Thursday, July 7, 2011

I want cake

So for years I very firmly believed that my weight problem was because my metabolism sucked so bad (I've even had docs agree with me on this). I hadn't found a single way to eat in a long term liveable fashion that wouldn't cause me to gain weight. Instead I'd try diet after diet, lose a bunch of weight until I couldn't stand whatever the restrictions it had me on were and then I'd go back to my regular life and gain it all back plus 10 pounds.

Super ultra depressing.

So then last year I discovered Christine Avanti's Skinny Chicks eating plan. For the first time in my life I could eat until I was full, every meal, and feel GREAT, and for the first time in my life I had absolutely no sugar cravings. It was almost weird. And best of all I effortlessly dropped weight. It was amazing.

And I did it long enough to lose 27 pounds and prove it absolutely worked.

And then I quit. And I haven't gone back. At first I had great excuses: I was on vacation, it was the holidays, it was my anniversary, my birthday and Valentines. Then Easter.

Now I just plain have NO excuse. And even the best of excuses does not explain the overwhelmingly intense emotional/psychological response I have (usually in the direction of making and eating massive quantities of baked goods) every time I think about going back to eating healthy.

I know that I need to eat better. I know if I don't fix this sooner rather than later I'm going to wind up teaching my kids bad habits and I don't want this for them. I know that if I don't fix it, it will only get worse  until I wind up being buried in a square box at a young age. I know the weight hurts my joints, limits my mobility, and exercise options and increases my risk for migraines.

All of this makes for perfectly logical, rational reasons why I should go back to eating the Skinny Chicks way. But the thing we've discovered is that I've got a bigger problem now. I'm addicted to coping with my stress through baked goods. I have significant levels of anxiety and my top way to deal with those is through food. In particular my favorites are sweet baked goods (cookies, cake, pie, brownies, etc).

This is why I've decided to start a 12 step addiction recovery program. I decided that over a month ago. Today I finally opened the book and read step 1. Now I'm supposed to start journaling answers to their workbook section at the end of each step. And all I can think is "OMG I want cake".

And I'm scared that I'm just going to do what I've done the last half dozen times I've tried to start eating good again- which is: freak out wanting cake. Don't eat cake. Eat something instead of cake. Freak out and binge eat some massive baked good cake alternative. Still want cake. Finally eat cake. Feel depressed so you eat something else sweet. Resolve to do better, freak out wanting cake, rinse, repeat.

101 signs you may have a problem.... *sigh*

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