Friday, June 1, 2012

*grumble grumble*

I wish that life were planable. Plannable? I dunno its not a word so I'm making it up. I want to be able to properly plan everything in my life and I want those plans to actually work. That way I could see clearly the path before me and know how it was going to go down and how it was all going to work out. Right now I see several different things that all need to happen in the near future.

The problem is that I think some of those things may be mutually exclusive things and so I just have no idea how its all going to happen and work out and fit together. Not with other things existing as they currently are. And just for bonus points, most of the major elements depends on my husband and not me to accomplish them and therefore that limits the amount of control I have over the situation, him not being a robot I can control (yes I've tried).

And so this elevates my stress and I'm trying really hard to not freak out and say eat a whole pan of brownies and have a panic attack. And so instead I find my self some what paralyzed. My ability to be productive in any form has just gone right down the tubes and all I really want to do is sleep b/c if I'm awake then I start worrying again and then I want to eat and eating is bad. I'm doing Weight Watchers and if I don't want to put right back on all the weight I've lost then I've got to find an alternate something to do but instead of say,"running a marathon" or "hiking a mountain" to relax, my anxiety level just makes me want to curl up in the fetal position.

Right now I'm filing that under "better than brownies but not good".

We take what we can get right?

Ya know I read a blog post by a friend about depression and thought, "Wow I'm actually doing really good. I haven't been that bad in a long, long time" and then I write this post and kinda go "Yeah..... but I'm not sure 'good' is the word I'd use to describe what I am right now given the whole need for the fetal position bit." *sigh* One step forward, two steps back. Something like that right?

I need to go make dinner b/c the missionaries are coming over which is something I usually thoroughly enjoy except all my pleasure at it is gone right now b/c I swear my ability to feed the missionaries in this ward with out incident is just cursed. There was the time I made dinner and they never showed up b/c apparently they didn't get their meal calendar. There was the time I made dinner and Adam was late coming home from work so I just hauled the table out in the court yard in front of our apartment and fed them al fresco (they can't come in if theres not another adult male in the house with me.... b/c three on one makes sense but whatever. Chaperones are goofy things). And then there was the time I somehow managed to lose my mind and sign up to feed them ON my anniversary when I actually had a babysitter and was going to get to go out on an actual date with my husband. I was so flustered I just threw cash at them and told them to take themselves out to eat.

Seriously. Any sane person would just NOT sign up anymore. I mean we have managed this successfully once or twice but the big problem we KEEP having is that I serve dinner at 6 pm. This is because my husband doesn't get home from work until 5:45 pm usually. Well apparently every other person on the planet eats dinner at 5 pm and so they always want to come earlier and I can't have them come earlier because I don't have a penis and my husbands penis won't be home for another hour and Caleb's isn't old enough to count. And they keep scheduling appointments for 6 pm. And while I commend them for their diligence in teaching the gospel its really the frick annoying. And if I didn't have a major soft spot for the missionaries, former missionary that I am, I would totally just give up.

So guess what happened today. I even specified on the calendar when I signed up a week ago that dinner would need to be at 6 pm. Guess what. They didn't GET the calendar until TODAY. So guess what they have scheduled at 6 pm? (Hint: Its NOT a dinner with me). And thats a problem b/c its 110 degrees outside and I'm not making them sit out there to eat a nice hot meal. Mercifully my husbands boss is feeling nice and he'll hopefully get home at more like 5:15 pm and that just gets to be enough time for them to eat cuz thats as good as its getting' folks.


Now if I can make myself go prep dinner instead of sit here and whine or escape into reading or try to sleep more....

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