Fire Storm

Fair warning: I'm going to get religious at points in this post because I can't express my thoughts here with out doing so. Suck it up. Or don't read it.

So I inadvertently started a fire storm on Facebook today. In fact, my post was "flagged for review because of reported abusive content." Ready for the post?

I do realize I'm saying this from the comfortable position of being able to have children, but I don't understand the people that spend tens of thousands of dollars on elaborate procedures to get pregnant when there are millions of children through out the world that need homes and families to love them. The kids are all on loan from Heavenly Father so I don't see why the route they take to get there matters so much.

Yeah. That was it. 

I got people going off about how I just don't understand b/c I have kids and its the most painful thing ever to be told that you cannot have children. 

Um.... unless I'm much mistaken I did in fact start by stating that I don't understand because I have a kid. I get that. I do not know how you feel. There is only one person that does and that person is Jesus Christ, not me. 

Also I never said being told you can't have children isn't painful. I, in no way, shape or form meant to belittle, negate, or ignore that infertility is a very painful issue. In fact I am well aware that it is an acutely sensitive topic because it is such a painful thing for many women. 

And no I don't really know what that feels like. I did have some trouble getting pregnant. Most of the women in my family are bunny rabbits who get pregnant if their husband looks at them funny and it took me 6 long months of trying to get pregnant. I remember starting my period and crying and feeling like I had somehow failed. There were 14 pregnant women in my congregation at church, not including the family, and friends that were popping out babies left and right. Yes, it sucked big time to not be pregnant when I so desperately wanted to be pregnant. 

So no I do not know how you feel. I have no fricking clue. I have the tiniest inkling of empathy for your situation because of my experience I just related but no I don't know how it feels. I only know that I always said that if I couldn't have kids that I would just adopt them and that even if I can have kids I'll probably try to adopt a few anyways. 

I am also aware that there are many reasons why people go the fertility route instead of the adoption route. Some people desperately want the experience of pregnancy, although I really can't fathom why. I mean seriously I really don't get the people that are all about the "wonder and joy of feeling a life growing inside you." I'm not trying to mock or make fun but I never got that. It was cool to feel the baby move, mostly b/c it was a really, seriously weird, never felt anything like that sensation but after the initial thrill, it got REAL old. And real painful. I couldn't wish it would stop because then I would freak out because he's supposed to move on a regular basis or it means something is wrong. 

For me, pregnancy was all about puking, and pain, and exhaustion and worry. I mean gut wrenching fear that something would go wrong, that the baby wasn't going to be okay. That I would do something wrong that would screw up the kid, that somehow I'd lose my baby before he ever even got here. Half of me wishing like hell that he'd stop kicking because it hurt so bad and the other half desperately needing him to kick me again so I'd know he was okay. 

Don't get me wrong. I have always wanted to be a mother. I adore my baby boy. He is the light of the world and he's worth a trip to hell and back to have him here. But I also feel deep in my heart that giving birth does not make you a mother. I don't think that is the case anymore than being a sperm donor makes you a father. Being a mother is about loving your child every single day and raising them the way Heavenly Father would have them raised to the very best of your ability for the rest of your life. 

I think the fact that I try my darndest to do just that makes me a mother and that is the part that I find joy and rejoicing in. Not the fact that I managed to pop out a kid. 

I also got told about how expensive adoption is and while I'm aware that some routes cost tons of money, there are routes such as foster care that are very affordable, to which it was responded that then you go through the heart break of attachment to these kids who can get taken away from you over and over and you may go years with out being able to adopt. 

And my first thought there is: is it so terrible to be a bright spot in a terrible time in the life of a child? 

I was a missionary, and as a missionary, you have a responsibility for the welfare of the souls of every single person in your assigned area. And in order to have a prayer of reaching them and teaching them you have to genuinely love them with every last fiber of your being. It does mean when you inevitably leave that area that you leave part of your heart behind. You get your heart ripped out every single time I promise you, but this is your one and only chance and you will never forgive yourself if you don't give it your everything. 

So you get this kid, and you might get to keep them, but you might not. But either way the child and you can only benefit if you love them with your whole heart, knowing that it might hurt in the end. 

I have a cousin who has a couple kids and has adopted a few kids, but has intentionally keeps a spot open in their home for one more foster kid, knowing that they won't be able to keep these babies that they fall in love with. And they do it so that they can have a positive influence in the life of a child. So that they can offer safe shelter and loving arms to many children. 

I think that they're amazing and wonderful for doing it. 

I then got told how horrible it is to have to sit and wait on an adoption list in the hopes that somebody picks you and having your heart broken when they change their minds. Yes, my heart does ache for those mothers who wait for children to love. I ache for those who have their hopes raised and dashed. But the thing that I do know, is that when they do get "picked" it is God that picks them. That child is their baby, meant for them by their Heavenly Father. They are the family that sweet spirit is meant to be with. 

It is my firm belief that whatever God wants to happen will happen. And he knows what experiences you need to have to learn and grow and progress. And yes some of those experiences seriously suck. And they hurt. And they're no fun at all. But I testify that if you are supposed to have the experience of being a parent in this life, then it will happen in the time and the way that God wants it to happen.

I'll also take a moment to note that once again I'm not saying the fertility route is wrong or that you're bad if you go that way. I think that as long as you have prayed about it and got an answer then go forth and do as the Lord has commanded you. If he says adopt do it. If he says go fertility then do it. 

Honestly, the only way I can "get there" on the fertility route is if thats the answer you got when you prayed. 

If you're not religious, then I don't get it. Not judging, just saying that from my whole point in my initial facebook post was that cognitively, I did not understand the people that chose that particular route when there are other children that need homes.   

The last group, I didn't have pointed out to me, but I am aware they exist and these are the ones I don't understand the most. There are those who believe that "blood" matters. That the kid isn't really "yours" if it doesn't share half your DNA. They desperately try to have a baby because they don't feel they can accept "someone else's kid" as their own. 

And when faced with that thought, I start to sputter and my brain kinda melts a little. Part of me goes back to "giving birth doesn't make you a mommy," therefore "motherhood" is an act that takes a life time of dedication, and its that amazing dedication and love that "gives" you the right to make a decision in the life of a child (the legal system would hate me), so you might have given birth to this kid, but that doesn't make you its "Mommy". Being their "Mommy" is something you earn through sleep deprivation and a million poopie diapers and cuddles and kisses and loves and not killing them even though sometimes it might just be tempting. 

I guess what I'm saying is that if giving birth doesn't make you Mommy, that it is your actions afterwards that make you Mommy, then what does it matter who the biological It is? Being a mother is about being selfless, to give your all for that child. That is the mother heart. That is the goal. That is where the joy comes from. Not from being capable of a basic biological function that practically every mammal on the planet can do. 

And now I'm going to go off on another random tangent topic b/c my brain train has taken me there. 

I was in a Institute class (bible study for college students) on marriage once and they were discussing kids and birth control. And one of the guys says "I think that if God gives you the child then he'll make a way for you to take care of it," as his argument against birth control. 

To which I had to respond: "I think that you shouldn't confuse God and biology." Because basically, yes, if you have prayed about it and feel strongly that now is the time to have a baby, then go for it and God will make a way for you to be able to take care of this kid. BUT God gives babies to teenagers, and child abusers and prostitutes. He allows us the natural consequences of our actions. He gave us intelligence that we can figure out where babies come from. And then if we chose to follow that path he will allow nature to take its course. 

So please, use your brain, and a contraceptive because unless you're actively preventing pregnancy, you are trying to get pregnant. 

And now I'm going to stop because otherwise I think blogger will melt. 

Random Thought Addendum

I have to deal with my issues. Because any issues you fail to deal with you pass on to your kids. Almost all of my issues are inherited ones. I might twist them and make them my own but they're based in issues that my parents had. Not blaming, just explaining. You're a product of your environment. You can chose not to be, but thats where you start.

This is not to say that I think that if I deal with all my issues then my kids will have none. Not at all, I'm quite sure they can come up with their own nice big icky set of issues. But I'd prefer not to gift wrap them and bury the kid up to his neck in my issues.

Because my issues suck.

So we need to work on them or risk passing them to the kid.

Suck.

Random Post #092834

My rose bush has leaves on it! Yay! This means we didn't actually kill it when we dug it up, transplanted it and pruned it. I have high hopes it might actually BLOOM this year!

Its pathetic I know, but it makes me happy and right now theres not a lot of happy for reasons I may or may not go into so you get to hear about my stupid rose bush for right now.

I've also decided to teach the kiddo baby sign. The primary reason for this is that I think a lot of the "terrible twos" (which usually don't wait until 2 to start but whatever) are b/c the kid gets frustrated b/c he can't talk and you're not telepathic so the only thing he can do to express himself is scream. And screaming and I don't really mix well.

So we shall endeavor to teach the kid baby sign in the hopes that we can avoid some of the screaming by allowing the kid to hopefully tell me what the frick is wrong and he wants/needs/likes/dislikes/whatever.

So as part of our efforts in this direction we went to the library today and checked out books and a couple dvds. I think I'm basically going to review all the materials and then which ever one makes the most sense to me is the one we'll run with.

So I really, really need to start working out on a regular (as in like 5+ times a week) basis. But right now one of the big thing stopping me is the fear of pain. Right now, if I do any thing major it hurts. And I'm not supposed to take advil (my go to drug for joint pain) more than a couple times a month b/c blah-blah-blah-my-neurologist-says-not-to.

So to work out with out pain I need to lose weight, as in like probably at least 50 pounds. And losing 50 pounds with out working out is mostly likely NOT going to happen in my world.

So (and yes I'm saying "so" wayyyy too much. Suck it up.) I'm not sure what the frick to do about it.

Yoga depresses me right now because I'm so fat I can't do the poses I want to do, not because I lack strength or flexibility but because my fat gets in the way. I can't run, dance, climb etc because of my screwed up joints. I'm retarded at any sport that involves balls. So I'm stuck with say the elliptical machine, weights and swimming and swimming requires getting into a swimsuit in front of other people (and if you thought yoga was depressing when you're fat) and elliptical is boring. But really either of those require a trip to the gym and I'm not quite sure when/how I have time for that.

So this is me and my mile long list of excuses and I'm going to wind up f-ing myself over and dying young because my fat butt can't find a way to work out.

No I don't have an attitude problem right now so you can shut the f up and leave me the hell alone.

And right now I'd like to restate that God knew what he was doing when he gave me a son. Because I grew up thinking that men were evil. Men were pigs. Men are fill-in-the-blank-negative-thing-here. In hindsight its almost kinda odd I didn't go lesbian with the level of man-hate I had goin.

We've gotten much better about this over the years and my mission really helped leaps and bounds, but once in a while we have cause to whole-heartedly embrace the man hate. Only now I've got a problem. I have that sweet wonderful angel boy, who makes my heart smile and I cannot possibly call him evil. And so I'm constantly forced to remind myself and stop short of man bashing because he is wonderful. And I don't want him to grow up thinking that men are evil, therefore he is evil. Because he is wonderful and one of my goals in life is to tell that little angel boy every single day of my life that he IS wonderful. Even if he makes bad choices, that does not diminish the fact that he is still wonderful and amazing and the light of my universe.

And so I can't just blanket hate on men anymore. I can hate when they make bad choices. But they're not inherently evil anymore.

Ya know I should have known it would be something big. Never in my life have the challenges been the little ones. I know people that seem to go through life and their idea of a painful challenge makes me laugh and go "You're sh*ttin' me right?"

No, my life it has to be major nasty things like cancer, and addictions and mental health issues (major kind).

So I should have known better than to think that just because I know rock solid, core of my soul that fill-in-the-blank was supposed to happen that it would be anything remotely easy or problem free. It was so obviously the thing I was supposed to do and the fit was so perfect that there had to be one big fricking helluva catch.

And of course there is. And it sucks.

And of all the catches it had to be this.

And it hurts and I'm tired of it hurting. It goes so well for so long and then wham. When you least expect it.

I probably shouldn't write right now

Because my mommy taught me growing up that if you can't say something nice you shouldn't say anything at all.

What a load of crap.

That ranks right up there with what I consider to be one of the most masterful lies ever: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me".

Bull spit.

In fact theres lots of good research out there that indicates the complete opposite. For example, victims of rape, years after the trauma are typically haunted not by what their attacker did but by the things that they said while they did it. Child abuse victims report the same. The actions are almost immaterial in comparison to the words. Its the words that f you over in the head long term. Your body heals much quicker and more completely than the psyche.

So please, don't ever tell a child that lie. Its a load of crap. I mean yes there is something to be said for "they can't get your goat if they don't know where its tied" but to be honest - nobody should be hunting your damn goat to begin with! So yes, tell the hunted not to give the goat hunter the gratification but that doesn't mean you shouldn't call out the goat hunter for being a little chit.

I mean yes, I did seriously screw with my sisters head as a kid (I had her convinced that she was adopted, that we were vampires and fattening her up to eat her) but that doesn't really make it okay. I mean she'd probably be a bit less twitchy if I hadn't tortured her as a child. (Although I'd like to think what I did do was prepare her for the real world and she's now less twitchy than she would be if I hadn't desensitized her *nods vigorously*). But I digress...

Or rather I don't because you can't digress if you don't really have a point and right now what we have is random rambling.

I'm frustrated because thanks to tax stuff I will have a small amount of money. What I should do is be responsible and pay off doctors bills and credit cards and crap. What I want to do is buy a couch that is not ghetto and holey. I want to buy a refrigerator with a freezer that actually freezes ice cream hard instead of super soft, on the verge of going soupy when you pull it out. In a perfect world, I'd like to buy a new TV and entertainment center. Or at least the entertainment center so the tv is out of reach of the wee one (he discovered the tv this week. Its only a matter of time before toys get shoved in the VCR...).

What I'm going to wind up doing with the money is looking more like: pay off the credit card, pay off my OB-GYN (I'd tell her to shove it but I actually like my doctor and want to be able to see her again), take the kittens to the vet (they've never gotten their 1 year shots b/c I've been too broke to pay for it, and I can only sleep at night because of the knowledge that they're indoor only cats so their risk is minimal), replace Adam's computer (because it died - although I really can't say I'm sad about it dying...), we'll then get to do the EXCITING thing and replace two tires on the car and then maybe just maybe if I'm lucky we can get a cheap couch from IKEA.

Being a grown up sucks sometimes. I'm so jealous of my sister right now. The fricking over achiever that she is is finally debt free so they got to take their tax money and go buy a nice new big flat screen tv and lovely new entertainment center. Bastid.

I mean me and my 20 inch giant box o doom are okay. We'll make it through, but I really hate the little black, beat to death, hand me down, survived my husbands college days tv stand we've got. And the pretty one I want is only like 270 from IKEA.... *sigh*

We'll see. Maybe the crappy grown up stuff won't cost as much as I think it will and we can get one or two more fun things that I actually want to get.

But hey I at least have money to complain about. That NEVER happens to me.

---

So yesterday went well. We enacted Phase 1 of the Final Epic Battle in the Reorg the House Wars. It went really really well. All of the last bastions of random crap through out the WHOLE HOUSE were rooted out and are now awaiting processing in a line in the hall way leading up to the office door. We were able to rally the troops in the office and began processing beginning with the biggest heap, the green laundry basket-o-doom and made it ALL the way through there! Yeah baby, I really am that good.

Today we accomplished exactly jack crap  because today I'm super ultra tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open so I took at nap at like 8 pm this evening, which is probably why its 2 am and I'm just now getting sleepy (its not my fault, the idiot FedEx man range the doorbell and woke the baby up too early from our morning nap!).

We'd tell the FedEx man to burn in a firey hell for all eternity for waking the baby except that he brought me my last birthday present from my Mommy. And its so full of the awesomeness that we have to cut him some slack.

So basically for like a year I was drooling over this pair of Dansko sandals (we can't wear cheap shoes non-orthotic shoes anymore b/c of the screwed up ankles and knees), but I can't afford refuse to pay full price for those things cuz they're EXPENSIVE and they didn't have them on the outlet website (or they did but only in hooker red and I can't afford enough pairs of these fricking expensive shoes that I can get them in hooker red. I have to stick to more like brown. And black....).

BUT so my mom was begging me to tell her what I wanted for my birthday (apparently the world peace and a pony I had initially suggested weren't thrilling her) I went and looked at the Dansko Outlet site just for the heck of it and what to my wondering eyes should appear but the sandals I've been dreaming of in just the color I wanted (black)!! So we included the sandals-o-wonder in our new expanded birthday wish list to Mommy and apparently, good fairies that she and my Dad are, they granted my wish and I now have happy feets. :D

---

Why is it always easier to point out what somebody else needs to do to fix their problems than it is to fix your own? I mean I know I need to fix x, y and z. I even know how to fix x & y. But for this, that and the other reasons I'm not fixing them or not doing everything I can to fix them or some such thing.

But its very easy to get really ticked off at somebody else for not doing a, b and c. And I can feel totally justified in doing it because clearly they're the one with the serious issue. Yes mine will cause issue long term if not dealt with, but I'm going to deal with it. But theirs will cause the chit to hit the fan-eth like right now and have massive long term consequences if they DON'T deal with a, b and c. And yes they've made a lot of progress on A, and done good but now they've like stalled out and they've dropped B & C all together and I can tell you there ain't no way in hell they're ever going to finish A if they don't do B & C.

But when I pointed this out to them today it didn't go over well. And I know that if I don't want to wind up as a co-dependent nut case, I'm not supposed to attempt to control their efforts in A, B or C. But ... sometimes I just really feel like they need a swift kick in the head to make them realize whats happening, and its an important person and relationship to me and if A, B & C don't happen then that relationship will go down the crapper which will make me very sad. But ultimately I have no control over the other person.

It needs to be pointed out that B & C have hit the floor b/c I'm not sure that they're observant enough to notice for a while. And I think I'm probably the only person in the position to notice it. BUT I'm also not supposed to control/push/etc. Its hard to find the balance between the two.

And some would argue that I shouldn't even pay attention to it at all and just focus on juggling my own dang balls.

Whatever.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

We have achieved BUSINESS CARD!!!!

OH my GOSH! I am not sure I can express how happy it makes me to finally have one that MAKES ME HAPPY. I've had these stupid business cards on my to do list for MONTHS now and I've picked at it and picked at it and picked at it and couldn't put one together that made me happy. And I've come close and killed more hours than I care to think about trying to get something put together but just haven't managed it yet. I'm an artist. What my card looks like MATTERS.

And I did it! I FINALLY did it. And I LOVE it. I don't even care if every other person on the planet hates it because I LOVE it and I think its PERFECT.

And its just such a massive relief to FINALLY have that done. I feel so, so much better about life!

In other news today we got tests results back: I'm anemic. Not diabetic. Iron deficient anemia to be exact. However, while my blood sugar stuff came back in the normal range its all at the TOP of the normal range so basically I need to repent and do better or I will wind up diabetic. Which would suck. So I vote we're going to have to start exercising regularly some way some how or we'll be very sorry. I've got to find something that works. Or they'll take away my chocolate. And I'm not sure we can continue with life if they take the chocolate so we have to do something. Soon.

Good news is, a couple weeks of iron tablets and I should be feeling better on the anemia front which might give me enough mojo to work out.

Also I realize its completely superficial and worldly etc, but its goofy how incredibly happy I am about this piece of furniture. Basically I want this big gorgeous entertainment set up from IKEA but of course I can't afford to buy it outright. But I really needed one of the side cabinets (basically big book case with doors that are glass on the top half, wood on the bottom) so that I can put all the dvds and stuff inside of it and close the doors and keep it safe from the wee one. Well the mother in law told me to pick what we wanted for christmas - the cabinet or shutters for the front of the house and we went with cabinet and its taken a bit to get the thing b/c of this that and the other but we finally got it and I got it all put together and set up and everything and it is SO PRETTY. I mean WOW.

And its just really, really nice to have one piece of furniture in my house that is exactly what I want. Not kinda sorta, not would be okay/good if I refinished it, not okay for now, hand-me-down etc. Its not that I'm not extremely grateful for the things I do have and for all the very generous family members who have given me good quality hand-me-downs. Its just really nice to have something that is EXACTLY what I want. And its classic and beautiful and I'll love it forever. *blissful sigh*

Happy Birthday to ME!

So today was my birthday, and I have to say it was a really, really wonderful birthday. Just wonderful. Last night at like 10:30 pm my hubby (who had gone shopping earlier in the evening) came in the room and said "We're in Florida." I was more than slightly confused and responded with "What??" Adam returned, "We're in Florida, therefore its after midnight so its your birthday! Happy Birthday! You can open some of your presents now!" lol

You must know that my husband is the biggest goof about giving presents. He's like a little kid that knows a secret and the second he gets the present he wants to give it to me. He's kinda like that kid with ants in his pants all christmas season cuz the presents under the tree are taunting him and he wants to open them so bad he can hardly stand it.... only opposite. He wants ME to open my present so bad he can hardly stand it. He's totally cool to wait almost forever for his own presents but by golly he wants me to open things ASAP. Its really funny. We've had to have chats about how I like to have a surprise to anticipate and something to open on the day of whatever event we're celebrating. I guess its just how I was raised.

So basically his compromise was to make my presents a two parter so that he could give part to me Weds nite and the rest on Thurs, my actual birthday. lol. So basically my presents Thursday evening, were a gift certificate for a one pound box of See's Candies (LOVE it), a very cute, funny, thoughtful card and a handheld massaging shower head for the shower. :D I've wanted one very desperately since he and I really enjoyed the one at my folks house. Needless to say I was absolutely delighted with my presents.

The kiddo even went to bed at 10 pm and slept until 830 am Weds nite/Thurs morning. AND Caleb took a 3 hour nap on Thursday so I was all sorts of thrilled. Then my friend Breonna bought me lunch from one of my favorite places. After that my friend Jayne dropped by with the most gorgeous pale pink miniature rose bush.

And then my friend Lynn and Kathleen dropped by with a very sweet card, a gorgeous necklace and an even sweeter, ultra decadent, absolutely beautiful, amazingly tasty chocolate cake. And I am a serious cake snob. Okay well pretty much baked goods in general. I generally won't even bother buying them from the store b/c to be honest - they're just not worth eating b/c mine are better. Yes this is one of the areas where the claims that I'm an arrogant beotch are true but I come from a long line of amazing cooks and if its not worth eating .... why eat it?

But so this cake, oh my gosh good. I mean WOW. It was ultra light, ultra dark layers of chocolate cake with frosting that was more like a very light, rich chocolate mousse. It was amazing. And it had strawberries and blueberries and raspberries on the top and lots of chocolate curls and like sheets of dark chocolate - that had white chocolate hearts drawn in it, wrapped clear around it and the most perfect red ribbon and bow. It was just a beautiful piece of edible art that tasted even better than it looked.

It's a little local bakery - Honey Moon Sweets Bakery in Tempe, AZ. Google it and check it out. You can send me a thank you note after you have experienced it.

So after amazing chocolate cake, my hubby came home and he cleaned up the living room and I finished putting the doors on the new book case, which looks even better than I could have ever hoped and I am so in love with this piece of furniture (I'll blab more about this later) and then the hubby got me chinese food take out and we watched Bones and I got lots of wonderful phone calls from all manner of family members all through out the day and I got a book I wanted (Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett) in the mail as a gift from my folks, and I'm told I have another package on the way from them. And my sweet hubby gave me my second part of my birthday presents- Season 3 of Bones (which is my current addiction) so I'm way excited to watch that.

And I got a record breaking number of birthday wishes on Facebook from lots and lots of friends and loved ones.

And all in all it was an amazing day. I'm so happy and so blessed.

Today was a good day

The Coo Bucket was remarkably cute and adorable (even for him) all day today. He took nice long naps and was generally sweet and lovey. I'm fairly confident that I have succeeded in at least one aspect of parenting, thus far: namely I believe that he is very securely attached. I mean this is the psychological sense. Basically the experiment goes: Mommy leaves the room, you watch the kids reaction, after a while Mommy comes back in the room, you watch the kid's reaction. You want the reactions to be roughly: kid is distressed but settles after a bit when Mommy leaves, when Mommy comes back, child should be happy and excited to get to Mommy. If kid FREAKS and will NOT calm down when mom leaves, or is HAPPY to see her go, or is unhappy/indifferent to Mommy's return its generally not so much a good thing.

Generally, if I have him distracted well enough he might fuss for a few seconds when I leave the room, but then he'll play okay when I'm gone. I have to peek in on him repeatedly when doing dishes or what not to make sure he's not getting into anything but I have to make sure I'm not seen b/c if I am and I don't come in and pick him up, it is not okay. And when I do come back in the room, he notices and gets very excited and comes cooing and laughing as quickly as his little self can get there and then he'll grab my pants to pull himself up if I don't pick him up fast enough to suit him.

Its REALLY REALLY cute. It makes me feel VERY loved.

I took a nap during his first nap and then for his long afternoon nap I took the baby monitor with me and went and worked on the yard. I have hopes that maybe just maybe I won't have the ugliest yard on the block forever. Although daily I discover that I wish I had MORE TOOLS. I need a leaf rake, and a flat edged shovel, and a hand trowel and a wheel barrow. Man oh man, what I wouldn't give for a wheel barrow. And while this might sound odd - a snow shovel would be handy. Mostly b/c of all the wild little cactus parts under the chain fruit cholla in the front. I could also use a pair of pruning shears. I've got lopers, and hedge trimmers now but I need fine detail pruning shears.

I could also do with a dump truck load of top soil, a load of rocks (like stones the size of a bread boule), and a couple dump trucks of gravel for the front and sides. An automatic watering system could be good too.

A girl can dream right?

I even managed to get some work done on business card layouts (mostly found a bunch of designs that don't quite work...) and I did some cleaning and reorganizing on the office and hall closet. Slowly but surely we shall conquer the filth and then it won't forever be threatening to take over my house. Or at least it will be easier to beat into submission when it does threaten.

The older I get the more of a believer I become in the "a place for everything and everything in its place" philosophy. Its just SO much easier to clean things when they have a place to go. I mean really this shouldn't be this novel a concept but theres just so much stuff and it just sort of accumulates and then when you want to clean and declutter, all the Stuff has to go some where so you just sort of shove it or stack it, or pile it or stash it away "to deal with later". And somehow later almost never comes and you're left with Stuff overflowing and oozing out from under and over and around. So basically the new laws are thus:

1. A place for EVERYTHING and everything IN ITS PLACE.

2. If It doesn't have a Place, It may NOT continue its existence in my universe. It may be donated, sold, recycled or thrown out but it MAY NOT STAY.

I think the biggest slow down to my progress in this matter at the moment is that I can't seem to visualize how its all going to fit in the office once I've actually got it done. I can see most of the living room and practically ALL of the dining room/kitchen/bedroom/bathroom etc. But I'm having trouble seeing the final organization scheme for the office. Its sort of vexing. Maybe sketching would help.... or perhaps I need to just sit in there and visualize for a bit... I dunno. We'll ponder. But we do kinda need to get the pondering rear in gear if we're gonna get this done some time this ice age.

And I really wanna get it done this ice age, b/c I'm not allowed to paint until I get the office put together. Once the office is together then we can start painting. But we're not going to open that can of worms until the current monster is laid to rest. So Office, THEN paint!! And I wanna paint REAL bad. :)

You probably don't want to know

But I'm going to tell you anyways because I over share and its bothering me and I need to talk to somebody and everybody I know who wouldn't be squicked is asleep.

So a week ago, completely out of the blue I got a yeast infection. I like NEVER get yeast infections. I had them a fair bit as a little girl but that was because I got ear infections all the time and the antibiotics would give me yeast infections.

And in like the last 10 years I've had maybe 2 yeast infections, always after a major course of antibiotics.

But last week I got one. Out of the blue. Itchy, red, the white stuff, the whole bit. And I'm like what the heck?? But so I go to the drug store, buy myself some monostat or whatever its called and voila, by the next day we're feeling MUCH better about life.

So today, I start itching again, by tonight its bad. I look, its back. WHAT THE HECK??? There is something really wrong with my body. I don't know what it is but I've been feeling kind of off for the last little bit and I've started having more migraines and I've been seriously hormonal and I just figured it was my stress level getting to me and I figured the cheap CoQ10 I got instead of the good stuff I usually get wasn't working as well for my migraines but now I'm starting to wonder.

According to the interwebs (because we know they are the source of all light and wisdom) the most common causes of repeated yeast infections are: Pregnancy (which I most definitely am not, and I didn't have them when I was pregnant with Caleb either way), HIV (which I most certainly DO NOT have), and diabetes.

The first time I read the diabetes I went, "Well thats not it". And now after re-reading the symptom list... I'm not so sure. It runs in the family and I'm fat so thats two strikes. But all my blood work when I was pregnant came back great so .... but symptoms include increased appetite and I've been eating a lot lately, and having serious munchie cravings and I thought I was just having issues with stress but what if thats not it?

Also it says increased thirst, dry mouth and urination. Well I pee all the time anyways, and I drink more water than any two people I know, standard, and I live in Phoenix so my dry mouth should be totally normal. But the thing is that I've been really thirsty lately, and I've had to pee all the time (I figured b/c I've been drinking more). And sitting here right now even though I've had several large glasses of water today (read like at least a half dozen BIG 32 oz glasses of water, plus milk) my mouth is like cotton mouth dry.

This is probably because I live in Phoenix, but what if its not. Other symptoms are tingling arms/feet/legs. Well my arms are fine unless I sleep on them funny, but I have been having some uncomfortable tingling/twinging/discomfort in my legs lately. Especially at night. I was wondering if I was developing that "restless leg syndrome" thing.

Unexplained weight loss is a common symptom and while I DEFINITELY haven't had that lovely experience, recent weight gain is another common one and I've recently gained back ALL the weight I lost when I was pregnant so theres another flag.

I've got the fatigue bit, not as bad as when I was pregnant, but I figure thats because I'm a mother and I have sleep issues.

Oh and another symptom is headaches and I've been having more of those lately. Could be cheap CoQ10, could be diabetes.

So theres a lot of possible coincidences here but if I'm really honest and don't just go "well yes, BUT..." I check off 11 of the 17 listed possible symptoms on WebMD.

Frick. I really, really, really don't want diabetes. That would seriously suck and completely diss my lifestyle.

And I can tell you right now that even if I shape up and be a good girl and lose weight etc, if that doesn't fix it and I wind up with full blown diabetes, I am SOOOOO not eating that sugar free crap. I'd rather just stab myself a few extra times and have a bite or two of REAL chocolate cake than live a life with "sugar free chocolate".

It really isn't fair to mess with my mind like this

Mother Nature doesn't play fair.

Immediately after having my baby I was reasonably sure that no sane person would ever voluntarily be pregnant and give birth twice. I assumed that survival of the species as due to massive hormonal overdrive (ie horniness and "accidents") and that God had in his wisdom seen that science discovered effective pain control at the same time it discovered effective birth control, otherwise mankind was doomed to a slow extinction.

Now I've discovered another tool in the arsenal. You really do forget. I've read about it in research papers, but some how, I think those lead me to believe that onset was much shorter and so since it didn't happen right after I had my baby, I theorized that having the epidural deprived me of the massive relief of pain rush that you get when you finally manage to squeeze that watermelon out your crotch and therefore I must have missed out on that special enzyme or whatever it is that makes you forget. There's apparently a special something that is released so you really truly do not remember just how bad the pain was, or at least thats what the nice men in white coats tell me.

For about the first 6 months post baby, I remembered. Vividly. Now I recall the words, if I think about them, but they lack the potency they once had. "I can't believe you can hurt this bad and still be alive", I know I said that. I know I thought that. I can't seem to muster the feeling of that though. In fact I find myself looking back and thinking that dread phrase that "it wasn't that bad".

I've even had the thought that maybe just maybe I could be pursuaded to do that again. In some very small very twisted way I miss being pregnant. How completely freaky is that? I try to figure out what on earth it was about being pregnant that I actually miss and I have a hard time there coming up with anything specific other than "I liked losing weight without trying". So clearly this isn't a logical, reasoned thought. Its those evil hormones sneaking up on me.

And they're screwing with my head and my memory. Ohhhh it wasn't that bad. And look Caleb is just soooo dang cute! Don't you want another one??! And usually at this point I turn and run again. But time was that I would have beotch slapped you at "Oh it wasn't that bad" for lying to me like that.

And worse I'm comparing. Sureeeee, I puked practically every day for 9 months straight, at least once a day, and I hurt, and I was hot, and miserable, and uncomfortable, and had restricted activity (read no sex, no lifting anything heavier than my purse, no sex, and nothing more strenuous than walking around the house, and no sex) for several months, had to take the glucose test twice, but really, compared to some, my pregnancy was a cake walk!

I mean I have one gf who wound up gestational diabetic during the holiday season. How harsh is that? Pregnant at christmas time, when the chocolate and the sugar is EVERYWHERE and you can't have any. Thats harsh. I have other friends who've had blood pressure issues, and premature deliveries (REALLY really early) and various birth defects and ones who had BAD post partum depression (which mercifully I seem to have largely avoided).

Comparatively I did GREAT! I even managed to birth my giant baby in spite of the fact the little booger had his fist in front of his face. I mean sure I tore to kingdom come, but at least I didn't tear like THROUGH to my rectum or anything really scary.

And see, right there is how they get you. They sneek it in there with the "Its not so bads" and the "compared to that it was great" and "but they're so cute" and they slowly siphon away your memory until you become one of those women. The ones who go "Ohhhh its not that bad. And its all worth it in the end". I hated that answer when I was pregnant. And now I've almost caught myself thinking it. Lord what have they done to my mind!!

"I forgot he is black"

I've been meaning to blather about this topic since I read the article (I think it was last week). I'd link the article but I'm currently too lazy to go look it up and find it again so if you really wanna know - go bond w/  the Google.

Any who, the gist of the article was in some sort of political commentary on the State of the Union last week, one of the commentators (a white guy) apparently said something to the effect of "I forgot he was black". And apparently people are freakin' about this. Apparently people seem to think this means "I thought he was white" which is not at all the same thing in my mind. Or they scream that they don't want people to forget they're black because they have a rich and varied culture that they're proud of.

And my thoughts include: "Who the frick cares??" What I'm gonna vote the commentator meant (cuz I've said the exact same thing myself, not about the president but about other people) is that in a "post-racial america" skin color isn't necessarily the first or primary identifying characteristic of a person. It used to be that people saw "black" or "white" before they saw "human" or "male" or "female". Most of the time, now I just see people. I might note that they're of a certain ethnic group but its more in the same way I note that someone has freckles or brown eyes.

I mean yes I've had it happen once or twice that I introduce person A to person B and lets say that person A is a little less.... accustomed to a multicultural society, I've had them come to me later and go "You didn't mention that person B was fill-in-the-blank-race/culture". And honestly my response is "Oh, I didn't even think about it. I guess I forgot they were fill-in-the-blank". But generally speaking the person having the person A experience is usually MUCH older or is say from a part of the country that is not as ethnically diverse as say Houston where I was raised.

And in using the term "post-racial america" I do not mean that racism is now extinct. Believe you me it is alive and well and comes in every color, creed and flavor out there. (I don't buy the whole "racism in reverse" tag, thats crap, its all racism, I don't care what color you are). What I mean by it is that apparently enough of the country (over 50%) has largely been able to see past the bulk of their "issues" on the subject and I'm going to use Obama's election to the post of President of the United States as my proof.

My last thought is this: of course you have a rich and varied cultural background. You're a human being. We all have one. Skin color might be one way to start identifying what background a person comes from but its far from the only measure. I have friends whose parents might say, be from India, but they were raised in the United States for the last 3 generations and are now so thoroughly "Americanized" that they don't consider themselves to be "Indian", they consider themselves to be "American". And "American" has traditionally been defined as "White Puritans". So if I'm going to judge what this friends "rich and varied cultural background" is based on just their skin color, I'd be wayyyyy off. Likewise I've got a mighty whitey friend who was born and raised in South Africa and immigrated to the US as an adult. He considers himself to be African American.... and he's WHITE. So please don't tell me your skin color equals your background because this world is far too complex and varied and wonderful to ever be that mundane.

Once again I should be sleeping

But I'm not. Cuz I'm stupid that way. So you get treated (please, try not to hide your excitement like that) again to my random blathering.

So I have kind of an odd confession. I secretly stalk the Mommy Wants Vodka blog. I am a HUGE fan of Aunt Becky. And part of me wants to write her b/c we so need to be friends. And yet, because I have the emotional maturity of a middle schooler I have not initiated any direct contact out of fear that .... she won't like me. LOL

Thats right folks. I am afraid of being rejected by some one I've never met. Because if we became internet friends she would probably read my blog and well.... what if she doesn't like it? I mean its not like anybody really reads it now ( I think maybe one person actually reads this drivel) but what if she reads it and goes "Lame!" I would be, in a sad little internet way, crushed.

LOL. I am officially a chicken. Go figure.

Random thought? I love the "Ripley's Believe it or Not" comic strip. Its my daily dose of random crap and almost every day I wind up going to Wikipedia to look up some random factoid. Because really until I learned in detail about weird jellyfish and a woman who swallowed 70-some-odd pieces of cutlery my life was just not complete. And someday when I can actually afford it I'm going to donate a chunk of change to Wikipedia for feeding my obsessive thirst for knowledge and random information.

My excitement today was managing to get the front page of my website done. At least I think its done. We're gonna show it to the boss and get some feedback before we continue. Cuz if they don't like my style we'd like to adjust it before we replicate it 1000 times.

And I have to say, watching the hub do the book keeping makes me like goofy little kid happy. For the last 3 years balancing our books has been my personal purgatory and now?? Now HE'S doing it!! AND I have to admit I am VERY proud to admit that the Hub has not yet had an anxiety attack! This would be why we took over keeping the books.

When we first got married somebody did not have what I feel to be realistic expectations of what an account balance can/should look like. He's amazing at managing a portfolio but had some issues with a checking acct. Go figure. I guess when you're broke (like ME) you get REALLLLLLL good at countin' those pennies.

And coming from broke taught me just how sacred a nest egg is and that thou shalt protect thine nest egg, and Thou Shalt Not SPEND thine nest egg (the interest is totally kosher tho). So when we realized that somebody was a big fan of scrambled eggs so to speak we kinda flipped. But somebody had a death grip on that carton and if the pan ever looked less than half full he needed to bust open another dozen eggs. And I was freakin. So we simply took the pan away and I was then able pry his hands, one finger at a time off the egg carton and then safely stashed the carton for later.

So now after 3 years of budgets and balance sheets and money discussions, we are now allowing him to have the pan back. Well, "allowing" might be the wrong word. More like Momma is trying to juggle a 3 ring circus and eggs keep gettin burned on the bottom of the pan and so she needs Daddy to man up with the spatula and keep those baby's cookin'. (Let's see just how much I can milk this metaphor for eh?)

So long and the short of it - this gets to be HIS job. At least primarily. We'll see how it goes. Right now it can't go much worse than its been going. And thankfully we seem to have redirected his paranoia from keeping the pan full of eggs to hoarding the carton like a hobbit on the One Ring.

So I bought some of those foam rubber padded corner things you can stick on the corner of your coffee table, effectively ruining the finish, but hopefully avoiding a trip to the hospital to get stitches in the kids' head. One of them isn't on there square. I mean its good enough to do the job but its CROOKED and its making me crazy! And I'm sure that if I take it off and put it back on I'm gonna ruin the sticky and make this corner effectively worthless but I want to fix it so bad its not funny.

I'm one of those freaks that can't handle it if a picture is crooked on the wall. (Note: I've never officially been diagnosed OCD but I think that was just b/c they were too busy focusing on the "I think I wanna off myself" thing when I was a teenager) I literally have a level, mostly to prove to myself that sometime really is straight. Because I can't question the level (if you can poke a hole in this argument, please, don't or I'll never be able to peacefully sit in a room again), so when I invariably start being paranoid that a picture isn't really straight anymore I just bust out the level and check. And if its level then we're just being paranoid and need to get over it. Or we fix it and then we can be satisfied. And not feel the need to adjust the frame on the wall 50 times in one hour because we've almost got it straight this time.

Freak? yes, yes I am.

Random odd confession - when driving down the road, I tighten up my butt muscles (like so they're not "on" the seat anymore) in time with the yellow lines in the road. *tight* *release* *tight* *release* *tight* *release* Do that for 50 miles of high way and you'd be amazed the work out you get. I started it as a kid, I think I was pretending they were speed bumps and I needed to get up and over them. Now its more habit and I don't even really think about it.

So interwebs- What weird quirky thing do you do?

Today was MUCH better

For starters, at no point did I get pooped on. That right there is a win.

Also we found out that the thing I freaked about that we didn't know if it had gotten done/approved etc, has in fact been cleared so we are golden until September (at which point we're even better). So that is a massive load off, so now we just need to decide what exactly it is we want to do with the tax refund money. I mean we absolutely have to spend part of it to put new tires on the car, (Fun and exciting I know) but that leaves a fair bit to play with. So... what do we do? A significant portion says we should be mature responsible individuals and pay off debt (credit cards, student loans, medical bills, car payments - we've got LOTS of options in this category), theres also slightly more fun options like - I'd love to have a sofa that doesn't have holes in the cushions (on BOTH sides so I can't even flip them over), I'd love to get the shower fixed in the master bath (long story). And actually those are the two big non-debt things I would take care of. How boring am I?

Game Show Host: "You've just been given a chunk of cash, what are you gonna do?!!"

Me: "Well Bob, I'm gonna replace a shower mixing valve, get a new sofa from Ikea, and put the rest in savings! Oh, and put 2 new tires on the car."

Game Show Host: "Well.... isn't that nice...."

Yeah I'm a dork but oh well. Today is ALSO much better because I'm making some awesome headway on the website. The main template is done and I've got the main page for the site 80% done and I finally feel like I really know what I'm doing with this CSS business and that my friends is a good feeling.

So now I'm going to go to bed and hope my husband doesn't decide to sleep walk again tonight. He's been really bad about it lately. Last night he got up, walked over to my side of the bed and starts bumping into my hip (which is at the very edge of the bed) and patting my arm. And I'm like "gzfkfus! Wha? What? What's wrong?!" He goes "Hi" and bends over, kisses my cheek and hugs me.

Me: "Why did you wake me up?"

Adam: "Hi" (pats me again)

Me: "Oh my heck, you're still asleep. GO BACK TO BED. NOW. Go lay down!"

Adam: starts to go after the cat.

Me: "Adam!"

Adam: jumps and seems to really see me for the first time "What?"

Me: "GO TO BED NOW"

Adam: "Huh? Okay." Shuffles over to bed, gets in, lays down and immediately resumes deep sleep.

Me: Lays awake for another 20 mins b/c I'm so weirded out.

So we're hoping for sleep tonight. Wish me luck!