Hope and other Fears

I'm debating if I should even bother trying to go to bed tonight. At this rate the only way I'll get any actual sleep is if I manage to pass out from exhaustion, which I have never yet managed so the odds are slim.

Tomorrow, or later today rather, is Caleb's hearing test. Even though he passed his new born screening because of my family history our doc wants to make doubly sure that Caleb's hearing is a-okay. I'm mostly confident that his hearing is just fine. BUT the gist of the matter is that if for some reason Caleb is uncooperative tomorrow or the test results are bad then they'll want to do the serious hearing test.

Its the big bad that tests all his nerves etc to test his hearing. Catch to that test is that it requires the subject to lay perfectly still with their eyes closed for up to an hour and a half. Which means that Caleb would DEFINITELY have to have general anesthesia. And the thought of doing that to my wee widget does NOT appeal to the Momma. Not one little bit.

So not only do I not want him to get stuck with my hearing loss I really, really don't wanna need to do that test. Is not okay.

And my fears about him being cooperative are increased because after sleeping for nearly two solid weeks from roughly 10 pm to 10 am (it was GLORIOUS I tell you) Mr. Caleb decided to wake up at 6:30 am yesterday, be crabby all day long and then passed out early, woke up again an hour ago and is finally back to sleep. This does not bode well for him being a happy, cooperative camper tomorrow.

I'll just need to pray real hard...

My other worry goes like this... I've been reading this book "Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads". Its written by nutritionist Christine Avanti and I really like her. She makes clear, logical, scientific sense. If what she's saying is accurate then I know exactly why I'm forever gaining weight, why I lose it and it comes right back and brings friends.

And this completely freaks me out and I'm getting to where I'm afraid to even try it or keep reading the book.

Because thats totally logical and rational I know.

At first I couldn't identify what makes me edgy about it. I kept having light bulb moments and ah-ha!s and feeling like she's dead right and then I started to freak. And at first I was like "oh sure. She's threatening me with meal planning and more cooking and I can't even get 2 brain cells in line as it is I'm supposed to add more too it?" and thinking that it must be too good to be true and there has to be some massive catch, but so far theres not....

And also change is a pain. Obviously what I do works for me or I wouldn't be doing it. But then again I'm fatter than I've ever been in my whole life so that really not the case here.

What scares me is that it makes me want to have hope again.

I recently gave up all hope of ever being skinny. I'd tried everything and none of it works. Or it does but I can't sustain it and then it just all comes right back and every single fricking time it brings friends. So I should just stop trying or I'm going to wind up weighing 300 pounds and thats not a way to live. Thats a way to die. So maybe if I just stop trying then I can just maintain and at least things won't get any worse right?

But if I get my hopes up and I try this..... what if it doesn't work? It was so depressing last time the hope died I really don't want to experience that again.

Maybe I'm being immature and stupid but this is how I feel and feelings are real even if they are stupid so they have to be dealt with. So this is me dealing. Mind purging for my nonexistant internet following.

I'm afraid to commit to trying. To get my hopes and dreams up. Because she says half the battle is mental and I have to get the mind in the game if I'm going to win so if I do this its whole hat. No dancing on the borders. I have to actually hope and believe I can be better, thinner, healthier than I am now.

And I'm afraid to dream that dream again.

Some Good News

Hey! Don't look so shocked. It happens.

Okay it doesn't happen nearly as often as it should, my reporting it I mean. Good happens a lot. I just tend to use you to whine. When its all good I tend to go enjoy it and forget to take the time to blog about it.

I'll try to be better. Don't give me that look....

So today I FIXED THE FRIDGE. I mean the fridge's water line. Whatever. Two days ago I went and purchased a whole bag of goodies from Lowe's, and by bag of goodies I mean batteries, light bulbs and a new self piercing saddle valve. And tonight we put all those goodies to good use.

We finally have all light bulbs in the bathroom vanity lights glowing. The smoke detector no longer feels the need to chirp its dying chirp. And I tapped the cold water line, transferred the water line from the fridge from the hot valve to the new cold valve. And VOILA! The water pressure problems in the fridge are FIXED! It works perfectly and I could not be more thrilled!!

We also got like 4 loads of laundry done yesterday and Adam cleaned the living room and I cleaned the kitchen so the house isn't quite the national disaster area it once was! OH! And the baby was MUCH less of a pissant today than yesterday so we'll keep him after all. :)

Now I'm gonna watch one more episode of Buffy on Netflix and go to bed. Its been a Good Day. :)

I need to rant

My house is a mess. Again. I want to scream and cuss and shout and blame everything in the fing world rather than deal with it. As usual. 

I keep thinking that maybe theres a chance we might actually get it clean and conquer it and have it manageable once and for all but I think I'd have to be a different person for that to happen. 

I'd have to be my sister or my cousin with their CONSTANT vigilance. I'm too prone to go "screw it lifes too short I'll deal with it later". The problem is that while I'm back is turned it GROWS. It sneaks off while I'm not looking, and brings back new friends. It breeds. ANd I turn back around and the little mess I left for just a while is now growling and snarling and threatening to eat us alive and the walls are closing in. 

I think if God was going to make me this lazy he should have also made the the kind of person who doesn't care about mess. B/c it makes me the frick twitchy. But my first instinct isn't to go clean it. Its to go bury my head in the sand and scream and cry and pretend its not really there. Which is just so productive and helpful. And a DEFINITE good use of my time and energy. 

It just gets so over whelming. And I HATE having to get out the shovel. I don't mind cleaning a bit. And I LOVE the way a clean house feels and smells. But somehow the whole frigging house goes to hell in a hand basket all at once and you need a friggin pick axe to make a dent. And its so discouraging. 

And every time I get it clean I swear I'm not going to let it get like that again and then somehow I wake up and voila there it is. Shit central. 

How does anybody do it all? It seems I can't find a balance. I can be a good mom or I can have a clean house or I can be low stress or I can balance my budget or I can do artistic things and be a good employee but somehow I can't do all of the above. On a really really good day I might even manage to do 2 of those. HOw does anybody do all of them? And thats not even considering everything else I need to do. 

According to a book I read I'll get more help from my hubby by not giving him a constant to do list. Do like one thing at a time etc. But he's a crappy self motivator, so I have to help him remember to do things. B/c he doesn't see the mess. He's affected by it so it registers somewhere but apparently not to the point that he does anything about it. So help him remember but not too much of a to do list at once or the motivation dies. And honestly I wanna sit and cuddle and veg with him just as much as he does. But then we wake up in the morning and he goes to work and I'm the one stuck in this house that is so dirty the walls are closing in around me. And it feels like being thought ful and rationing out his to do list is just one more thing for MY to do list and lord knows I'm not getting a fraction of it done as it is. How on earth am I supposed to do this too? Even if in theory it means he'll help me get more of my to do list done? 

Don't mind me... I'm just talking to myself

So this post is going to be me rambling. I think I have a problem but I'm not exactly sure what that problem is. yes I know that sounds retarded or like I'm looking for trouble or something but it is what it is.

I'm not sleeping. I find myself actively avoiding going to sleep. I'm exhausted and a tired zombie all day long which does not help me to be a good Mommy and yet its 3 am and I'm not going to bed. Why?

Part of me says b/c its annoying to sleep with my husband lately. For the last couple months his sleep schedule has been massively disturbed and its really annoying to sleep with him b/c he tosses and turns and gets up and down and snores and talks and carries on. Except that he's actually getting better so thats a dumb excuse.

I did have a really really horrible dream a while back and its bothered me ever since and immediately afterwards i found myself avoiding sleep b/c I was afraid of that dream. But thats stupid cuz I'm a grown up and I haven't had a dream like that since then so we're okay really.

Part of me wonders if I'm using it as a procrastination technique. I'm too tired to function during the day is an excuse to not get things done then its not b/c I can't do them. or I don't know I'm rambling.

It could just be that I'm having a depressive episode, obviously not a full blown one b/c I'm still vertical and on anti depressants but this is the part that is seeping through. Thats a fairly likely possibility particularly given the stress level we've been under lately. Sleep disturbance has always been one of my biggest symptoms... And lately its like I can't sleep at all or I sleep for 14 hours. Its really annoying.

I dunno. I'm rambling again. I'm exhausted and need sleep and what I want to do is go find massive amounts of junk food, preferably chocolate/sugar based and watch crap on Netflix.... I think I'm going to at least try to sleep though. Maybe I'll get lucky and pass out.

I'm scared we're going to spend all our money with out meaning too and wind up screwed and broke b/c we're not working off a budget. But honestly when we had a budget its not like it was balanced much anyways. I need Adams help with this and he's worried about building his perfect house for his Sims.

And I have to get this website built and I know how to build a website and I know how to build a database. What I don't know how to do is front end a database with a website and in order to do that I need to know a few dozen other things that I really don't know and so I'm trying to figure them out as best I can. As quickly as I can and my crap sleep schedule is not helping the learning process.

And I'm scared to step on a scale. B/c last I checked I was the fattest I've ever been in my whole life and all that makes me want to do is eat a whole pan of brownies.

I can feel myself doing it again. When i get really freaked I have his nagging tendency to stick my head in the sand and pretend its not happening. Except I like do that with my whole life to avoid whats freaking me out. I don't like goign to sleep b/c it means dropping all my walls b/c I have to stop what I'm doing to unwind enough to sleep but unwinding lets the cap off of things and then I have to freak abotu them which makes me not sleepy so then I'm awake and I want to sleep except I can't b/c if I relax enough to sleep then I'll freak again and be awake again so tell me when the snake actually swallows its tale....

I'm on my period. I'm having a hot flash as we speak. Its probably all just the hormones talking. I should go eat chocolte o I can feel better except I shouldn't be if I do then I'll wind up being wider than I am tall and they'll have to burry me in a square box instead of a casket. And they'll do it sooner rather than later b/c fat people die young. And I'm going to wind up like sister so and so. And now I'm catastrophizing. Or I would be except that I don't have that much energy to put any real excitement into it.

And I wanna go on the cruise. I wanna go on Aunt Becky's Family Reunion Cruise REAL bad. And I wanna make it a girls trip. Like take my mom and sis and maybe Lois and Kaydee and Mary Ann. We'd have a friggin blast. Problem is that I'm having a really really hard time justifying the money. But I want to. But man thats alot of money. *sigh*

I have a love hate relationship with money. I love to spend it and I hate that everything requires it and it doesn't grow on trees and I never have enough of it. probably because I spend it. And you can either have money or stuff but you can't have both and money goes FAST. And if you spend it then its gone and youd on't have it anymore. Unless of course you have enough that you can live on interest only but then you have to have an ever living crap load of it to have that much AND the market has to be perfect or it all goes Buh Bye! Which blows. In none of the good ways.

My blog will never have followers unless the same people who like reality television decide to read it and then only maybe. Becuase I'm not funny I'm more emo angsty and the emo people tend to be more about their own emo-ess and not so much about other peoples. And maybe I should just be all, positive energy and not let any of it bother me but I definitely have some nice codependent issues and I really should be working on them so I can be rid of them but thats just one more thing I should be doing and I'm not.

And this is why I should watch netflix and eat crap so i don't think of crap like this.

And dang its way the frick hot in here. And I want to turn it down but I live in Phoenix AZ, aka ass crack of the world and it was 111+ degrees outside today and its 74 degrees in here so I really can't justify turning it down and in fact if I were a good person I'd have it set to like 85+ and be a nice little tree hugger. Except that if it were that hot I'd have  to actually strip naked in a vain attempt to stay cool and it would fail b/c Momma at that temp is too warm so then I'd be hot which means I'd be crabby and I'd ultimately wind up a buck naked fire breathing beotch and thats jut not considered a good parenting plan. *nods*

I'm exhausted but I don't want to sleep. I wish I were the person who can fall asleep sittimg up. I wish I didn't have to lay there for a while and think too much. I hate that.

And yes theres like 5 million typos in this one. Suck. It. up.

Cool Idea!

These two boys have a pretty cool, definitely green idea to help clean up the Gulf oil spill!

http://www.wimp.com/solutionoil/

You'd need a terrifying amount of hay and bunch of volunteers but it could work.

I'm a little stalker...

So I'm a huge fan of Aunt Becky and her blog: Mommy Wants Vodka (www.mommywantsvodka.com) and as such I of course feel the need to comment regularly (and amazingly she hasn't blocked me yet... go figure). So there was a "Go Ask Aunt Becky" on there today from a fellow Prankster who by the sound of things has some BAD post partum depression and she was asking if she should go to the doctor. 
Aunt Becky is thankfully wonderful and sane and highly recommended going to the doctor but I thought I'd add my two cents in as well in the comments.
Hey I'm a psych major and a wanna be therapist. I can't help myself. So just b/c I want to remember how I worded this later here's what I wrote:


Run, don't walk, RUN to the doctor! What you're feeling is 100% real and it is 100% fixable.  

Your brain is an organ. People for some reason forget that. People think that if their liver has a problem you should definitely go see a doctor and take some pills to fix it. But for some strange reason if your brain is having a problem then you should just get over it.  

You just had a baby. Your whole fricking body just got turned upside down and inside out and sometimes things don't always get reset back to normal like they should. Sometimes a lever gets stuck in the on position and instead of being in charge of how you feel its like you're stuck on a roller coaster and you can't get off. You're in the back seat of a car with no driver and you have no control.  

When you have depression its like your emotions aren't yours anymore. You want to be happy but you can't. Because normally you say "I want to be happy". You think of something happy and all these happy chemicals go firing away in your brain. Well when you're depressed, this neuron does not fire into that receptor like its supposed to. It either doesn't do it at all, or just randomly when it feels like it.  

Going to the doctor and getting a pill doesn't change who you are and it doesn't mean you are weak. What it means is the lever got stuck. So they give you a pill that flips it back on again so that YOU are in control. You decide when you want to be happy and when you want to be sad. You take it for 6 months to a year and odds are you taper off of it and the lever stays right where its supposed to be.  

Its kinda like you broke your arm, you have to set it, put a cast on it, it heals and then you take the cast off and you're fine. Would your arm heal with out the cast? Probably. Would it heal right? Maybe. Would it take longer to heal? Definitely. 

Depression is the same way - will you get better on your own? Maybe. But a normal course of depression is 6 months PLUS. With meds you can chop that down to feeling better inside of 6 weeks or less.  

6 weeks of misery vs 26+ weeks of misery.... I'm not a fan of suffering. Life is too short and you want to enjoy that baby.

I didn't include this next part in my original post but I do think its also good to know when you're thinking of PPD. 

PPD is a particularly scary form of depression because it can vary so widely in severity and the onset can be so sudden and left untreated can get SCARY bad. In range we're talking anything from very mild baby blues that can be hard to separate from the sleep deprivation all the way up to Andrea Yeates.

If you don't know who I'm talking about its because you didn't live in Houston a few years ago. Andrea had bad post partum depression. She also had like 6 kids under the age of 8 and home schooled ALL OF THEM. Her husband was apparently not the nicest of men and basically told her she needed to get over it and suck it up etc. Her post partum depression didn't get better. It got worse. She developed post partum psychosis and did what the voices told her to. She drown every last one of her children in the bath tub to "save them" and then laid them on the bed, covered them with a sheet and called her husband and the police.

The media followed that horrible, sad, twisted story for weeks. And that plus my Mom's career as a nurse/educator/lactation consultant specializing in Labor and Delivery, Post Partum and Lactation provided more than enough examples to convince me that PPD is very, very real and NOT something to mess around with.

Honestly the two things that scared me more than anything else having my first baby were SIDS and PPD b/c you can do everything right and they'll still find you. And if you're not very careful they're both life alteringly bad....

The Downside of Birthdays and Other Tales

I love my child and I have been THRILLED to celebrate his first birthday but I will say that right this moment its making me just a little bit twitchy. Mostly b/c his birthday has meant that many many new toys have entered our home. On the surface this sounds like a good thing and don't get me wrong I'm grateful for all the people who have bought wonderful gifts for my child.

The downside is that theres now about 5 million more little hard plastic things ALL OVER my floor. He's only 1 year old. He has not yet caught on to the idea of cleaning up after himself. If anything his goals seem to include making sure that every square inch of floor is evenly covered in toys. There should be no toys in containers, bins, on shelves, tables or in other places that might limit that toys ability to spread across the land. He even throws toys over the baby gates to give them a chance to roam far and abroad and bring him back tales of the rest of the house.

Add that to the fact that we bought a new fridge last week, which did not get delivered until Thursday but meant that I spent part of this week preparing for its delivery, to whit sawing off the bottom ledge of the cupboard over the fridge so that I would have room to fit my lovely new 2010 era fridge in my 1965 era kitchen. So that made a nice mess. And I do need to buy a palm sander and refinish the cabinets sooner rather than later now but whatever...

So the fridge gets here and we encounter problem #2. My genius self got so wrapped up in comparing fridge heights (the measurement I had the most problems with) I failed to carefully check the WIDTH on this fridge. Oooh yes. The opening from the WALL to the COUNTER was 35.5 inches. I neglected to consider the width from the BASEBOARD to the counter (only 35 inches) AND wait for it.... the fridge is 35 and 7/8ths inches wide. Oh yeah so even after I popped that section of baseboard off (they'll never know!!) I then had to bust out my lovely new jigsaw and hack off .75 inches of counter so that my fridge could just BARELY slide into its nice cozy new home. Yay it fits.

Problem #3. We didn't have a water line for our fancy pants new fridge with freezer. No worries! Wonder woman is here! I bought the water line kit, read the directions. Got ticked when they made no sense. Turned to my good friends Google and YouTube and found instructional videos on line which made MUCH more sense.

We then made the hubby clean out 2 cabinets and a drawer full of crap so that I could get in there to install said water line. Everything was fine and dandy. Got it all installed, tapped the existing line, turned it on, checked for leaks, tightened things up until it stopped leaking, cleaned up the mess.... and realized I tapped into the HOT water line and not the COLD water line. *head desk... repeatedly* I sat under there and figured out which was which and then I turned around and laid down under there with all those pipes and completely got turned around being upside down and back wards and tapped the wrong frigging pipe.

So then I frantically re-read the whole instruction manual and it appears the only problem a hot water line can cause is that the water from the dispenser will not necessarily be COLD when it comes out. I breathe a sigh of relief and go to "Prep the water system".

Problem #4: I have extremely low water pressure coming out of the fridge. Its like stand there for 5 minutes plus to half fill a glass of water. I have now gone through the entire Troubleshooting steps for this problem. There are no kinks in the line. The valves are all open. The water filter is installed properly. This means that I need to have a licensed plumber come out and check the water pressure on the line. My money is that having a water heater and a dishwasher screw up the pressure on the hot water line which is why there is jack for water pressure coming from my water dispenser.

I could, in theory, close the saddle valve on the hot water line, buy a new saddle valve and tap the cold water line and just move the line over to there. BUT my concern is that the saddle valve on the hot water side is not designed to be used as a shut off valve and so I'm worried it might leak. Also "closing" the line w/ the piercing saddle valve means putting that little spear in the middle of an already small tube. Is that gonna diss my water flow to my sink?

So my kitchen looks like a tornado hit thanks to stuff being EVERY WHERE courtesy of the kitchen remodeling we've been doing. My living room has also been hit by the bastard storm in the form of toys EVERYWHERE.

Oh and I've got people coming over tomorrow at 5 pm for Caleb's 4th and FINAL birthday party so it all has to get cleaned up by then. And my husband went to bed early tonight b/c he has a head ache and isn't feeling good. Oh and my shoulder hurts. Probably from trying to shove myself into tiny spaces to run the friggin water line o doom.

Random Post #23487

I just read a news story (courtesy of Eureka Times-Standard and ThisisTrue.com) ... apparently theres a really bad batch of LSD floating around Arcata, CA leading to a bunch of people calling the cops b/c of extreme craziness courtesy of the drugs. Their top example included a guy who called 911 after he castrated himself. Neither the cops or the paramedics could find the missing parts though to take with to the hospital. The guy finally got it together enough to tell them that he had flushed them down the toilet b/c they contained "monsters".

Yeah.... thats why I don't use drugs.

Also for the win was an FML yesterday from a dude who said "Today my wife changed her facebook status from "Married" to "Widowed". I'm scared. FML" After I stopped laughing I decided his wife was my kind of woman and then wondered what the bastage did. lol

Random Opinionatedness

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100602/ap_on_bi_ge/us_arizona_boycotts_california;_ylt=AgT1K53sqZbQZxiCGhPI2P2s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTQyMWh2cGswBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwNjAyL3VzX2FyaXpvbmFfYm95Y290dHNfY2FsaWZvcm5pYQRjY29kZQNtb3N0cG9wdWxhcgRjcG9zAzkEcG9zAzYEcHQDaG9tZV9jb2tlBHNlYwN5bl9oZWFkbGluZV9saXN0BHNsawNsYWNvdW50eWJveWM-


LA county boycotts Arizona... thats just fine. How about we start by keeping our power and our water? See how quickly things go south. Lemme know how you feel about that. 


Oh and before you go too much further about how we're breaking federal law how's about we discuss your laws on marijuana? Some how the reporters never come at these stories from this angle... 


But I'm just feeling mildly opinionated at the moment. 


Also because I am feeling like a little ray of sunshine - they're currently predicting a record hurricane season. Its all about how hot the Gulf gets and how early it gets there. Basically hot water makes for BIG storms and the last time the water was this hot this early was the year it blessed us with Katrina and Rita. So that looks NO BUENO folks. 


Add that to the giant gushing oil spill in the Gulf... best case scenario they have to abandon ship to take cover every time a storm goes through slowing them down by a few weeks. 


Worst case scenario.... I'm just theorizing here, but hurricanes move water. LOTS and lots of water. In fact when Hurrican Alicia came through Houston in 1980something they said she brought salt water as far inland as Katy (long butt way from the coast). 


Now just imagine oil laden water soaking the coast 100 miles inland. You don't just have to deal with the flooding, and the mud and the water and the wind damage, now you have big fat globs of crude splattered all over everywhere. 


Oh its gonna be funnnnnnn in the sun this summer! Oh and did I mention that my inlaws are spending the summer at their house in Florida while their house is being remodeled? Oh yeah. I'm praying they get lucky again and the storms skip their neighborhood. 


It could happen. 

Wow what a week...

So this last week was quite the roller coaster! We started off Monday by waking up and my minor cold that had been chewing on me for the last week went super nova and turned into the sinus infection - o - satan and was like messing with my ears or something so I had this weird vertigo experience every time I moved. So I called and begged and my sweet Aunt Lois came and saved the day by driving me to the doctors office. I didn't think driving my self while the world was spinning round was a good health practice.

It was a new Family Practice guy b/c we do NOT like Adam's GP. Adam's doc might be smart but his bedside manner leaves A LOT to be desired and since that matters to me and he's already at the top of the fricking planet and I'd like somebody closer thats two strikes and I'm done with him. SO! New doctor a friend of mine recommended. So far I really like him. Nice guy, nice office staff. Somebody in the group is a serious technophile cuz every doc and nurse there had a little baby lap top they carried around and did all their charting on. He took a looksy, did a strep culture (which thankfully was negative) and wrote me a scrit for some kick butt antibiotics.

By Tues morning I was feeling night and day better (I LOVE good drugs!) and we took Mr. Caleb to the Pediatrician for his 12 month check up. Mr. Caleb is doin' great and if you want all the stats I will be posting them to Fleipaper in coming days. Downside was that he got three shots and was more than slightly whiney and unhappy about that for the next several days. Tylenol helped but you could TELL when it was time for more b/c he just started screaming.

Tuesday morning also started off with Adam poking his head in the door while I was feeding Caleb breakfast and announcing that his car had a flat so he was going to take mine! And I was like NO! I need  it to take Caleb to his appt. SO we got to speed up the schedule that morning, drop Daddy off at work, and then get Caleb to his appointment, both a little late. Tues night we had AAA come and put the emergency spare on for us b/c I didn't feel like changing it and Adam's back was hurting him and well, thats what AAA gets paid for right?

Then we dropped the car off at Pepboys on Weds and of course the tired had a big fat nail in it too close to the edge so they had to replace it and the other was pretty worn and we'd already replaced the front two a few months ago so that was two new tires we weren't planning on buying.

Weds was also the day we got the news about Adam's job going to pot so that was an all around great day...

So then Thursday, I'd been saying that I was gonna wean Caleb off the bottles to the sippy cups sometime soon, and since I was officially out of clean bottles but I had clean sippy cups we decided there was no time like the present. O M G. It was AWFUL. Caleb strongly prefers the bottles. They're easier to drink out of and while he's taken sippy's before with out a problem when he decides he wants the bottle he pitches a fit. He screamed for 4 hours straight at one point. The very sight of the dread sippy was enough to make him hysterical. By the end the sight of me as well made him hysterical. I actually put in headphones and started watching a movie on netflix online just b/c he wanted me to hold him while he threw his tantrums and Mommy was starting to get a little suicidal.

By the time Daddy got home (late b/c he had a chiropractor appointment) Mommy was about to slit her own wrists. I handed him the kiddo and got myself ready to leave as fast as I possibly could and took off to run errands and didn't come back until after he was a sleep.

Caleb did wake up in the middle of the night Thurs night and I was terrified he'd have another melt down, but he took the sippy with out a problem and has happily taken them with out complaint ever since.

I don't ask why. I'm just grateful.

Friday morning I took 2 whole minutes to run into the kitchen to make Mr. Caleb his mid morning sippy cup and I came back in the living room and somehow he had the baby Tylenol. Don't ask me how he got it. Its usually kept in a baggie, in a drawer he can't even get to and couldn't open even if he can get to it. But somehow he had it, he got the child proof lid off that I have a hard time getting open, and had the bulb syringe in his mouth and the now empty bottle in his hand and a small puddle on the floor. The puddle wasn't big enough to account for the half bottle full I knew should have been in there.

Oh man, I FREAKED. I grabbed him and washed him off, mopped the puddle on the floor, mostly so he couldn't lick it up or something while I called Poison Control (who is now in my speed dial). Thankfully I knew his exact weight and roughly how much was in the bottle etc.

Turns out Mr. Caleb was just fine, maybe a little more sleepy than normal but otherwise fine. I did have to check on him every 15 mins while he was sleeping and if he hadn't moved then I had to tickle his feet until he did b/c if he was hard to wake then I was supposed to call 911. The Poison Control people were so nice and called to check on him a couple more times to make sure he was still okay.

I well and truly felt like the worlds worst mother. I initially didn't tell anybody other than Poison Control, my husband and my Mom, just b/c I felt so horrible. I still don't know how on earth he got the bottle and how he got the lid off. He's absolutely fine and theres no trace of any problems but it was a long scary day for me even though he was just fine and played normally.

Saturday was a good day. We got the house picked up and Adam went after the yard with the weed wacker again. Its looking almost civilized now.

Sunday was actually another good day, we went to church and I love watching Caleb interact with all the people there. Big, gruff men who don't usually talk much, at least to me, can't help but be charmed and turn into doting Grandpas with a twinkle in their eyes. :) Then we went out to Bill and Jo's and had a big, fun birthday party for Mr. Caleb with all Jo's family and that was a really great time.

Back around to Monday again and we had a nice quiet day of R&R here at home watching stuff on the Netflix instant play through the Wii and me experimenting with a new potato salad recipe and attempting to grill. We capped it off by taking advantage of the Memorial Day sales to snag a nice Whirlpool 25 cubic ft refrigerator for a slick $890 at Lowes with free delivery (its energy star rated too). I've been wanting a new fridge real bad b/c while the current one keeps ice frozen, it does NOT freeze ice cream hard. Its like gooshy and half melted and it ticks me off. But it was free and got us through our first year and a half in the house so I'm grateful for it. But not so grateful that I'm not gonna dump that thing like a bad habit. We also got one of those water line installation kits so I'm gonna put that in probably tonight so that its all ready when they come to deliver it on Thurs. I also snagged a jigsaw b/c I need to shave a half inch off the bottom lip of the cabinet over the fridge so the new fridge will fit in the space. So we'll be doing that tonight or tomorrow as well.

Long week, lots of ups and downs. But hey we survived. And I'm even starting to catch up on my blogging a little bit.