Friday, October 22, 2010

I was doing it wrong!!

So I think I may have had an epiphany this evening. A big one. Also had a different one this morning but I'll call that more of an inspiration. Cuz it was fairly straight forward and easy to comprehend. We'll go with "epiphany" for this evening because we're still wrapping our mind around it and chewing on it and so I'm going to ramble but I THINK I may have figured out something big. (Fair warning this is my chewing through an idea so the thought train is liable to be circular and repetitive. Suck it up or go some place else).

Because in case you haven't caught the subtle undertone the last few months I've got some crapola stuff going on in my life and I'm not ready yet to spill the beans with the whole internet (and who knows maybe keeping it vague allows you to better relate it to your own life and struggles??... Thats a nice thought anyways....) but I think I had my "DOH!" moment tonight.

Whole point of my last post - if you're not happy you're doing it wrong. Well, I've definitely been very LESS than happy of late so clearly I must have been doing something wrong. (Yes I'm slow and should have caught this one a while back BUT whatever. Shut up).

I got it wrong. I went back and I reread things tonight and I realized I kinda missed a core principle (me = genius). I thought my healing would somehow involve being healed either with or with out the other person. So I didn't want to let myself get healed in either direction until I knew what the other person was going to do (way to hand over my agency *thwacks self in head*) because I couldn't stand the thought of letting my poor little Ami heart get all half healed up again and then smashed into little bitty pieces. Again.

We just couldn't do that. Not again. And so to try to reclaim some control I set a dead line. I need action, real action by X or, or, well, lets just not get to X, Okay??! And I've been agonizing over what the other person would do and what I would do if we did get to X and the change hadn't happened. B/c what if I got it wrong. This is big friggin important stuff here. And I've got a, b, and c huge major consequences riding on it. How will I know?!! What if I'm wrong?!!!

I knew the Lord could heal everything. And I thought thats what the "hope" part meant. "Hope" it will all get better and trust that the Lord CAN fix it. And I despaired because "Yes the Lord CAN fix anything BUT what if the other person won't LET HIM??" Christ is the perfect gentleman, he'll never force anything.

And thats been my agony and my thought chasing round and round in my head. Paired with a healthy dose of "I can't life like this for much longer" and but what about A, B and C?? Those are BIG consequences.

But I read it wrong. My healing doesn't have to be one way or the other. My healing, my happiness is completely and totally independent of the other person's choices. I can trust and be healed regardless. I can trust my God and be healed NOW.

I can be happy, joyous and peaceful regardless. God knows me, He knows what I need to be happy. If I need to leave the situation to Him, the Lord will tell me when and where to go or not and I can trust in my God and be at peace with the decision.

My healing and my happiness is in Christ. I will be lead to my happiness and whether that is here or there I will know. It won't break my heart either way because I will know the path is right. I will know that God loves all the people involved far more perfectly than I do and they are HIS children and He will take care of them.

I thought I had to pick the path. I was wrong. I have to pick Christ and HE will put me on the right path and walk with me the whole way. The fear that I'll get it wrong can be gone. I just have to follow Christ.

Yes I should probably know this already. For all you enlightened people who are going "Uh, DUH slow poke" shut up. Genius here has to learn the hard way sometimes. Repeatedly. But I think I got it this time. :D

Now the goal is to remember it. Again.

Also we bit the bullet and looked at the next section. The scary section. And not only was it much less scary than we thought it was going to be, we had a bit of a revelation that took away the big part of the scary so we think we can face going there now. Previously I may have declared myself healed and not needing to go forward b/c I'm all better now thankyouverymuch rather than face the next, uber scary section. But I think the fear is gone. I was trying to obliquely do the next section with out DOING the next section as it was. I think now we might just have what we need to go for the gusto! :D

1 comment:

  1. I am extremely impressed. Years of counseling and I am still struggling with this concept. I seem to get it in my head but my heart is one stubborn organ. Thank you for laying out so clearly what I need to understand.