It really isn't fair to mess with my mind like this

Mother Nature doesn't play fair.

Immediately after having my baby I was reasonably sure that no sane person would ever voluntarily be pregnant and give birth twice. I assumed that survival of the species as due to massive hormonal overdrive (ie horniness and "accidents") and that God had in his wisdom seen that science discovered effective pain control at the same time it discovered effective birth control, otherwise mankind was doomed to a slow extinction.

Now I've discovered another tool in the arsenal. You really do forget. I've read about it in research papers, but some how, I think those lead me to believe that onset was much shorter and so since it didn't happen right after I had my baby, I theorized that having the epidural deprived me of the massive relief of pain rush that you get when you finally manage to squeeze that watermelon out your crotch and therefore I must have missed out on that special enzyme or whatever it is that makes you forget. There's apparently a special something that is released so you really truly do not remember just how bad the pain was, or at least thats what the nice men in white coats tell me.

For about the first 6 months post baby, I remembered. Vividly. Now I recall the words, if I think about them, but they lack the potency they once had. "I can't believe you can hurt this bad and still be alive", I know I said that. I know I thought that. I can't seem to muster the feeling of that though. In fact I find myself looking back and thinking that dread phrase that "it wasn't that bad".

I've even had the thought that maybe just maybe I could be pursuaded to do that again. In some very small very twisted way I miss being pregnant. How completely freaky is that? I try to figure out what on earth it was about being pregnant that I actually miss and I have a hard time there coming up with anything specific other than "I liked losing weight without trying". So clearly this isn't a logical, reasoned thought. Its those evil hormones sneaking up on me.

And they're screwing with my head and my memory. Ohhhh it wasn't that bad. And look Caleb is just soooo dang cute! Don't you want another one??! And usually at this point I turn and run again. But time was that I would have beotch slapped you at "Oh it wasn't that bad" for lying to me like that.

And worse I'm comparing. Sureeeee, I puked practically every day for 9 months straight, at least once a day, and I hurt, and I was hot, and miserable, and uncomfortable, and had restricted activity (read no sex, no lifting anything heavier than my purse, no sex, and nothing more strenuous than walking around the house, and no sex) for several months, had to take the glucose test twice, but really, compared to some, my pregnancy was a cake walk!

I mean I have one gf who wound up gestational diabetic during the holiday season. How harsh is that? Pregnant at christmas time, when the chocolate and the sugar is EVERYWHERE and you can't have any. Thats harsh. I have other friends who've had blood pressure issues, and premature deliveries (REALLY really early) and various birth defects and ones who had BAD post partum depression (which mercifully I seem to have largely avoided).

Comparatively I did GREAT! I even managed to birth my giant baby in spite of the fact the little booger had his fist in front of his face. I mean sure I tore to kingdom come, but at least I didn't tear like THROUGH to my rectum or anything really scary.

And see, right there is how they get you. They sneek it in there with the "Its not so bads" and the "compared to that it was great" and "but they're so cute" and they slowly siphon away your memory until you become one of those women. The ones who go "Ohhhh its not that bad. And its all worth it in the end". I hated that answer when I was pregnant. And now I've almost caught myself thinking it. Lord what have they done to my mind!!