Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Don't mind me... I'm just talking to myself

So this post is going to be me rambling. I think I have a problem but I'm not exactly sure what that problem is. yes I know that sounds retarded or like I'm looking for trouble or something but it is what it is.

I'm not sleeping. I find myself actively avoiding going to sleep. I'm exhausted and a tired zombie all day long which does not help me to be a good Mommy and yet its 3 am and I'm not going to bed. Why?

Part of me says b/c its annoying to sleep with my husband lately. For the last couple months his sleep schedule has been massively disturbed and its really annoying to sleep with him b/c he tosses and turns and gets up and down and snores and talks and carries on. Except that he's actually getting better so thats a dumb excuse.

I did have a really really horrible dream a while back and its bothered me ever since and immediately afterwards i found myself avoiding sleep b/c I was afraid of that dream. But thats stupid cuz I'm a grown up and I haven't had a dream like that since then so we're okay really.

Part of me wonders if I'm using it as a procrastination technique. I'm too tired to function during the day is an excuse to not get things done then its not b/c I can't do them. or I don't know I'm rambling.

It could just be that I'm having a depressive episode, obviously not a full blown one b/c I'm still vertical and on anti depressants but this is the part that is seeping through. Thats a fairly likely possibility particularly given the stress level we've been under lately. Sleep disturbance has always been one of my biggest symptoms... And lately its like I can't sleep at all or I sleep for 14 hours. Its really annoying.

I dunno. I'm rambling again. I'm exhausted and need sleep and what I want to do is go find massive amounts of junk food, preferably chocolate/sugar based and watch crap on Netflix.... I think I'm going to at least try to sleep though. Maybe I'll get lucky and pass out.

I'm scared we're going to spend all our money with out meaning too and wind up screwed and broke b/c we're not working off a budget. But honestly when we had a budget its not like it was balanced much anyways. I need Adams help with this and he's worried about building his perfect house for his Sims.

And I have to get this website built and I know how to build a website and I know how to build a database. What I don't know how to do is front end a database with a website and in order to do that I need to know a few dozen other things that I really don't know and so I'm trying to figure them out as best I can. As quickly as I can and my crap sleep schedule is not helping the learning process.

And I'm scared to step on a scale. B/c last I checked I was the fattest I've ever been in my whole life and all that makes me want to do is eat a whole pan of brownies.

I can feel myself doing it again. When i get really freaked I have his nagging tendency to stick my head in the sand and pretend its not happening. Except I like do that with my whole life to avoid whats freaking me out. I don't like goign to sleep b/c it means dropping all my walls b/c I have to stop what I'm doing to unwind enough to sleep but unwinding lets the cap off of things and then I have to freak abotu them which makes me not sleepy so then I'm awake and I want to sleep except I can't b/c if I relax enough to sleep then I'll freak again and be awake again so tell me when the snake actually swallows its tale....

I'm on my period. I'm having a hot flash as we speak. Its probably all just the hormones talking. I should go eat chocolte o I can feel better except I shouldn't be if I do then I'll wind up being wider than I am tall and they'll have to burry me in a square box instead of a casket. And they'll do it sooner rather than later b/c fat people die young. And I'm going to wind up like sister so and so. And now I'm catastrophizing. Or I would be except that I don't have that much energy to put any real excitement into it.

And I wanna go on the cruise. I wanna go on Aunt Becky's Family Reunion Cruise REAL bad. And I wanna make it a girls trip. Like take my mom and sis and maybe Lois and Kaydee and Mary Ann. We'd have a friggin blast. Problem is that I'm having a really really hard time justifying the money. But I want to. But man thats alot of money. *sigh*

I have a love hate relationship with money. I love to spend it and I hate that everything requires it and it doesn't grow on trees and I never have enough of it. probably because I spend it. And you can either have money or stuff but you can't have both and money goes FAST. And if you spend it then its gone and youd on't have it anymore. Unless of course you have enough that you can live on interest only but then you have to have an ever living crap load of it to have that much AND the market has to be perfect or it all goes Buh Bye! Which blows. In none of the good ways.

My blog will never have followers unless the same people who like reality television decide to read it and then only maybe. Becuase I'm not funny I'm more emo angsty and the emo people tend to be more about their own emo-ess and not so much about other peoples. And maybe I should just be all, positive energy and not let any of it bother me but I definitely have some nice codependent issues and I really should be working on them so I can be rid of them but thats just one more thing I should be doing and I'm not.

And this is why I should watch netflix and eat crap so i don't think of crap like this.

And dang its way the frick hot in here. And I want to turn it down but I live in Phoenix AZ, aka ass crack of the world and it was 111+ degrees outside today and its 74 degrees in here so I really can't justify turning it down and in fact if I were a good person I'd have it set to like 85+ and be a nice little tree hugger. Except that if it were that hot I'd have  to actually strip naked in a vain attempt to stay cool and it would fail b/c Momma at that temp is too warm so then I'd be hot which means I'd be crabby and I'd ultimately wind up a buck naked fire breathing beotch and thats jut not considered a good parenting plan. *nods*

I'm exhausted but I don't want to sleep. I wish I were the person who can fall asleep sittimg up. I wish I didn't have to lay there for a while and think too much. I hate that.

And yes theres like 5 million typos in this one. Suck. It. up.

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