Random Post #092834

My rose bush has leaves on it! Yay! This means we didn't actually kill it when we dug it up, transplanted it and pruned it. I have high hopes it might actually BLOOM this year!

Its pathetic I know, but it makes me happy and right now theres not a lot of happy for reasons I may or may not go into so you get to hear about my stupid rose bush for right now.

I've also decided to teach the kiddo baby sign. The primary reason for this is that I think a lot of the "terrible twos" (which usually don't wait until 2 to start but whatever) are b/c the kid gets frustrated b/c he can't talk and you're not telepathic so the only thing he can do to express himself is scream. And screaming and I don't really mix well.

So we shall endeavor to teach the kid baby sign in the hopes that we can avoid some of the screaming by allowing the kid to hopefully tell me what the frick is wrong and he wants/needs/likes/dislikes/whatever.

So as part of our efforts in this direction we went to the library today and checked out books and a couple dvds. I think I'm basically going to review all the materials and then which ever one makes the most sense to me is the one we'll run with.

So I really, really need to start working out on a regular (as in like 5+ times a week) basis. But right now one of the big thing stopping me is the fear of pain. Right now, if I do any thing major it hurts. And I'm not supposed to take advil (my go to drug for joint pain) more than a couple times a month b/c blah-blah-blah-my-neurologist-says-not-to.

So to work out with out pain I need to lose weight, as in like probably at least 50 pounds. And losing 50 pounds with out working out is mostly likely NOT going to happen in my world.

So (and yes I'm saying "so" wayyyy too much. Suck it up.) I'm not sure what the frick to do about it.

Yoga depresses me right now because I'm so fat I can't do the poses I want to do, not because I lack strength or flexibility but because my fat gets in the way. I can't run, dance, climb etc because of my screwed up joints. I'm retarded at any sport that involves balls. So I'm stuck with say the elliptical machine, weights and swimming and swimming requires getting into a swimsuit in front of other people (and if you thought yoga was depressing when you're fat) and elliptical is boring. But really either of those require a trip to the gym and I'm not quite sure when/how I have time for that.

So this is me and my mile long list of excuses and I'm going to wind up f-ing myself over and dying young because my fat butt can't find a way to work out.

No I don't have an attitude problem right now so you can shut the f up and leave me the hell alone.

And right now I'd like to restate that God knew what he was doing when he gave me a son. Because I grew up thinking that men were evil. Men were pigs. Men are fill-in-the-blank-negative-thing-here. In hindsight its almost kinda odd I didn't go lesbian with the level of man-hate I had goin.

We've gotten much better about this over the years and my mission really helped leaps and bounds, but once in a while we have cause to whole-heartedly embrace the man hate. Only now I've got a problem. I have that sweet wonderful angel boy, who makes my heart smile and I cannot possibly call him evil. And so I'm constantly forced to remind myself and stop short of man bashing because he is wonderful. And I don't want him to grow up thinking that men are evil, therefore he is evil. Because he is wonderful and one of my goals in life is to tell that little angel boy every single day of my life that he IS wonderful. Even if he makes bad choices, that does not diminish the fact that he is still wonderful and amazing and the light of my universe.

And so I can't just blanket hate on men anymore. I can hate when they make bad choices. But they're not inherently evil anymore.

Ya know I should have known it would be something big. Never in my life have the challenges been the little ones. I know people that seem to go through life and their idea of a painful challenge makes me laugh and go "You're sh*ttin' me right?"

No, my life it has to be major nasty things like cancer, and addictions and mental health issues (major kind).

So I should have known better than to think that just because I know rock solid, core of my soul that fill-in-the-blank was supposed to happen that it would be anything remotely easy or problem free. It was so obviously the thing I was supposed to do and the fit was so perfect that there had to be one big fricking helluva catch.

And of course there is. And it sucks.

And of all the catches it had to be this.

And it hurts and I'm tired of it hurting. It goes so well for so long and then wham. When you least expect it.