Sunday, January 31, 2010

Don't read this if you're looking for an "upper"

Today was a really, really long day. I swear if I didn't know better I was so swingy today that I'd almost think I was either PMSing or pregnant (and I swear I am DEFINITELY NOT either of those). At two points I managed to have full blown bawling my eyes out break downs (different stuff each time). You should be proud that I did not in fact make and eat an entire pan of brownies like I was very tempted to do. I did make a batch of cookies but I only had 3. And some dough. But not a lot of dough! So considering it was one of those "2 pies, 1 gallon of ice cream, a whole pan of brownies and half a cake to make it right" kinda days you should be SO proud of me.

(I will add the disclaimer that I have NEVER eaten that much. Ever. Even if I really wanted to. But its sounded tempting.)

I think it all just got to me finally. And that STUPID movie didn't help. I rented "Raising Helen" from Netflix. It looked like a standard Kate Hudson romantic comedy. It SOOOOOOOO was not. It was Mommies dying and traumatized kids, rip your heart out, stupid tear jerker hallmark special kinda movie. And if you know me you know I don't handle the whole "mommy dying scenario" kinda movies. Those rank with "rip your heart out adoption" and "cancer" movies with me. Too close to home, no thank you, hell the frick no I am not watching that crap. Yeah so that just got me NICELY primed to be UBER hormonal psycho chick.

The fact that my husband still loves me, hugs me and hasn't left me yet after yet another day like this is proof that he really does deserve the husband of the millennia award. (I'd like to take a moment to note that you have Bloggers AWESOME spell check to thank for my not subjecting you to any more heinous misspellings than I currently do).

So basically, I got up did some more web site stuff (not bad), dealt with the kiddo (who was sweet this morning) and then we watched the STUPID movie. And about half way through the movie I had one of those horrible little realizations. And I realized that fill-in-the-blank really important thing had not been done. This is BAD. REALLY REALLY BAD. And to make my stress level that much better you should know the following: I can't do this thing. Adam is the one that must do this thing (and didn't get it done...). AND *wait for it* there is JACK CRAP we can do about it until Monday and Monday might just be too late. So absolute worst case scenario we can take care of it for February if we absolutely have to, but after that we're screwed and it gets really, really, really ugly option wise. And there is nothing I can do about it except try to stomp my anxiety into submission. Which I apparently failed at today.

So after we finished the movie-o-doom (I'm sure anybody else would have loved the movie and I'm just psycho) I wound up curled up the fetal position in the middle of my bed, covers over my head, alternating between hyperventilating, catastraphizing and sobbing for nearly an hour. Because I'm so grown up, mature and well balanced like that.

And yes I do realize now thru the non-melted-down lens of semi-ration that some of the stuff is kinda stupid. ie - I was freaking out and calling my self a bad mother b/c my kid had a bunch of ear wax in his outer ear and that if I was a good mommy he'd be kept so clean that this wouldn't happen and be gross. But at least I noticed and fixed it so that counts for something right? *deep breaths*

Some of it is more legit - we need to redo the budget and how we keep the books. Pre-baby I did it all. I had a very elaborate system and we had a nice budget. Post baby thats gone to heck in a hand-basket because I don't have time for my system. So we've been operating on the wish, prayer and watch the account balance and hope system. Which is NOT a good method. I know, you're shocked. But its true. This is NOT an approved system for sound financial planning.

So what NEEDS to happen to fix that is to go over at least the last two months of expenditures (which won't really be accurate because of the holidays but whatever) and figure out what we've been spending (things have changed courtesy of the kid) so we can create a new budget.

Oh and I'm supposed to do that while I take care of the baby, keep up with the household and try to get this work project done. Oh and I'm supposed to sleep too. Yeah thats a FAIL so we have now delegated this task to my husband.

And I'm finally getting sleepy so we'll cut this short. I freaked cuz I'm fat, my house is a mess, I've officially missed my work deadline AGAIN, my finances are a mess, there's holes in my couch and thats ghetto, I want to redo half my house, I don't have money to do anything and I shouldn't even been looking at things because by the time we get out of debt so we can afford to do these things and I manage to get my house CLEANED AND ORGANIZED so that we have ROOM to do these thing, the new ice age will have set in. And did I mention I'm fat?

Oh and my grandmother hates my guts and won't speak to me and I never, ever intended to tick her off. My post to facebook was me freaking out about my weight. All I meant to express was that growing up she was one of the people who taught me that its not okay to be fat (my entire family, extended, immediate, etc has SERIOUS body image issues). I do not blame her for my being fat but to be blunt she has said some really mean things to me over the years. And unlike the rest of my family who just doesn't talk to her anymore or moved away or what not (because she's kinda famous for saying things of this sort), I actually attempted to discuss my concerns with her and work things out. And now she's apparently never going to speak to me again. Whatever. Her loss. And its a shame but thats her choice. And now I'm being really mature and telling the entire bloggosphere. All 2 of you that read this.

Whatever, its late, I'm going to bed.

Good night world. May tomorrow bring answers, bright ideas, and some really good chocolate.

And the kid got constipated again for some reason. We seem to have sorted him out and he has resumed normal poopies (mixing baby oatmeal with apple prune juice seemed to work VERY well), but he has been WHINEY and today of all days that REALLY didn't help. I suppose I'm a decent mother after all b/c he's still alive after today....

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