else like pain or fear or hurt. Therefore when I feel angry I generally try to find the root cause and deal with it that rather than spend the energy it takes to be angry.

There are times when anger is a good thing. Anger can give you the back bone to do whats right like stand up for the weak (even if the weak is yourself). Righteous anger, justifiable anger can be a powerful tool for positive change. When you recognize a shit bucket situation for what it is and get angry you discover you have the right and power to call the bucket what it is and refuse to accept it.

Lately I've been feeling a lot of anger. I've had plenty of time to analyze it. I know why I feel it. I feel powerless over the choices of another whose choices directly affect myself. And when those choices do not go in ways I want them to go I feel intense fear and that leads me to anger. Its that or depression.

Could I choose not to be angry and shrug it all of and just go with it? Maybe. But this is a repeating pattern that I'm hopefully nearing the end of for better or worse and right now the hurt has built up so that I'm scared to let go of my anger. I need it. Its my shield and armor. I need it so I don't hope again. Because if I hope and believe then I can be let down and hurt. So until I see real change, for now I am refusing to put my armor down.

I'm not sure its the healthiest course of action, but I'm not sure how else to deal with it. I am a planner by nature. I like my plans. They make me feel secure when I can see my path in front of me. And right now I see two very different paths and the anxiety of not knowing which one is my future is scary.

I don't know because right now I'm allowing another persons choices to affect my own. So yes part of this anxiety is my fault. I could simply decide to follow either path regardless. However, Path A will suck if the person doesn't choose like I'd like them to, but if it does go in my favor that it can be amazing. Path B will suck initially regardless but has the possibility of long term less suckage than a Path A gone bad.

So in some ways I have decided - I've decided I want Path A if I can have it at least mostly on my terms. I think a happy Path A is probably the smartest choice long term and definitely the less traumatic. But if Path A goes badly I become what I've long sworn I never, ever want to be which is why Path B exists. Path B has all sorts of massive pot holes to be maneuvered around and through but the end result is better than an unhappy Path A.

And so I've put a time limit on the change of another person and I wear my armor while I await the verdict. Hopefully my heart can handle it...

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