Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Working for Zen

So the sh1t-eth has been hitting the fan-eth. And I'm trying very, very hard to not freak out about it because if I freak out about it I kinda wind up in the fetal position alternating between hyperventilating and wanting to beat people upside the head with a baseball bat for things that may or may not be at all their fault.

And I've got a whole bunch of questions and not a lot of answers. And I've got a whole bunch of things that need solid plans and need them asap and I am powerless as of yet to plan them for reasons entirely outside my control.

I think thats the biggest issue I"m having at the moment is feeling powerless. There is so much about my situation that is making me crazy and theres so very little about it that I have any power to change. Well... short of running away and joining the circus and there by leaving the whole kit and kaboodal behind. Which is more one of those "you ALWAYS have a choice, even if its a really chitty choice" moments.

And so in my efforts to keep myself from giving into my anxiety attacks and curling up into a giant ball of depression I am currently really focusing on being grateful for the things that I do have. I do have the cutest baby boy ever. I do have a husband who loves me. I do have some amazing friends and really wonderful family. I do have this beautiful house that is looking better now than at any time previous.

I'm also trying  to focus on my relationship with my Heavenly Father and trying very hard to let go of all my fear and worry and to just trust my God that it will work out okay in the end. Its hard to do. Its definitely not my natural inclination. I know that worry just robs me of the strength that I need today, to work on having a better tomorrow.

And so I take deep breaths, say my prayers, read my scriptures and try very hard to trust God.

Wish me luck.

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