Friday, April 16, 2010

I walk by Faith. Even if I don't wanna

There are times when I really really hate the exploratory, information gathering phase. Part of me is like - Okay Heavenly Father I am more than willing to do whatever it is you want me to do, just TELL ME WHAT IT IS!! lol

Which I'm sure would not let me learn and grow like I need to but ya know right now I'm feelin like this whole learn and grow bit is completely overrated and I should instead just find out now. Ya know?? lol

B/c we had The Plan. And we saw that it was good. And then we found out that The Plan needed some more ground work. Okay... so we paid dues and laid ground work and felt inspired to have our first kid along the way. And then it came time for all the ground work to pay off and jump into the main part of The Plan.... and we got told No.

Okayyyyyy..... SO we started pondering and we assumed that The Plan was wrong and we needed to revamp The Plan. So we came up with Plan B. Which was very logical and sensible etc. Except that things just were not falling into place and I was having a very hard time making a decision about exactly which of 3 paths Plan B would take. And so we were in a bit of limbo and the anxiety increased.

Then we got another little nugget of inspiration: Have another baby. Now this one was completely and totally left field. It knocks Plan B completely out of the park and means we're back to a variation on The Pan.

And now we're getting another little nudge, maybe, in the direction of The Modified Plan (aka Plan C). The Arizona budget crisis has reached such a peak that they have shut down the office of the Court Supervisor that oversees the Mental Health system as part of the lawsuit that gives us our mental health system in Arizona for the next 2 years. This basically gets them a 2 year get out of jail free card to do whatever the heck they want.

They've also announced that basically, if Prop 100 (or some such similar number) does NOT pass in May's special election, then they will slash and burn the current system. There will be untreated crazies flooding the streets (yeah I know. Realllllly comforting thought). BUT if the Proposition DOES pass then they hope to be able to continue services relatively unchanged.

So, come May, my husband might be out of a job. Comforting thought isn't it?

Yeah, I don't think so either. And so my life is in limbo and we're gathering intel as fast as we know how. Either way we need to earn more money for our family if we're gonna keep poppin out kiddos which means more school. So we need to figure out where we're goin to school, when we're gonna start school, how we're gonna live, where we're gonna live. Etc etc etc.

And so we gather information. Lots and lots of information. And we try to figure out what the frick we're gonna do next.

Its the uncertainty thats bothering me. I love my plans. I like my plans. I'm all about my plans. And right now.... all of the plans are about as solid as a spider web in a hurricane. I know it will all work out in the end. But I wish I could see the end from the beginning.

I want to be closer to my family so bad I can taste it. So I don't want to get my hopes, and theirs up too high if its not gonna happen.

I want a timeline. How long is it going to take me to get pregnant this time around? Are we going to stay here or move? If we move, are we going to sell the house or rent it? If we sell it what if it doesn't sell? What all is involved in renting? Do we rent an apartment in the place we move to? Or do we buy a house? WHERE are we going to go to grad school?? ASU doesn't have a half bad program. Its in the top 50 in the nation, which is a heckuva lot better than I would have given it credit considering how crappy their overall ranking is. But that leaves us here in Arizona. Which has ups. But its not close to my folks, which is a huge down.

Even if we do move to Texas, what if my sister moves? I want to be a part of those baby girls' lives so badly its not funny. They need to know their Aunt Ami. But I know they don't want to stay in Texas because the services for Emily SUCK.

What if we wind up someplace completely different? The logistics of moving some place I've never been, where I don't know anybody is huge.

Its just a huge fat lot of "I don't knows" and that makes me uncomfortable. Walking by faith always sounds so easy in theory, but its so hard in practice.

I do know that everything will work out. I know that the path will be laid out for us. I know that things will fall into place. I know that our job is to gather information, prayerfully make a decision and then ask our Heavenly Father and He WILL lead us.

But its just hard when you feel like the path you are on just disappeared from before you and suddenly... theres no more path and you have no clue whats up. It will work out, but right now is the scary uncomfortable part.

No comments:

Post a Comment