Thursday, April 8, 2010

Nerg. Narg. Ugh.

So there are certain downsides to being religious. Well "downside" might be a bit harsh, but right now its how I'm feeling.

Basically, the downside to talking to God and asking for him to guide and direct your life is that sometimes he tells you to do things that you don't want to do. And sometimes it comes right outta the clear blue sky. And you've already got plans in this area. And they're very good, logical, rational plans and you really, really don't want to ditch those plans and hurry up the time line on this thing. Because the thought seems overwhelming and it would throw a massive monkey wrench in your timeline and plans all around because doing the thing you now feel you are supposed to do will significantly impact just about everything.

And to be blunt - I don't wanna. I'm not ready. And I don't wanna. LOL I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna. And I almost don't even want to name what it is here, or in any conversation I have with anybody else because somehow saying it will make it real.

And the kicker of the thing is that the thought of not doing as my Father in Heaven has told me to do terrifies me. Who am I to question the direction of the Almighty? He has never yet steered me wrong. And he's seriously redirected my life path in the past and it has always worked out to be a far greater happiness than I could ever have planned for myself. So I know this is the path and the thing that I must do. And I will do it.... its just right now I wanna be a little kid and kick and scream and stomp my feet and drag my heels. LOL.

Which is definitely not the way to show my gratitude for his direction and guidance but its where I'm at right now. I'm working through things. I just.... wasn't planning on going down this path for a couple more years but apparently the time is now. Which means, I have to delay the path I wanted to go down by several years and means we definitely need to rearrange our finances and job path/goals.

I guess its mostly that I'm a planner. And I have everything all planned out and plotted and the course is charted and this means tossing a match on the lot of 'em and starting over from scratch.

This does answer the question of why I haven't got an answer about exactly which fork I should go down on the path I was plotting to go down. I'm not supposed to go down that path yet.... And I do mourn the loss of that path. Or the delay of that path rather.

So mostly its going to involve a lot of prayer, and planning and research as to how we're gonna make this new path work financially.

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