Friday, September 17, 2010

Operation: Psycho Momma

So I think its a conspiracy. I think the kid's thought pattern goes like this:

Okay Its time for Step 1 of Plan: Push Mom OVER the Edge

For a solid week, any night that Mom hasn't gotten to bed early, wait until Mom has JUST gotten really comfortable and is falling asleep. THEN begin screaming. Now I know this is old school and she thought we were over this by the time we were 6 months old but we're bringing back the classic. But with a twist....

We're gonna scream good and loud for 5 mins and then we're gonna pretend we've crashed back out. We're gonna be quiet JUST long enough that she starts to relax again and think we've gone back to sleep and then we're gonna start screaming AGAIN. Only this time its going to be louder. Repeat this procedure 2-3 times for maximum effect until she surrenders and comes for us.

Step 2: She comes and gets us, initially refuse to be consoled. Thats right scream, writhe, carry on. Make the obligatory diaper change as difficult as possible.

Step 3: Okay post diaper change I want you to start to quiet down. Initially accept the sippy and calm down. But if she does anything other than exactly what you want be sure to prod her in the right direction with a ear splitting scream. Bonus points if you get it in the ear on the same side as her migraine.

Step 4: After pretending to be consoled for several minutes, strenuously object to something. Preferably something minor like her changing her breathing patterns or adjusting a pillow on the other end of the couch.

Step 5: Blow this final fit completely out of proportion. Refuse all consolation. Freak out so bad she has to put you on the ground to stop you hitting her face. Later run the other way when she tries to pick you back up but then throw yourself on the floor and scream if she gives up and walks away.

Bonus points awarded for inhuman banshee screams.

Double bonus points if you can keep up Step 5 for more than 15 mins.

Triple bonus points if you can keep up steps 3-5 for 45 minutes or more.

Step 6: Don't forget when she finally gets you to bed strenuously object as long as possible with a round of your very best banshee screams.

Step 7: Make sure you don't sleep in the next morning. Its going to take her a bit to unwind and get back to sleep after the tension and self control required to not kill you. Use this to your best advantage by not sleeping in at all the next morning. You want her up bright and early for maximum damage.

Yup.... I think that just about sums up my week. Dang near word for word what happened this evening....