Progress on the Yard 3

So its been a while and things are looking better in the back yard. I'll up date you on the front yard after I get finished w/ the post-spring clean up. But hey compared to the thigh high weeds and dirt when we first bought the place this thing has come a LONG ways!!

Don't mind the strip of dead grass in the middle. I learned that my electric lawn mower is not macho enough to handle stripping things short enough to over seed winter rye so we're gonna officially file that task under: best left to a professional. The stripe should go away soon enough. The bermuda is coming out of dormancy and I just fertilized everything yesterday. 

Here's the little gardenia I planted along the shady back fence. She's kept blooming like mad (smells amazing) so I'm hopful she'll do well there. 

Yeah I still haven't moved the cactus in the play ground area. I need to get to that too... Also the tree on the right there needs some serious clean up. Lots of dead branches.  

I used some of that "Ground Clear for 1 Year" stuff on the path on the left side there to test it b/c I was afraid the run off would kill my grass but its only killed a couple little 6" or so patches of grass there so I vote thats a go in my book. Its done a great job of keeping the weeds out of the bricks. 

Ahhh my little side alley. 2 of the 3 vines I planted turned out to not be able to handle the heat here in Phoenix. I was very sad. I really wish plant info tags has a maximum temp rating and not just a minimum. It would be really helpful here. AND the 3rd vine has been a learning experience. Did you know that jasmine comes in 2 varieties? Mounding and Vining. I wanted a vine to climb up the wall so guess which type I bought? Thats right mounding. Ahhhh sweet learning experiences. Also jasmine really likes her sun so while she lived, she did not thrive. So I dug up all 3 plants, disposed of the dead ones and transplanted the mounding jasmine over by my rose bushes for some ground cover. I've replaced all 3 vines with bouganvilla that I scored for a song at Costco a few weeks back. 

 Yup theres the cactus that still needs moving. But it has crazy beautiful flowers in spring so I really want to try to keep it alive if at all possible. Wish me luck. 

Isn't it crazy how much that rose bush in the back right has grown?! That thing was 3 sticks and 2 leaves and mostly dead in the shade by my front door when we bought this house. I transplanted it, pruned it and said if it survives the shock it should do fine. I think its doin pretty okay personally. Also the mini rose there in the front is crazy! That thing like exploded back from its pruning and is COVERED in buds. I love it. The green thing in the front left is the mounding jasmine which will hopefully be much happier soon, and you can't see it hardly at all because of the shade but in the rear left there is my newest tiny little rose bush that I got for 3 bucks and has the most amazing ruffled, fragrant lavender blossoms. I'll get you pictures as she grows up and gets gorgeous. 

Also can just say that I really miss mulch?! Everything looks so much better w/ a nice thick, dark layer of mulch but no you can't use that here b/c it turns to sawdust in a single season (or so I'm told) so what you do is rock. And well lets just say that while rock might last forever the start up cost is prohibitive. *sigh* So I'll just keep battling the weeds for my dirt patches I guess. *sigh*

Lessons I Still Need To Learn

I have issues advocating for myself. I mean, I'm a million percent better than I used to be and yet I still suck at it. And its weird because I have zero issues advocating for other people. I'm smart, I'm focused, I'm clear headed but when it comes to myself I am permanently that nerdy kid I was in school that stands there slack jawed in the face of the bully's attack and only comes up with the perfect retort hours later.

Or rather now I can stand up for myself but only when it doesn't really matter. I can smart off a retort w/ the best of them, but when its something important or really personal I still choke.

And I hate it and it makes me crazy and while I've made great progress I still have miles to go. And its so infuriating b/c mentally I know better. I know I don't deserve xyz, I know its wrong, I know I have a right to stand up for myself. If anybody tried this w/ somebody I cared about I'd take them off at the knees and not think twice about it. But when its me I'm just like, "durrrrrr...."

Really, really vexing and I'm not really sure how to get over it. B/c its not like it happens as much anymore now that I'm an adult so I don't exactly have a lot of opportunities for practice and also its uncomfortable so therefore I avoid it if at all possible, even if I don't admit to myself thats what I'm doing... So vexing.

Also I'm trying to find the balance between being positive with myself and being honest/realistic. B/c I've learned the hard way that negative self talk is bad. I mean really, really bad. I'd read for years in psych texts etc that its a bad thing but well I always blew that off and figured it didn't really make that big a difference. And believe you me - I was so good at negative self talk my mother once told me when I screwed something up, "I don't even have to yell at you b/c I know nothing I can say will compare to what you say to yourself".

But my sweet husband really changed all that. Anytime he'd hear me say something negative about myself he'd say, "Hey! Nobody talks smack about my wife!!" and I'd laugh and try not to do it. And after a couple years of that the difference is just amazing. I mean, I really can't understate what a positive thing this has been for my self esteem and my self image. I actually like what I see when I look in the mirror now. That act used to reduce me to tears. No, I don't look perfect, and I've got things I'd like to fix but I can see the good things for what they are now - as good things. The bad is in its proper perspective.

And yet... I have things I need to work on. My house is a permanent pit of filth. I have a whole stack of projects in a permanent state of "not done yet". I have things I have told people that I would get done that are not getting done. And I hate that. And so I need to figure out whats up and how to fix it etc. But my gut reaction is to berate myself. I want to say horrible things. And I'm not sure how to see a realistic view of whats going on b/c what I want to say is that I'm clearly a disgustingly lazy person who spends too damn much time on the internet.

And while there may well be more than a grain of truth there I also don't want to say that to myself. Or at least I want to make sure thats not the only thing going on. I want to also give myself some credit and point out that I potty trained my kid this week. So I didn't get my dining room remodel done, or a million other things but by golly my kid can poop in the potty now and for me in my life, thats huge.

But excuses are like butt holes - everybody has them and they all stink and I've got excuses for why my house is a mess but other people have wayyyyy crazier lives than mine (my sister for example) and she maintains a beautifully organized, practically spotless house. And I just think that it has to be possible. Other people do it all the time. If I could just get it done then I could maintain it and that would be easier and it would free me up for x, y and z. And yet I just don't know what my issue is that this is my goliath....

So how to honestly evaluate a situation, give myself credit, but not make excuses, be honest but not cruel to myself... I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Eating Enough

I know, I know its another post about weight loss but get over it b/c its whats on my mind so its whats gonna come out in my blog. *shrugs*

So one of the things I'm most grateful to Weight Watchers for atm is teaching me how much I should eat for my size. B/c - and this sounds totally counter intuitive - but when I first started WW (w/ my old "diet" mentality) I had a really hard time getting all my points in every day. And I tell you I wasn't losing weight like I am now.

That sounds crazy right? I ate less and lost less. Well actually its not so crazy b/c if you eat too little for your size then your body goes into starvation mode and your metabolism slows way down and your weight loss stalls out. Given that I've never been this big before in my life I apparently had no clue what was a healthy amount to eat for my size so that I could be healthy but still lose weight.

So in order for me to start losing weight I actually had to loosen the reins up a bit. I know I'll have to tighten them back down later when my daily points allowance gets smaller (but then I'll be smaller too so it won't be painful). So I actually switched back from Fat Free Mayo to regular Mayo just so I could get the points. I actually like Fat Free Mayo (sick I know but its better than the low fat nastiness I tried when I was a kid) so it won't be any big deal to go back to that when I need to and for now I'm losing weight AND eating mayo and cheese on my sandwiches, both of which I initially cut out b/c "I was dieting".

Weird huh?

Also when I was seriously restricting my in take I was MUCH more likely to binge out. And ya know those cookies REALLY add up fast at 5 points EACH. My group leader, Julie, was totally right when she strongly encouraged us to not only eat all our daily points but to eat our whole weekly allowance too. And ya know what? I'm doing better now than I was then. Go figure!

Its only a matter of time

I had the coolest thought today: "Its only a matter of time". Which on the surface isn't that exciting of a thought. But I had it in regards to weight loss.

Me. Really.

I'm losing weight. I have lost 20 lbs and it wasn't even painful. I don't feel deprived. I feel like I could do this every day for the next 10 years and be okay with it.

I've joined Weight Watchers and I think I'm in love w/ the new Points Plus Program (no I am not being paid or perked in anyway to say this).

I tried WW about 10 years ago and I liked the old Points program okay but I found I was hungry a lot of the time so I didn't stick with it. But they've changed now to the new Points PLUS program and that Plus bit makes all the difference.

For those of you unfamiliar with WW, the gist is this: You eat your own food. In WW there are no "Off Limits" foods. You can eat anything. Really. With one small caveat: You have to have the points.

Every food you eat has a points value (well technically all fruit is zero points and most veggies - they say nobody had to join WW b/c they ate too many bananas lol). And the scale is weighted in favor of protein and fiber. So a food that is high in lean protein or high fiber is going to be lower points than say something of equivalent calories but that gets those calories from processed carbs or fat.

I really like the weighted Points scale of the Points Plus program because it means I'm not hungry all the time. I eat all my points every day and I am FULL. Its awesome.

In fact they give you a "Daily Points Allowance" thats based on your age, gender, height and current weight. You are supposed to eat at least your Daily Points Allowance every day. I say, "At least" b/c you also get a "Weekly Points Allowance". Now this Weekly Allowance is my friend. EVERYBODY gets 49 points a week extra to use as you want.

If you really want that cookie you can have it even if you've eaten all your Daily points as long as you still have room in your Weekly. Some people like to have a little something extra every day, other people prefer to save them up for a big night out or wedding or whatever. And believe me as long as you don't go CRAZY and massively binge out (just stop when you get full and eat your veggies first) I've personally found it very difficult to use ALL my weekly allowance in a single sitting. I didn't even manage it at Thanksgiving!

AND b/c this is a "life style change" and not a diet, WW is going to teach me how to maintain my weight once I get to goal. And once I get to my goal weight and maintain that for 6 weeks I become a "Lifetime Member" which means as long as I stay at goal I get to go to WW meetings FOR FREE. Forever. Seriously. How cool is that?!

And its even more cool than it sounds on the surface b/c there are lifetime members in my meetings that I go to (besides the staff) and some of those ladies have been there for 20 years! And they look great! Its a fantastic way for them to stay on track and motivated and given  my tendency to yo-yo my weight loss the thought of being able to be the same size for 20 years is just AWESOME. So its seriously motivating for me to see these folks who have done it and managed to keep the weight off. Which for me has always been the hardest part.

So yeah. I can do this. And its so so so exciting to feel like its really just a matter of time until I'm healthy, until my joints don't hurt, until I look on the outside like I feel on the inside. And that my friends is seriously cool.

I suffer from the paranoids

See I've got a problem - I suffer from the paranoids. Part of its inherited - my Dad was a cop and if you wanna know about paranoia have a cop for a father. He taught my sister and I VERY well. It also doesn't help that I love crime dramas on tv, movies, books etc and have read wayyyy too many true crime files.

Now with regard to myself and my personal safety I've mostly got my paranoids under lock and key. I'm mostly confident in my awareness of my surroundings and my abilities. I've thus far managed (with the grace of God) to stay safe *knock on wood*.

And sometimes - knowing the statistics that I know and the things/circumstances that have happened in my life (some of which I could or could not control) its kind of amazing to me that I have stayed safe when so, so many others in similar circumstances have not. I credit God totally on that one.

But now I have a whole new problem: I have a child. More particularly I have an as-yet non-verbal child. That means that he can't tell me if something isn't right. I can't ask him and get a direct response if everything is okay. I can't instruct him as well what is and is not okay. He's only 2. He's not there yet.

And I am so mind numbingly terrified to trust people with him. He's my baby. My precious. Its my job to protect him. Nobody on the 6'o'clock news says "Oh yeah they made me nervous but what can you do right?" No! Its ALWAYS, "I never, ever suspected anything was wrong.... I never saw it coming... I trusted them completely".

So I'm trying to come up with child care options and so very often its "Oh well so and so would work.... but I don't know their spouse... are they safe too?"

Part of me goes, "Well I just have to have faith that God will prompt me so that we can avoid those situations". But part of me goes, "Yeah well what about X, Y, Z people? Did God just not prompt their parents or were they not listening or was this just some sort of 'learning experience' they needed to have in their life?" and ya know I just can't wrap my mind around that option. This is my baby. Its my job to protect him.

How do you trust people? How do you trust their judgement of OTHER people? If I trust them, can I trust their judgement of the other person? ... The wife is always the last to know right?

The Paranoids. They're evil and obnoxious and keep me from sleep. I'm this paranoid and nothing happened to me personally... Just to so, so many people I know and love.....

How do you trust?

Cilantro Jalapeño Hummus

So there a restaurant around here called Pita Jungle. If you're in Arizona or California, go look up your closest one and go eat. You can send me a thank you note later.

I know there are people among us who are not fortunate enough to have been blessed w/ the genes required to taste cilantro properly (seriously its genetic). In case you're wondering, you know you can taste it properly if it tastes like a party in our mouth. And well Pita Jungle has this AMAZING hummus. Probably my hands down favorite I've ever had. Its a Cilantro Jalapeño hummus thats not spicy at all but tastes AMAZING. Seriously I can eat that stuff with a SPOON.

And I've been craving some of that hummus for a week now but I'm currently too broke to go get a fix (or two... or three... or four.... or...). So I started googling and I found recipes here, here, here and here that all claimed to approximate the crack hummus I'm seeking. There were some minor variations, so I wrote down the gist of it on a note pad and went and started experimenting w/ my food processor.

My biggest goal was that I wanted that taste, but I know that hummus can vary widely in fat so I was trying to keep the fat content down (b/c some of those recipes have A LOT) b/c I'm doing Weight Watchers. Well folks - I have succeeded!!! (I apologize for the blah picture but I just couldn't WAIT to share!).

Cilantro Jalapeño Hummus

2 cans of garbanzo beans (15 oz size) - drained (and I saved the juice from the bean can)
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 tsp kosher salt (I'm sure you can use regular salt but thats what I always cook w/)
1 jalapeño cored, seeded and minced (if you want it spicy leave the seeds, if you want flavor and no spice ditch 'em)
2 limes, juiced
1/2 c of cilantro, chopped (you can do less if you're not a big cilantro fan)
2 T EVOO (extra virgin olive oil - I gave in and added some to smooth out the texture and make it creamy)
1/4 -1/2 tsp Cumin
Pinch of Cayenne Pepper (optional)

Basically, add everything listed to your food processor and hit frappe. I then thinned it down to the desired consistency using my bean juice I saved from the can. I probably used a good half a cup or so. I did this instead of adding water b/c I was afraid it would water down my amazing flavor and using that much olive oil would add a TON of fat.

I also ditched the traditional tahini, partially b/c I'm out, but also cuz that stuff is WAY high in points.

Oh the taste verdict: AWESOME (at least I think so) and if you're doing Weight Watchers its only ONE, thats right, ONE Points Plus per 2 TBSP serving, or only 5 PP for a whole half cup!! Sweet!

Rick Santorum just ticked me off

Okay, before this morning I was on the fence about Santorum. I didn't really know anything about him so I didn't have much of an opinion. And then I read this speech and now I'm pissed. Here go take a look at the link. Mostly I care about paragraphs 2-4 (okay well mostly 3 and 4)

http://news.yahoo.com/rick-santorum-draws-crowds-raises-nearly-1-million-070701782--abc-news.html

I read it and at first I was all:

For those of you too lazy to click the link and read the article (and really I understand if you are) Rick starts off by goin' off about how Obama is out to destroy the churches of our country. And I'm all "Whatever. Standard inflammatory political rhetoric" but THEN I get to:

"He [Santorum] told the audience at the raucous rally that Obama is restricting religious freedoms in this country, and even that a situation like the French Revolution could happen in America. As he spoke supporters yelled, "We want Rick!" and "We want you!" throughout the speech.

"They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why? When you marginalize faith in America, when you remove the pillar of God given rights then what's left?" Santorum asked and an audience member offered, "Communism!"

"The French Revolution," Santorum answered. "What's left is a government that gives you rights. What's left are no unalienable rights. What's left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you'll do and when you'll do it. What's left in France became the guillotine. Ladies and gentlemen, we are a long way from that, but if we do follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility tofaith in America, then we are headed down that road."[Emphasis added]

And then the more I thought about it the more I was all: 

And thats when my head exploded. Because REALLY??! I almost don't know where to start. But b/c this is me we're just gonna dive RIGHT in.

1. The French Revolution was all about the ideals of Enlightenment: namely Equality, Citizenship and Inalienable Rights. They revolted because their government took those away. Or more correctly - those were never even an option under the absolute monarchy of the time. Inalienable rights were what those people GAINED by their revolution. 

2. The guillotine was an invention of compassion. Sure it definitely got over used but compared to the other methods of execution at the time (beheading with multiple blows from an ax, hanging, stoning, drawn and quartered... ) it was very compassionate. A doctor invented it because they wanted a humane way to kill people. The aristocracy was famous for the tortured deaths of anybody who disagreed with them. The Revolution meant certain people had to die so that others could have their unalienable rights but they didn't want to be the people they were disposing so they found a "humane" alternative to the methods of the time. 

3. Yes the French Revolution did take over some of their churches. The people took them from the Catholic church (who at the time was still knee deep in the Inquisition AND in bed w/ the ruling classes, I might add) and turned them into "Temples of Reason". Admittedly those people did go a smidgen far. They beheaded statues when they ran out of people but lets all remember that the IQ of a mob is equal to the IQ of its dumbest member divided by the number of people in the mob and just go with it. 

So basically I have to say to Rick Santorum: Don't insult my intelligence. Go back to school and take a few history classes or hell just go read Wikipedia. That or fire your speech writer. Some combination of the above. 

Communism wasn't a half bad answer. But "The French Revolution"? Thats a cheap shot at the French, who historically have been one of our strongest allies and with out whose support we would have lost the Revolution. I know we've had issues in the recent past but I don't think that should undo 200+ years of positive relations. I did a study abroad in France in college and I know for the most part the French love Americans (they just weren't big fans of Bush, mostly b/c he was friends w/ Tony Blair). 

I was on the fence about you before because I didn't know anything about you. But you sir, just lost my vote.