Whoa....

I think I may have found the actual limit of my brain to process inspiration, epiphany, introspection, change and plotting in one day. *shakes head quickly from side to side* Bllllleeehhh! Whoa. I've got that brain melty kinda feeling you get after cramming for a week straight leading up to finals. When you know its time to go do something else.

My mood right now and my mood this morning are so dramatically opposite that its hard to believe its the same day. I was so completely lost, and hurt, and angry this morning. I'm still painfully missing my best friend but I had a long conversation with my Mom this afternoon that lead to several epiphanies that finally lead to my seeing the light and a path and a plan that I feel peaceful about.

I realized that I am broken. I thought that I had given up trying to control an uncontrollable situation and it turns out I hadn't. I'd been making myself insane trying to achieve the impossible - to fix somebody else. And I can't. And I shouldn't try. So I'm going to stop. Completely.

I am going to take care of myself and my baby. I'm going to focus on healing me. I need to remember what it is to feel comfortable and confident standing on my own two feet. I need to be okay with me again. It would be much easier to run to somebody who loves me and let them take care of me but I can't do that.

And so I will stay in the place that I am at for the time being and I will focus on myself. I'm going to work my "how not to be a codependent head case" program.

I also need to feel the pride and security of professional achievement once again. When the economy ate my job, I used my pregnancy as an excuse to not try to find something else. Mostly because I felt like I had some how failed, that I didn't try hard enough.

I have a dream now. I want to make and teach jewelry. I want to have a studio. I decided by the end of my first full day at Vintaj thats what I want to do more than anything else and I'll do whatever I have to do make it happen. My first priority will always be Caleb, but with in the next 6 months to a year he'll be plenty old enough to benefit from a half day preschool which will massively free up my time.

And so I think working towards that professional goal, and focusing on fixing me, will allow me to reach a clear headed peaceful place where I can see clearly to evaluate my situation and make wise decisions.

Kinda massively sucks that I had to completely strip myself of my mental security blankets so that I could clearly see just how much things really do suck and just plain fall to pieces to get to this place, but I'm here now and its a good place. I'm just going to have to work hard to break the habits that got me here and keep moving and I'll be okay.