Thursday, June 24, 2010

Hope and other Fears

I'm debating if I should even bother trying to go to bed tonight. At this rate the only way I'll get any actual sleep is if I manage to pass out from exhaustion, which I have never yet managed so the odds are slim.

Tomorrow, or later today rather, is Caleb's hearing test. Even though he passed his new born screening because of my family history our doc wants to make doubly sure that Caleb's hearing is a-okay. I'm mostly confident that his hearing is just fine. BUT the gist of the matter is that if for some reason Caleb is uncooperative tomorrow or the test results are bad then they'll want to do the serious hearing test.

Its the big bad that tests all his nerves etc to test his hearing. Catch to that test is that it requires the subject to lay perfectly still with their eyes closed for up to an hour and a half. Which means that Caleb would DEFINITELY have to have general anesthesia. And the thought of doing that to my wee widget does NOT appeal to the Momma. Not one little bit.

So not only do I not want him to get stuck with my hearing loss I really, really don't wanna need to do that test. Is not okay.

And my fears about him being cooperative are increased because after sleeping for nearly two solid weeks from roughly 10 pm to 10 am (it was GLORIOUS I tell you) Mr. Caleb decided to wake up at 6:30 am yesterday, be crabby all day long and then passed out early, woke up again an hour ago and is finally back to sleep. This does not bode well for him being a happy, cooperative camper tomorrow.

I'll just need to pray real hard...

My other worry goes like this... I've been reading this book "Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads". Its written by nutritionist Christine Avanti and I really like her. She makes clear, logical, scientific sense. If what she's saying is accurate then I know exactly why I'm forever gaining weight, why I lose it and it comes right back and brings friends.

And this completely freaks me out and I'm getting to where I'm afraid to even try it or keep reading the book.

Because thats totally logical and rational I know.

At first I couldn't identify what makes me edgy about it. I kept having light bulb moments and ah-ha!s and feeling like she's dead right and then I started to freak. And at first I was like "oh sure. She's threatening me with meal planning and more cooking and I can't even get 2 brain cells in line as it is I'm supposed to add more too it?" and thinking that it must be too good to be true and there has to be some massive catch, but so far theres not....

And also change is a pain. Obviously what I do works for me or I wouldn't be doing it. But then again I'm fatter than I've ever been in my whole life so that really not the case here.

What scares me is that it makes me want to have hope again.

I recently gave up all hope of ever being skinny. I'd tried everything and none of it works. Or it does but I can't sustain it and then it just all comes right back and every single fricking time it brings friends. So I should just stop trying or I'm going to wind up weighing 300 pounds and thats not a way to live. Thats a way to die. So maybe if I just stop trying then I can just maintain and at least things won't get any worse right?

But if I get my hopes up and I try this..... what if it doesn't work? It was so depressing last time the hope died I really don't want to experience that again.

Maybe I'm being immature and stupid but this is how I feel and feelings are real even if they are stupid so they have to be dealt with. So this is me dealing. Mind purging for my nonexistant internet following.

I'm afraid to commit to trying. To get my hopes and dreams up. Because she says half the battle is mental and I have to get the mind in the game if I'm going to win so if I do this its whole hat. No dancing on the borders. I have to actually hope and believe I can be better, thinner, healthier than I am now.

And I'm afraid to dream that dream again.

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