Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm a little ray of sunshine (aka you've been warned)

I'm up way too late. I should be sleeping and don't ask me why I'm not in bed b/c honestly I don't quite know myself. I'm being stupid. Again. I'm exhausted and hormonal and kinda bitchy. I love pms.

So this game I've been playing online, for free, for a few months - Evony, I really liked it but now I'm honestly kinda bored and I just plain don't have time for it anymore so I want to quit but I'm the second in command of my alliance and our host is currently awol b/c he's moving across country and so I'm, mostly, in charge (I do have a co-vice-host now, but I have seniority). So I don't want to just drop these people, but the crud is seriously hitting the fan with this that and the other and they need some serious leadership and lets be blunt my co-vice-host is worthless, and I really, just don't have the time, energy or inclination to jump in and be the leader.

So I feel kinda bad. But clearly not bad enough to actually do something about it. I'm tired and I'm done. I sent an email directly to the mighty leader telling him of the trouble and that he needs to get his bum back online asap if he still wants to have an alliance when he gets back.

And I'm deeply concerned about another thing, and I'm not quite sure how to talk about it here with out talking about it but basically... an individual doesn't always agree with the decisions my husband and I make about our life, and plans and finances and seeks to exert control and manipulation to make things go the direction that this person wants them to go. We'll call this person X. And right now there are resources that X can withhold from us, and has threatened to do so if we do not do as X demands. Well, there are good reasons why we are not doing what X wants us to do and the biggest thing that I'm scared about right now is we will have more access to resources in the future, but for the next 6 months or so until we get that access we're kind of at the mercy of X.

And X is wanting us to change the way some resources are managed, because it will cost us less fees etc to manage them differently, but the catch is that it will make X the sole gate keeper TO those resources. And that scares me. X is not a member of the church. X does not get that sometimes we do things because we've prayed about them and this is what we're supposed to do (which I will say is one of the nice things about my folks - if I tell them honestly that I don't know why I'm doing fill-in-the-blank but I know that it is the right thing to do, they are immediately okay about it and the answer is "Well, then it will work out"). And X is something of a control freak as it is and if X had their way in the past many things (such as our marriage) would not have happened.

So I know X does want what is best for us, but I also don't think that X appreciates certain things. Particularly since I come from the perspective of knowing what it is to be poor, and X has never even been in the same hemisphere as the country that the ballpark of poor is in. And so it gives us very different perspectives on how things should be spent vs saved. Oddly enough given what I've just said, I'm saying save it and do one thing at a time, and X is saying spend it all now thats what its for. And my thought on that is yes, but if we do things this way, we can still get the things done that the resources are intended for and still have the resources exist when its over.

And more than that... the resources will eventually be ours to do with as we chose, regardless of what X desires us to do. This will give us a safety net and independence, b/c right now when crap happens we have to go running to X and beg for salvation. And X knows this and has threatened to let us fall if we do not do things as X desires. But if we blow our future safety net now, that means long term we wind up at the mercy of X. And again, that scares me. I really really really don't like it. I do not like the strings that are attached.

So I'm talking in circles. But, there will have to be a lot of prayer before we sign things over to the sole gate keepership of X. But I do fear what it would do to our relationship with X long term if my husband were to refuse to do so. I don't think X would take it well and X has quite a temper.

And my husband has reasons based on events now over a decade old why he does not entirely trust X with resources, and he's saying he desires to get the details and talk to X about it and I can tell you right now that won't go well. X is much better now that X was then, but X still has never owned things from then in other situations and I can see X going ballistic over such a conversation.

So, in other news, Caleb holds his bottle ALL BY HIMSELF now! I'm so proud! I do have the world's most insanely cute baby ever.

I'm exhausted but my mind is still going round and round b/c of the X situation. And I need to just go to sleep. And my kitchen is truly frighteningly dirty and I don't want to deal with cleaning it. I'm so exhausted. And I need to jump back into my house organization but I don't wanna. I've lost my mojo again. I need to find it.

The house reorg epic saga is thus: we moved into this house and couldn't afford to buy shelves and crap we needed to organize things. So over time we accumulated the needed crap but then I was pregnant and had complications so I wasn't allowed to do any lifting at all, so pretty much the name of the game since we moved into this house is "stay ahead of the crap avalanche". I'm usually a very clean person and my house right now is gross. And so everything for the first year we lived here got shoveled into the middle bedroom, then the middle bedroom had to be cleaned and emptied for the baby, so it all got dumped in the office, and we've been given so much stuff, and had to buy so much stuff (its terrifying how much crap you need for a baby) and theres just SO MUCH STUFF. So basically once it reached the point that you couldn't walk into the office hardly, it then puked the mess into the dining room and living room.

Well after a desperate battle we reclaimed and reorganized the living room, and even got the attic, nursery, and laundry room in order and we even made some amazing headway in the office. Reorged the furniture, put up shelves in the closet, deep cleaned the closet and a bunch of shelving/drawers from the hall closet and master bedroom and sorted through about 10 tons of stuff. Even got thru the desk drawers. But the thing is that I still haven't managed to finish going through all the mountains of crap and from the crap to create an organization system for the crap that survives the purge, because the goal is to have a place for everything and everything in its place. I can't clean anything because there are things that simply don't have a place. So now they need a place or they need to go. Because I must have order.

So what I need to do is bite the bullet and take the plunge and go in there for a couple days and just conquer it. BUT at the same time, I'm supposed to take care of my baby, keep up with the laundry, kitchen and bills (and we're failing at all 3 of those at this moment - but at least the kiddo is doin great) and still get the website done for work (b/c we desperately need money and I've FAILED and meeting all my deadlines up until now), which means I have to develop a WHOLE NEW SKILL SET in record breaking time. Oh and I'm supposed to spend time with my husband, extended family, in theory have a social life, and SLEEP.

For some reason I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. I wonder why I can't sleep.

I'm also fatter than ever, I need a shower, and I want to eat a whole pan of brownies. Oh and I'm supposed to work out, which really hurts my joints, like to the point I can't sleep afterwards with out advil. But if I don't exercise I won't lose weight, which I need to do if I want the joints to stop hurting. Also I'm supposed to find the will power to diet. I can't make myself take care of my house, but I need motivate me to starve myself and cause myself pain. And I can't starve myself too much b/c then I get really really witchy, and more migraines and that just sucks. But if I don't starve myself enough I get fatter, b/c just eating enough food to fill me up (unless I sit around and eat veggies nonstop all day long) is too much food for my body and therefore I get fatter.

And I'm rambling now. Did I mention its nearly 2 am and I can't sleep? And if you've actually read this far, you must be a glutton for punishment or really like listening to me whine.

I got an email from some person in game (not on my team obviously) noting that they were now number 1 instead of us and that b/c I'd been "a bitch to " her in the past she wanted to rub my face in it. I have no memory of ever being rude to this person. I'm glad they achieved their goal of first and that they have no life to the point that they remembered me and wrote me to "rub it in". Apparently I am the big bad. Too bad I didn't even notice swatting that fly...

Think I'm finally tired enough to sleep. Thanks for being my mind purge. Good night.

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